Girls Trip, a Reminder of What Never Was

I saw the movie last night and I loved it, yet it left me sad.  Sure it was funny.  I loved the cast, the jokes, and even the location.

 So why so sad?

I don't have close friendships like that.  I went to, at that time a predominately white college (Arizona State University) and the few black folks there were very standoffish and mean.  I was born and raised in Chicago.  I grew up with all types of people living on the south side in Hyde Park.  I had several friends and quite a few black girlfriends.

Once I went to college, everything changed.  I learned to be alone.  The few black men there were all into white women.  I struggled to find myself, so I put everything I had into school and making money.  I had five jobs in school.  I was in debt because I spent money in the hopes that would attract the friendships I lacked.  Many of the women I was around all came from rich families.  For the most part they ended up at ASU because their grades, nor their parent's money would get them anywhere else.  I tried to keep up with them.

I joined the black student union.  I attended one meeting.  Not one person spoke to me.  I even tried to join the only black sorority (at the time they weren't housed on campus or sorority row - hence all white school, all white rules.) and I didn't have a car.  I walked around moving from clique to clique waiting for a chance to connect.  That connection never came.

I was a swimmer.  I was the only black swimmer on the ASU team (male and female).  I only hung out with the athletes including the football players.  I endured the endless jokes from the coach about me getting a tan, watermelon and fried chicken.  I was young and alone, so I laughed them off and went on my way.  After a year, the loneliness and the jokes took its toll on me and I quit.  My grades slipped and I became more and more detached from any resemblance of community.  The black men hated me and the white men only wanted to sleep with me.

I graduated and moved to Los Angeles hoping to find friendships like I had in Chicago.  Here I am twenty years later and I still don't have those friendships.  I gave up years ago.  I find comfort in being an individual yet I get angry at myself for not trying harder to trust and allow people in my closed world.

Maybe a friendship like theirs in the movie could still happen for me.  Somewhere in my being I still have hope.  Lord knows I love to have a good time and laugh.  #FlossyPosse #GirlsTrip

The 5 Year Break Up

Why is it so hard to let go of a relationship?  Granted this last one was indeed different.  One would think I actually fell in love with this one.  Did I fall in love or did I fall in love with the idea of it?  Then you come to your senses and realize love was never there in the first place.  It was a meaningless waste of emotion.

This will be the last time I writer about it as five years is a long enough amount of time to long for someone.  Maybe it wasn't a longing but a sense of familiarity and laziness.  The dating landscape is rife with deceit.  Older guys trying to recapture a youth long gone and younger guys looking for game points on their leaderboards.  It really makes one not want to be bothered.  I find I spend most of my time out and about with friends, when I'm not writing of course.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Some things happen that I cannot figure out.  Maybe it's not for me to figure out.  I realize I am a piece of this puzzle called life.  I just want to figure out where my piece fits.  We all have our moments of complete clarity on where and what we're doing here.

Yesterday I prayed for a godless person.  Godless doesn't mean soulless.  I prayed for strength for him entirely.  I hope he finds the person he seeks.  I hope he finds that movie quality love.  I devoted my prayer entirely to him.

Turning the sign on the door.  CLOSED.  I no longer fear the other sign.  OUT OF BUSINESS.  I'm looking forward to it.  I would much rather have the career I want and comfort than opening my heart again.

Today I forgave myself...

Today I forgave myself for loving someone who hated me.  His heart was closed to me.  I couldn't see it.  All I saw was the soul of this person.  Therefore I punished myself.  That was wrong.  I should have forgiven myself and appreciated the experience.  Of course I could think of other experiences I would have rather had.  But as you know we cannot change the past, only our future.

Today I forgave myself for the job I must do in order to survive.  I may not be where I want to be at the moment but I do know I will get there.  No one in this town gets anywhere without help.  My time hasn't passed.  It will come.

Today I forgave myself for not smiling more and I began to smile again.

From this moment I will take it one day at a time to find my joy again and keep it alive.

Making the Switch

I've decided to switch to a plant-based diet.  After a year of workouts, triathlon, and a spartan race, I need to do more.  After all of that work, I didn't lose that much weight.  Today, I'm finally making the switch!  I'm excited and very motivated.

I'm starting to workout again.  I'd love to have a trainer, but I'll settle for a workout partner.  The picture below was taken today (7/15/17).  I can do better.  I think moving to a plant-based diet will help with me loving me more.

Reasons Why?

Sometimes I, no wait...  I always try to solve this puzzle called life.  I  believe everything, good and bad, happens for a reason.  I am always trying to figure out why, instead of letting the situation  be and allowing things to happen without reason, I try to figure out the lesson to be learned in every moment.  I think in "If Then" statements, knowing full well that I cannot do anything to change the past.  I cannot, nor would I want to.  But I can change my present and slightly alter my future.

For example, IF I would have not placed an ad on a dating site in 2008, THEN I would have never met and gotten to know OLIVER BERNSHAUSEN, a great friend; loyal, trustworthy, and confident to the end.  I would not be missing him on the anniversary of his death, July 10, 2012.  Moments happen.  People come in and out of our lives, some stay longer than others.

At this very moment, I am trying to detach a bond that should have never happened.  In a brief moment of complete weakness, I created and forced a bond.  Now I must break it.  It doesn't nurture my soul.

Do you ever find that certain things keep happening to you and you can't figure out why?  Think about the meaning of insanity, then take a different approach is my first thought.  My second thought is to figure out why.  I've been at my current state four times in my life.  Every time I am taken to the brink of failure then something happens to save me from total destruction but not without much work and clawing my way out to set things right.

Why do I feel the need to always know the reasons why things happen, especially since it is clear I am not learning from my past mistakes (lessons)?

Message for today:  Let it be by letting it go.

Are You A Fringe Friend?

I tend to be a Fringe Friend.  I'm trusted enough to SEE the inner circle but not quite on the invite list.  Yet, I am that person EVERYONE goes to when they NEED something, namely a job or a shoulder to cry on.

Red Mink Stole

Somewhere in my childhood I remember.  It was dark yet it was morning.  Red lights were flashing and my body was whizzing by blurs of bodies standing around, staring.  I wanted very much to see what it was that everyone was looking at.  In that moment, I broke away from the arms that were taking me away.  I rushed over to see  and there it was...

And there it was.  The thing that everyone was looking at. Hanging from the broken driver's side window.

A Red Mink Stole.

Or according to my young eyes, it was an animal that was hit by the car as my mom pulled into the driveway.  It wasn't.  Nothing was as it seemed.

Reality.

It was the WHITE mink stole my mother kept in the closet.  The one I would stroke and wear when she wasn't home.

Bullets shattered the entire driver's side including the window.  The door was opened and there was blood everywhere and hanging from the opened door's window was that formerly white mink stole turned red and filled with holes.

Then I remembered.  It wasn't a mink stole at all.  It was a fur coat filled with bullet holes.

I Thought You'd Be Proud and I Was Wrong

I thought you'd be proud to find that I am the type of woman who has worked hard much of her life to achieve all I have and the things I've done.
I was wrong.

I thought you'd be proud to stand besides me in moments of joy, and behind me when I had to be strong, and in front of me to protect me when I don't have the strength to protect myself.
I was wrong.

I thought you'd be proud to hold me up when my strength wavered.
I was wrong.

I thought you'd be proud of my honestly and complete transparency.
I was wrong.

I though you'd be proud to find someone you could trust and be real with.
I was wrong.

I thought you were the one and I was wrong.