Last Day of 2010...good bye and good riddance

Thank you to those of you who are my real friends who have prayed for my mom. Collective prayer and good thoughts has pulled her through and with God's guidance will bring her into 2011! These past few weeks have been extremely hard, with little sleep and swollen eyes. It's amazing when the tears begin to flow when you're trying not to think about all of your troubles. Keep the prayers comin' and thank you.


Happy New Year everyone!!!

The Moments

I cherish the mornings where I don't wake up in a panic about the lack of money.
I cherish the moments when I get to speak to my step mother Mary, even though right now she is going through such a difficult time.
I cherish the moments when Max wakes me up in the morning because he feels its time for me to wake up and feed him.
I cherish the moments when Russell sits by my side while I write my blog and drink my coffee.
I cherish the moments where I can catch up with my friends lives on facebook and sending them an encouraging message.
I cherish the times where the creative juices are flowing and I actually introduce the pen to paper.
I cherish worry-free moments.
I cherish my family.

Have a great day filled with moments.

It's Christmas yet...

I'm stressed out! It has been a stressful week. My step mother Mary took a fall a couple of weeks ago. Then my sister is out of the country, so it has fallen on me to do what I can from afar. Talk about stress. I am always amazed when people in the service industry hate their jobs! My step mother is a wonderful person and deserves the best. I was on the phone most of the day with the nurse trying to get a doctor in to see her. It wasn't until I asked the nurse if it were her mother wouldn't she want me to do all I could to make sure she was comfortable. She called the doctor and they gave her pain medication! Now she is feeling much better than she had been in two days.

I have been trying to find a way to relax all week and so far nothing is working. I'm mentally tired and really sick of lazy people!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Chameleon

That is the name of my episode. It came to me the other morning around 3. I love it when the creative wave comes, I just have to accept it and write down as much as I can. I also began writing the opening scene, even though I'm in research mode. This is a very exciting time for me. I love writing and it makes it better when pieces fit into place.

So tomorrow is Christmas. Fear not, I will not be all alone. A gracious soul has taken pity upon my pathetically struggling state and she's actually my best friend so it's all good. I woke up in a panic this morning worried about money. I work harder than what I'm paid which is a switch from most temps who get paid and do nothing! I pray the new year will be full of blessings and an end to this struggle. I made the mistake of buying food and gas in the same week and now can't pay a bill. It's absolutely crazy. And don't get me started on the rising gas prices!!!!

The close friends I have have been keeping my spirits up and keeping me from giving up. One friend told me the other day that I've come too far to just walk away and where would I walk away to? Good question and one I cannot answer. I must admit those chosen few who are real friends have really stepped up. I only pray I can return their kindness in someway.

I must admit, I'm proud of my own strength and persistence. I pray it continues!

Merry Christmas everyone and have a Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Fringe...Writer I am becoming...

I love this show because it has more than one layer. That's the type of writer I aspire to be. I love twists and turns ultimately leading to some profound and universal meaning of life. I like to make people enjoy expanding their minds. A person asked me why I put so much work (research) into my writing that will "never" be read? I responded that by cheating myself and taking shortcuts catches up to you; and what's the satisfaction in that? Sure anyone can get as far as I've gotten with my writing, but it's the sustaining that speaks volumes. I'm building my volumes.

All ya need is Love?

Sadly, I don't know. Unless love encompasses the following:
Unconditional friendship
Compromise
Respect (equality)
The mortgage
Food
Children
Space
Forgiveness
Trust
The list could go on and when I look at why I'm single, I realize that no man has come into my life who has all this and more. To be fair, I know I don't have all of these qualities or things. What's dangerous to me is that I came close to loving someone this deeply and it ended leaving me empty inside. Now I've come up with "the list" in hopes of finding all I seek only to realize that even with a complete list it still doesn't bring me complete happiness.

Okay, burning the list! Now I'm going after happiness and those who make me feel that way all of the time!!

Wish me luck.

Happy Friday!

Friends, how many of us have them...?

Thinking back...of all the people I know who are married, not one has ever invited me to their wedding. I'm researching a short story on friendships. Of the reported 526 facebook friends I have, only 3 have ever invited me to their homes. Acquaintances is a better word and friend should be cherished always. Interesting.

When I posted that on my FB page, I received many responses. One person thought it was just the climate here in Los Angeles (admittedly the people are quite full of themselves at times - they are ruthless trying to get their fifteen minutes of fame) but I actually quashed that popular semi-true rumor with the fact that everyone makes the choice to be a friend or an acquaintance and often mistake one for the other. Meeting someone at a networking event does not qualify one for the BFF position. You must realize off the bat that this person wants something from you. This town is filled with pretentious climbers who will say and do anything to get what they want. This town has allowed idiots to become millionaires who stop at nothing to maintain their fifteen minutes by stepping on the dreams of others. When it is all said and done, all of us have very few people we can really say have our backs. To me, that's just sad. How far do we have to fall before we realize it's friends that will see us through the good and bad times?

In conclusion, it's not necessarily a Los Angeles thing, it boils down to a human thing. How many people do you call friends? I'm proud to announce, I have more than one.

Are you a friend or an acquaintance? As long as you know your standing, you will never be disappointed.

Oatmeal and what not...

As of late I've been eating oatmeal in the morning with sunflower seeds and cranberries with almonds. The mix gives me such a happy feeling, a satisfied feeling, an "every thing's gonna be alright" feeling.

I've made it through a rough week. Being a very good temp for very little money is not easy. My reputation is always on the line no matter the amount of money paid. People pay me to do a job, I happen to do the job well then move on. Many offices are toxic. There is always some type of drama going on. The beauty of being a temp is that you can make the choice to get wrapped up in the daily drama or do your job and go home. I always choose the latter. I have a much bigger goal in sight. I create drama, I don't live it. I love writing. Writing is like oatmeal with nuts...a perfect combination for my body and soul.

Happy Sunday everyone!!

So Funny...

It appears I've become the type of person that drives me nuts...a needy complainer! Admittedly things have been very tough for me, everyday is a challenge yet I persevere. The main reason I write in the heat of the moment is because I don't ever want to forget how tough things got for me and remember these times when things finally begin to get better for me. I don't write my thoughts for people to feel sorry for me, I'm not insecure hence there isn't any insane need to have people tell me how sorry they are for me. I write to remember and learn. It is my hope to improve with every writing. As I come out of this physical and mental economic depression, I can see things clearer now. I will still write about how disappointed I am in people. Not all of course, but the few that seem to cross my path.

So it looks like I am NOT becoming the insecure, needy, jerk, complainer after all.

Whew!

For Colored Girls...

One word...POWERFUL! I finally got to see this movie today. I could identify with each female character and I swear I met each male character! I wonder what black men must think of Tyler Perry exposing the ugly that us black women know exist. Now wait, before y'all attack. I am in no way saying that all black men are like the characters portrayed in the movie. I know guys like this in every race.

This movie made me take pause and reflect on my own relationship, or rather lack there of. My mind was flooded with questions and next steps on how to avoid the pitfalls portrayed in the movie without starving myself of affection and most importantly love.

I haven't found the answers yet. But when I do, rest assured, I will blog about it!

Grateful...

I'm grateful for the real friends I have and the ones I have yet to meet. The key to good solid friendships is to be there when they need you the most and when they don't.

I'm grateful that one person opened their heart to me, therefore prompting me to open my heart to them.

I'm grateful that my family loves me no matter what and are always in my corner.

I'm grateful that I keep trying until I succeed. It's who I am and giving up is not part of my makeup.

I'm grateful I can do my own hair. I know...random but true.

I'm grateful to be in great health.

I'm grateful to have been able to keep 100 pounds off my body for ten years now.

I'm grateful for my life.

Thank you God.

For a while now...

I've wanted to write what I'm really feeling and going through but I stopped myself because I didn't want to seem negative and without hope but...the following things have been on my mind about this past year:

1. Friendships - A true friend should be just that and not contingent upon how much money you make. I let go of that one friend whom I thought would be with me forever because he understood me and genuinely cared about me. Only to find I was kidding myself and I was the driving force in that relationship. Finally when I needed him the most, he turned his back on me. He immediately lumped me in the same category of all the women who failed him in his life. I am the same person he rejected years ago as a love interest because I was too fat, yet embraced his spirit and intellect and formed a friendship instead.

2. Work - I have seen more back stabbing than usual even as a temp. People are doing all they can to make sure they keep their jobs whether or not they are happy at them or not. My recent experience has lead me to just do the job and go home. I am not there to make friends. You don't really have friends in Hollywood anyway. We are all here to use one another to advance our careers. A friend is someone who comes out and tells you their intent upfront and not pretend to care only to drop you when they have gotten what they wanted. Amazingly, I know or have been introduced to many people who could employ me, yet they are silent. Do they know something I don't?

3. Writing - I'm still writing, if not everyday then every other day. I am determined and highly motivated to succeed and succeed well. I think about all of the people I know who could ease this struggle a bit and are not giving me the time of day. That motivates me to succeed even more.

4. The Struggle - It is still here. Recently I was saddened by the lack of invites for Thanksgiving dinner. One person, of all the people I know actually thought about me for a moment. She was a stranger who has seen my struggle. Thanks Jill for thinking about me. I guess this means I shouldn't care about others. On the flip side, it's hard for people to open their hearts for fear of attachment or commitment. People have families and closer friends to care about. That must be it. There isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not thinking about others and trying to figure out ways to bring them closer to their own happiness. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I care?

Why do I care? It's in my nature to care. I am changing, for the better and I know some will not like it, but I have to do what's best for me. That is where we are in this society...selfishness and greed. But wait, they've been here since the beginning of time! I'm not saying I will become greedy and selfish. What I am saying is that I will take care of those who never left my side no matter what the circumstance. I also know and have experienced that you reap what you sew and what goes up must come down and lastly you live by the sword you die by it.

Happy Holidays!

I feel...

I should write something since so much has happened since my last post. The bad news is that insecure people never change and continue to seemingly hold me back as I strive to be better than what society expects.

Things must change for the positive for me.

The good news...I will write that when it happens.

Fear and Uncertainty

You ever have one of those days where you're just afraid, afraid that everything is going to come crashing down on you after you've done your best to keep it together? I'm having one of those days. This morning I had to grovel for a job...yet again. I'm grateful to have gotten the interview but would feel better getting the job. If one thing unemployment and this economy has shown me is humility. Every day I battle with myself to hold on to an ounce of the self-confidence I once had before my life took such a cruel and unforgiving turn for the worse. I've experienced loss before but not at this magnitude. And the people...the one thing Los Angeles does and does very well is let you know that you are never as good as you seem and the people you meet are not ever really your friends. In my twenty years here I can still count on one hand the amount of people I consider friends. Here in LA you don't really have friends in the traditional sense, you have acquaintances who get you from one situation to another. No one but the very few really has your back.

I hope I can turn my life around. That would really be nice because I'm tired of living in this uncertainty and with this fear that wakes me up in the middle of the night in a panic. God, please...thank you.

Kicking you when you're down...

Why do people do that? When you're doing all you can, strugglin' tryin' to make it to another day, you've gotta let it go. I can't change people but I can change myself. Stay tuned for dramatic change ahead.

Depression sucks!

I hate it when it hits because I am rendered immobile and non-communicative. I feel like I have so much pressure and stress that I can't concentrate enough to write, I can't think clearly without blame, shame and negativity creeping in. I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. I must stop defining my existence by this struggle that is now three years old. It must end, it's got to, right?

Finding the strength to keep going...

I'm doing my best to hang on. It seems like when things are looking up something happens to negates that small ray of hope. I'm tired of the struggle and I know this must end. I admit, going through this you really find out who your friends are.

The Stats/The Dentist/Life

I find it hilarious that there are 15 IP addresses from Japan following Stewie's thoughts. It's amazing how the internet has given me popularity. OK, so 15 people...hey, it's better than zero.

Back from the dentist yesterday...prognosis...I have a cavity under my crown. I'm blessed to have found a dentist with a heart. Although they couldn't do anything for me because I had no money or insurance, they did do what they could to ease the pain in my tooth for no charge.

What I'm going through, I wouldn't wish on anyone. I miss the stability of what my life was. I miss a savings account. I miss knowing that whatever I wanted (within reason) could be gotten and I miss comfort. I am sleeping through the night but I believe that is the depression. I believe there are levels of stress and I must be in a stress pocket in which my conscious mind has shut down to the possibility of failure at the moment and is sustaining itself in a hold pattern based on the recent positive feedback these past two months have yielded. Or maybe subconsciously I'm tired of playing that broken record and have removed the record from my playlist.

I will get through this dear readers.

It just isn't funny anymore...but wait...

I was never laughing! I realize everyone is going through something but it seems I continue to go through something a lot! Besides the unfortunate usual friendship disappointments, I am now dealing with my teeth...again! This time I have no insurance and guess what, no money. It is absolutely crazy that I find myself in this predicament. I thought I was smart. I thought I could see all of the possible dramas coming, yet here I am sitting in pain, trying not to shed another tear.

Can someone tell me why all of this is happening to me? Even if I understood the reason why, would it help me get through it quicker?

Seriously Universe...STOP PICKING ON ME!!!!

Thank you.

TEN TEN TEN!!!

How could I not post anything today? I've been up and at it for a while this morning working on my pilot script. It takes a lot to create a show and I don't think people, the viewers realize it or care, as long as it's good and realistic!! One of my friends told me this morning after he read one of my scenes..."it made SAW look like a Nickelodeon!" Yes, I'm taking that as a compliment and for the record, I've never seen a Saw movie.

Back to my writing, and rewriting, and rewriting!!!

God's Confirmations!!!

I believe in signs and angels. I also believe in sharing with the world when a confirmation (sign) happens or a question/prayer has been answered. I'm on an assignment at a studio for the next three days (thank God). I am working in a new area surrounded by old friends. One such friend just walked in and introduced herself to me. We knew each other through the phone only, so I never knew what she looked like but I knew her name. Once we realized we knew each other, I noticed she was pregnant. Twin girls and she looks stunning! She's also a bit older and that was my confirmation to a question I had last night for God. Is it going to happen for me? Yes believe it or not I am getting older and I still don't have a mate but I do have faith that I will have everything I want. Meeting this person was my confirmation. She met her mate unexpectedly. She is pregnant. She is having twins. She is happy. I want all of that and more. I know without a doubt I will have those things and more.

Thank you God.

Busy Mind

Coming off of a busy weekend, my mind is restless needing to create and perfect. I feel it, do you? Something great is about to happen for me. I've been perfecting my pilot preparing it for the world to see. I've been perfecting my appearance, attitude and diet to prepare for my new life. I am truly excited about the day. I have been here at my favorite Starbucks since 5am. I caught up on my Dexter viewing and now I'm reading case studies to add twists and turns in my show. I'm very excited and blessed.

Thank you God.

Have a great day everyone.

Just Wondering...

Sometimes I wonder if the mistakes made in my past will ever correct themselves? Am I to be damned forever? This struggle has gone on for way too long and I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and not succeeding. I'm just tired. God tell me, if you would, when, where and what so that I may have something to look forward to.

Thank you.

Today...

I was really hoping today would be a godly great day. For all you technically speaking folks...OK, yes I woke up this morning, yes I was able to have coffee and drive to my latest temp assignment. Yes, I'm working today...but I was hoping for something extra special to happen but it didn't. I guess in two weeks I will be preparing to move away from Los Angeles and hang it up. Hey, I tried, I wrote, I pitched...to some I succeeded, to me I didn't succeed enough.

It's Thursday!!

I have a lot to be grateful for today...I was able to get two more days of work making this a full work week. I was able to make someone smile, laugh, and think (not the same person). I renewed a friendship. My dogs are doing well. My family is doing well and oh, yes...I WROTE MY OWN TV PILOT!!!!!

Thank you GOD!

I'm Here!!

So, okay, life has been quite up and down hectic as of late. One minute I think I'm moving away from California and the next minute I'm stayin'.

Max is doing fine. It turns out he didn't have a stroke but suffers from a condition called VESTIBULAR SYNDROME, which is common in older dogs. His recovery is coming along and not as quickly as I'd hoped but he is doing much better.

Friday was an action packed day. It was to be my last day at Warner Bros. until I got the call to return to a different department on Monday. I love working!!! I love writing!

I finished my pilot on Wednesday and had my first pitch on Friday!! I was actually nervous and I have no reason to be. I finally wrote about something I know and have support from many of my LE buddies. I was given instructions on what the studios are looking at right now and have spent the weekend working on my rewrite.

I finally finished the rewrite this afternoon and will turn it in to my agent in the morning.

I know how incredibly blessed I am, especially in this town. I have a really great agent and super friends who have been cheering me on along the way and been my life support. I have also lost a few friends through these challenging times and I figure, our time as friends has ended. Bring on new friends!!!

I will keep you posted!!! And thank you for reading!

Waiting for things to HAPPEN

I'm doing all I can to make things HAPPEN. I know it's just a matter of time. God give me patience.

I know I waste my time and effort worrying when in the end God takes care of me each and every time. This week began with worry about several financial issues and as the deadline for each issue came up, the answer was presented to me. Like today...I had to figure out how to meet my obligations and here it is 10am and all has been resolved.

I know there is a God and I never had a doubt.

Extreme Joy!!!

It has been a joyful week having my mom visit. I wish she would stay. You never realize how lonely you really are until you've had the pleasure of being with someone you love and then they leave. I love my mom. I love my family. I thank God for them everyday.

Going through these hard times, you tend to lean on family more than ever.

Crap ass day!

We all have'em. I should have known it was comin' since the past few days were so good. I have hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
Good night.

High Energy Day!!!

Waking up at 430 and drinking two large cups of coffee before 7 has got me buzzing around here like I know something great is about to happen! I feel like something great is about to happen. Lord knows something great needs to happen!!! Fingers crossed.

People I know

I love Facebook. It allows me to keep in touch with people I haven't seen in twenty years! I get to see updates on when they get married, have parties, have babies, etc. Here's the funny thing, of all my FB buddies, very few (none) actually invite me to celebrate their good times. Sure I get invites to fundraisers and for pay events, but never anything personal. So I thought to myself, should I continue to call them "friends" or shall I rename them as "people I know?" Of my over four hundred "friends" I can count on ONE hand those who truly know me, care about me and invite me to share in their lives. Whew, I feel better now that the pressure's off of me to be a "friend." To my FIVE friends, look for a wedding invite, a pool party invite, a baby shower announcement, and a simple phone call just to see how you're doing.

One Minute Sermon

Can you say Amen and Amen? Joel Osteen was once again inspirational on this day! I wrote on my pilot for four hours. I then spent some time on facebook and a friend posted this.

Wow! I decided to post it here and on my facebook page with the words transcribed!

To be a survivor in this amazing race
with a need for speed you need God’s grace.

And if you’re desperate like housewives
watching days of our lives,
you can’t cope without hope
and that’s not on a soap.

If you’re lookin to Oprah or Dr. Phil
you can shop nonstop or pop a pill.
But the void won’t fill and the pain won’t kill
till you love the one that hung on the hill.

Kicking back in your lazy boy easy chair
watching who want’s to be a millionaire.

Na, you’re not gonna find it there.

No American idol or counsel tribal
has a final answer that’l satisfy ya.

CSI ain’t got a clue,
SVU don’t know what to do.
Not the ER or OC,
nothin on a CD, TV, DVD or MP3
can save you and me.

CNN’s got no good news,
here’s a headline, you must choose.

It’s not a simple life Paris Hilton,
it’s treadin on thin ice, living in sin.

You can be an apprentice for Donald Trump
or eat Fear Factor fast food from a dump.
You can be a heavy hitter or Wheel of Fortune winner,
a Fox News news spin spinner
or a flat out sinner.

But you better check this life that your livin
and make sure your sins are forgiven.

I bet ya 50 cent Elvis done came and went.
And eventually, every Black Eyed Pea, Gwen Staffani, P-Diddy and Brittany;
every wanta be on MTV with they icy bling;
every Dixie chick that sings.

They all gonna see the King of Kings.

I don’t care if you’re J-Lo, Leno, or Bano.
One thing you gotta know,
some day you gonna die bro,
then where you gonna go?

Hey I’m not talkin some punk junk that’s irrelevant
like you’re grandma’s church from way back when,
it’s not some preacher feature on TBN
that ya need to be liken or listenin.

The real super star is Jesus Christ.
He’s the way
He’s truth
and the life.

One day He’s gonna split the sky,
He’s the brightest light
and the highest high.

So what I came to say
and what I’m tellin ya,
is don’t buy that stupid stuff
they be sellin ya.

It’s all designed to fill you head
and waist your space,
until you’re dead.

Here’s the bottom line of my rhyme;
Give your life to God while there’s still time.

Friendships...my friend Marty

As I rolled into the parking structure this morning, I thought to myself, Is a person really your friend if they lie to keep up false hope? Or are they really your friend if they are brutally honest and hurt your feelings? Fortunately I have both kinds - I have my "yes" friends and my "you look fat" friends; of the two types, I prefer to limit being around both. The type of person I absolutely being around is me. I prefer positive to negative, happy to sad, confident to dependent.

I had a wonderful encounter with a new friend yesterday that reminded me of me. He reminded me of how good a person I really am and that times I let me get in the way of my own success. He made me think about a man I loved who is no longer with us, Marty. I thought about him all night. I thought about the times we had in college and the silly things we did. We thought we had forever, most young folks do. Marty was my best friend and he loved me as much as I love him. There were times where we would meet each other just to sit and be silent. Just being together was comfort enough. I remember the day I was told he was dead. I was at work. Our supervisor came up to me and asked when was the last time I'd seen Marty. I told him we spoke Saturday night and he flaked on me Sunday morning. Right when the police officer came up to us my supervisor said Marty was dead. That's all I remember because I fainted, right there in the middle of the collections department at Discover Card.

Marty was the type of friend who was honest, funny and deeply loving. How could you not fall in love with him? I did.

So today, I start out a new. No more bitching. No more worry or fear. Remembering my love Marty and his great smile has restored hope and faith into my soul.

I got this. It's my time to shine. Thanks for the reminder!

It's Monday at 5:20am!

Why am I up? Because I'm not making enough money! I'm sick of stressing out about trying to make ends meet. I feel like those ends should be tied in a knot at this point. I try so hard but the return is just not enough. I did manage to get in some writing over the weekend. Sometimes I feel like, why write, no one's going to read it! I would rather have it written than to not have it written and an opportunity come up.

Joel Osteen brings me up on Sunday, reality brings me down on Monday.

Oh whata night!

It was really nice getting out with my new friends! It's amazing though how the night life hasn't really changed much, other than the fact the drinks are hella expensive. All in all I had a good time and I'm glad my new friends got me out of the house. I would do it more often if it weren't so expensive so I guess I will either need to start working in publicity again or find cheaper alternatives!!!

Have a blessed weekend!

True Blood

I LOVE this show! Alan Ball HIRE ME!

Thank you.

I can only do what I can do...

Fingers crossed and things will work out with the mortgage company.

I've gotten feedback on my pilot teaser and it's good but still needs work. I guess it wouldn't be so difficult if I weren't going it alone and trying to find my voice at the same time.

I still have hope and faith things will turn around for me soon like...NOW.

Over but not out.

I gave at the office...

just won't cut it anymore. Today I volunteered my time and gas money to help shut ins. I arose at 530 to hear Joel and get my inspiration for the day. Then I was up and out to Culver City by 730 this morning. Me, the woman who never asked anyone for help, the one who is literally 30 days away from foreclosure unless I come up with $375 by this Friday, the woman who has her friends cooking food for her so she can pay to stay in her house and keep her car. YES, ME, I gave my time, skills and smiles to people who would gladly trade places with me. I love meeting people, people who are grateful and appreciative.

As I prepared the food I was to deliver later, I thought about how I, myself didn't have food at home to eat. There was excess this morning so I asked if could I take a meal home, they said sure, just pay $36 for it. I left that meal there. I finished delivering smiles, conversation and food then went on my way to the store and bought food for me and my dogs. Now I need $400 by Friday to keep me out of foreclosure.

I'm glad I got to participate in something more meaningful than my LITTLE problems. I'm adding four more people to my prayers today and I won't go hungry on this day.

Thank you God.

Today was IDIOT DAY!!!

I really wish people would warn me when these days are coming! I should always know because the day before was positive and close to perfect! Why did I have to tell someone in accounts payable that Baton Rouge was in Louisiana?

It really is darkest before the dawn and idiots seem to have it all!

Ugh!

Early Morning Dream today

I was trying to do laundry and I didn't realize how hard it was to do being very pregnant! Yep. I had the pregnancy dream. I was with Oliver. He was helping me with my laundry in a laundromat. I miss Oliver and I still love him, but our friendship is over. I'm surprised I dreamed of the two things I don't have. Anyway, my mom says it means something big (good) is about to happen when you dream about being pregnant. I hope so.

Seventy-One & Angels at the Home Depot

First, I must start off by saying thank you God. As you recall, yesterday I remembered my $71 payment at 5:30 in the morning coming out on the 20th. I don't have it...yet. This morning I called and there is an angel looking over me at the Home Depot. They automatically moved my payment to Friday. God is truly watching over me and I will make it through these challenging times.

THANK YOU GOD!

Nervous Stomach

Why oh why did I think of SEVENTY-ONE at 5:30 this morning? It has changed my outlook for the day. Yesterday, I had great conversation and lunch with a good friend who is also going through it right now. I told him, we will make it through this...just hang on. I had more hope yesterday than today.

The day's not over so there's still hope. Things always turn themselves around, good or bad.

Moving on, gotta work on my pilot. Still no title. Any suggestions?

Today...

As I thought about rising out of bed and not actually opening my eyes, I thought to myself, wow today is a free and clear day. I can do nothing or something. Everything I could pay was paid. And then...SEVENTY-ONE DOLLARS popped in my head. CRAP! Just when I thought I could have a worry-free day, in an instant that worry came over me and my eyes opened and my mind spiraled down to despair...again. Just when I think I'm going to make it through, just when I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel...

I just don't know anymore.

Negative People...

Everyone has encountered them. Instead of looking at a situation as positive or neutral, the automatically go to the negative.

On my last assignment, I had the pleasure of sitting next to one of those people. Well wouldn't ya know it, an earthquake happened! This guy was so incredibly negative that everyone huddled around him as if he were a prophet. I spoke over the cubicle, "hey mister doom and gloom, can ya give me the winning lottery numbers since you all?" He started laughing. He asked why I called him "doom and gloom" and I told him that everything he does and says is based in the negative. He replied "well, the world's gonna end." To which I said, well that may be so but I'm not going to approach everyday with fear, I will simply live it as if it is my last. I wanna go out with a smile on my face and no regrets. So cheer up and be thankful you are allowed to be here at this time. At first he would tease me and call me miss sunshine. Then like a flood, he turned his way of thinking around. He came in smiling and hopeful. "This house is clean." I thought to myself and to quote a line from Poltergeist.

Have a great day!!!!!

Interesting...and Amazing...

I absolutely love it when good things start happening and its even better when unexpected things happen. I was overwhelmed with joy yesterday by the kindness of two strangers. Not all people are bad, it just seems like it.

What I have learned through all of this:

- Just because they have been your friend for a while does not mean they are going to be your friend forever.

- Money changes people.
- Rely only on yourself and depend on less.
- Three meals aren't really needed a day.
- There's no shame in asking.
- Always smile even when your heart is breaking.
- People really don't care, they are just being nice.
- Insecure people are dangerous.
- Lazy people are dangerous.
- More sociopaths exist than people know.
- Dogs are better than people!

I've learned more things but the above captures the general vibe.

I am making it and will not give up.

Happy Day All!!!

Happy Friday!!!!

Oh what a glorious morning!!! Today is the day my life will turn around! You know that feeling you get when something great is about to happen? Well that is how I'm feeling.

Thanking you in advance God!

Yep, I've turned it all over to God.

I try and it seems all efforts I make are thwarted. I try to make the wrongs right and it just doesn't seem to work. I needed God's blessings two years ago and now two years later, I have been reduced to nothing. Hope is all I have because Lord knows I don't have money or food.

Letting go and letting God.

Let us pray...

It's X-Files Day

Okay, so you're gonna think this is stupid, but every time there is a marathon of the X-Files, something good happens for me employment-wise! I know it's silly!

Odd Day...Independence Day

For someone who is very independent, today was just another day. I must admit though, today was a very lonely day. That is my fault. I have very few close friends and I guess that's best.

Happy Independence Day!

I just know...

Great things are about to happen for me. I had two great interviews with key people in regards to the tv show I am creating. The last interview resulted in the organization flying someone to me in Los Angeles for an in person interview. I was blown away by that! It will be extremely helpful in my character development since I am in that development phase now.

Personally, I cannot say my life is all roses and Popsicles. I lost a good friend and I am still struggling to find a day job. Today I paid all the bills I could, so the utilities will not be shut off. I will get through this, I just wish it was today.

I still have FAITH...

It seems that when I get a small break, it seems it pushes me 5 steps back. I spent a good time with my family overseas a few weeks ago. I had just started a position at ABC production and was told that everything is fine. I got back that Monday only to find that the guy who sat in for me talked his way into my job and the executive let me go. Just when I saw the solution to my struggles, I'm bombarded with them again.

Should I have not taken the trip, even though it was planned months before that job existed? I refused then as I do now to regret my decision to be with my family. The Friday after I got back, my mom came back from the doctor and was told she had a stroke. She is fine, but what if things were not?

Then the guy who was my angel for so many years is no longer. He has decided that because I am no longer making the money I used to, I am not worthy of anything let alone his friendship. I ended the friendship last week. I cannot and will not have flaky and selfish people in my corner. I will no longer be disappointed in the actions of others. I will simply not expect anything from anyone. I expected to have a job upon my return, I expected people to put aside their insecurities and do the right thing, I expected people to love me no matter my financial status.

Yet, through it all, I still believe all wrongs will be made right and that my life will get back on track and be the best ever. I keep prayin'.

So much going on....

My assignment at WB TV ended last week and I started back at ABC Studios this week. This was my first time working in production. It was a busy week for I had to learn a whole new world and do it at the same time while learning everyone's name and behaviors. Whew! It was a busy week.

That email finally came in from the FBI and they are going to help me with my pilot idea. It is a great honor to get their permission, my agent is very proud of me. Now I just have to find the time to develop an outline to first present to my agent, then to the FBI. First I have to finish the edits on my Criminal Minds spec which I finished last week.

I am still dealing with getting my financial house in order. It's enough to deal with all by itself. I am trying so hard to get things straight. It seems the harder I try the harder it is to get back to a comfort zone. I am still not making enough to buy food and gas in the same week, but the good news is that I am losing weight because I can't afford to buy food. I wonder if anyone really cares about my struggles? I know they cannot last forever, or can they? After all it has been three years. I became hopeful when I got this last temp assignment. It's two dollars more...woohoo, I just might be able to buy gas and a sandwich with one check!!! I was really hoping to get staffed this season as I really need to be paid as a writer. One weeks check would bring me current with everything, the second weeks check will allow me to deposit money into savings and the third weeks check will allow me to pay off some of my debt! Am I aiming too high? It is possible to be debt-free. I remember when I was 12 years old and debt-free. I want that feeling and reality again.

Still dreaming, still hoping.

Today is the Day!

No matter how nice I am to certain people, they refuse to accept the kindness. Well today I am no longer going to worry about it. Some people just love to wallow in misery.

Anyway, today I began the ground work for developing my own TV pilot. Very exciting!!! Keep your fingers crossed!

I woke up feeling so good today and I have a great feeling it will last all day. I believe something great will happen for me today. My set time is coming...it's here!

Have a great day!!

Resume Blast!

Now that I have a few specs written, I feel I am more prepared this staffing season. I emailed my new writing resume to every executive I know and don't know. Surprisingly, many have responded with a "thanks, Lisa." As I look back on my years in the entertainment industry, I have seen and been apart of many things. So now I've come full circle and it only makes sense that writing is my true calling.

Another Year has come and gone...

Well today is my birthday and thanks to my east coast family and friends it started at 4am! This will be the first time in three years I have actually celebrated my birthday. It has been three years I have been in this awful unemployed situation. Today that will all change! My set time is here and I am very greatful to have survived the storm. Flowers are blooming again!!!

Thank you!

Curse of the ASSISTANT position!

I had an interview yesterday with a production attorney who was specifically seeking someone who wanted an entry way into the production arena and not a "career assistant."
I walked in and YEP it happened. He and his assistant gave me THAT look, "oh, you're BLACK" look. I smiled and prayed to God to hold my tongue. The interview started.

He said "I am seeking an entry-level assistant who will be able to write contracts and know what I'm thinking before asking what to do. "

I'm still smiling. I pause before I spoke. My response, "so you're seeking a paralegal, law student or JD?"

His response "I would NEVER insult the intelligence of anyone with a MBA or JD to come in and be my assistant! Plus they would leave me once a better paying job came along." Hmmm, I thought to myself, "why did he call me in?"

I smiled again. At this point he must have thought I was on some happy drug. I paused again and then said with style, grace and cucumber cool, "I have a MASTERS DEGREE." He said, "Oh?" He looks down at my resume again. "I see it's from BOSTON UNIVERSITY. What is CRIMINAL JUSTICE? (A beat) I see you have a lot of assistant work, I'm not looking for a career assistant. I also see you have a lot of temp work, why have you NOT found a perfect fit?" And before I could respond, "the last temp we had was homely and missing a tooth."

My response:
Do you not find me attractive? (He smiled). I am sorry my resume has led you to believe I am a CAREER ASSISTANT. While it is unfortunate, I have been laid off a few times and with that I have had to start from the bottom and work my way to the top more times that I would like admit. With regard to my masters in Criminal Justice, it is indeed a "legitimate" degree. I was an honor student and recruited out of class to teach the masters coming up behind me.

Once he was able to close his mouth, he opened it again and said "well, do you have anymore questions for me?"

My response, "not at this time. Thank you for meeting with me."

The thank you card went out this morning "thank you for the enlightening and eye-opening interview."

Today I have removed all traces of ASSISTANT work on my resume and placed my EDUCATION at the top. I'm also going to ADD my picture so they know I am BLACK! I guess I am NEVER going to get a job now!!!

Happy Times!

Stewie

Criminal Minds

I am deep in the research and story phase of my spec script for the show. I will have to complete this one sooner than later. House took a while since I didn't actually go to medical school. This one should be a breeze since this is what I have been studying for the past 10 plus years! I made a call to one of the original FBI profilers' office this morning, Roy Hazelwood and I must admit, they are all so very nice and extremely helpful. Everytime I need any information for research, the government law enforcement agencies have treated me very, very well. I hope to make them proud with this episode as I know if it gets sold and shot, THEY WILL BE WATCHING!!!!
Thanks guys...

Heroes...not the tv show

This morning I awoke with a calm I hadn't had in a very long time, it was almost like hope realized and now on the verge of being fulfilled. My friend OB, the man I love but cannot marry helped me out this month. I am happy that I have solid family and friends to go to without judgement or feeling ashamed. Thank you OB, you are my Hero!

It's been a rough and rocky road...(not the ice cream)

This morning I turned on Joel Osteen and he was speaking directly to me. His message was "your set time is coming." Things are so incredibly hard for me right now that I am once again at a point where I have to make a decision to either buy gas or food. I chose both since I didn't get food last week and since I am temping, I needed gas.

I am living on faith. I have to have a miracle happen this week so that I do not lose it all and be living on the street. Chase is trying to be difficult again. My temp agency is not fighting for me, but trying to survive themselves. I feel like everything is crashing down on me. I am doing my best to keep the faith and not give up. I need money and have no one to borrow it from. I need a decent job that pays decently in order to get back on track.

The good news is that I turned in my final draft of my House spec on Friday. This morning, I began outlining my story for Criminal Minds. I feel good when I write, when I create. I wonder what God has in store for me if it isn't writing? I wonder what God has in store for me period.

This guy I hadn't met but was sort of interested in meeting revealed he has a few kids! I hate it when people lie to me - when will they learn? Not only does he have kids but he is unemployed and being taken care of by his wife, or ex-wife. Guys, don't lie when a good woman crosses your path. It is when you are caught in the lies that keeps you with the wrong woman.

Ok people, happy and good thoughts! Keep me in your prayers!!!!

Thank you!!!

Studio Notes for my House spec

First off I must thank all of the people I have met at ABC who have been very good to me - THANK YOU!!! I received notes on my spec as we all know I need to make it perfect because this is the spec that will get me staffed this season.

Thank you!

6:30 am on a Saturday....

I should be sleeping in since things at work are picking up - yep it's pilot season - and since I am temping in development, I'm not getting much sleep as of late. I've been trying to read the scripts that have been selected and navigating my way through the shooting of the two pilots we're working on. I guess this experience is preparing me for the wonderful world of production. Funny, its just like the wonderful world of publicity. Corporate America is spoiled.

I'm off to do forensics on a criminal minds script. I have not yet decided if I will write a spec. I did complete viewing all of the seasons including this one (all that have been shot), so I am up to date on the show. I am formulating a story in my head and all that know me, know that it must be "off the chain" before I send it to my agent.

Sociopaths and the Entertainment Industry

The other day I began doing research for a white paper on sociopaths, more specifically "How to raise a sociopathic child" - not how to create one but how to help them to NOT become serial killers. First off, there is no cure for the sociopathic condition. Secondly, being a sociopath does not mean you will turn into a killer. I believe that is where everyone is seriously mislead.

Sociopaths exist with the larger concentration right here in the United States. Hmmmm...I wonder why? I bet it has to do with The American Dream; thank you JT Adams! Add the media and thus perpetuates the fall of society, a giving society. I will venture to say there is a high concentration of sociopaths right here in Los Angeles with the majority working within the entertainment industry - too many non-deserving, uneducated and over educated, selfish and greedy people rising to heights in non-traditional and Godless ways.

"Our society is moving in the direction of permitting, reinforcing, and in some instances actually valuing some of the traits listed in the Psychopathy Checklist - traits such as impulsivity, irresponsibility and lack of remorse." - Dr. Robert Hare

Am I wrong?

Oh and yes, I'm researching for my Criminal Minds spec script. My House spec is getting very good reviews. I thought House was a challenge because I am not a MD, but I believe Criminal Minds will be the ultimate challenge because this is what I am an expert in, especially since I subconsciously profile people in my everyday life - it helps me cope to deal with the plethora of egos within the entertainment industry (there's only one SUPER EGO). While I love that profiling aspect of my mind, its also a curse at times because I don't give people a chance to become close. Oh well, I think I'm better off. I don't require closeness (yep a sociopathic tendency).

Women in Law Enforcement

I was chatting with a homeland security former student of mine the other day. He was telling me about the drama of the holiday season. I told him point blank, you guys NEED to have women in better positions! I can almost guarantee that if a woman was screening crazy dude, she would have noticed a bulge in his pants!!! She would have stopped him, searched him and if in fact it was not a bomb but a true bulge, she would have gotten all of his contact information and had a date with him that night!!! Needless to say my friend fell out laughing over the phone. He said, "I thought the first thing a woman looks at on a man was his eyes." I had to divulge a secret, no guys, we check out the package first, then make you turn around, check out the wallet in your back pocket then we look at your eyes! We do have priorities ya know!!!

I crack myself up.

Happy 2010

Things are looking up...not really but I am hopeful things will turn around for the better for me. I'm temping in a familiar place and that makes it good. I am looking forward to change and making things happen for me this year. The good news is that 2009 is over!