Happy Holidays!

It has been a year! So many things have happened good and bad. We made it!

Happiness and...

why doesn't it last? With all I've been through, you would think happiness could last longer than a few moments. I now understand the saying, "enjoy it while it lasts!"

So, I know its been a while. What have I been up to?

I am no longer in a relationship and back to single. I've tried to figure out the reason for such a short and now seemingly waste of emotion and time. The reason has yet to reveal itself. I'd rather have no relationship than to deal with the wrong person. Now I look back at the experience with bitterness and not willing to try again.

I'm still writing but without representation, I feel empty and without hope. Yet, I still continue to write. I think now writing is a quiet comfort never to be seen.

I'm still temping and happy to be working.

My dog Max is on his last leg and I will have to put him down soon. A new level of loneliness on the horizon.

Generally, I try to find the happiness in every moment but usually that happiness quickly fades.

Looking forward to my next happy moment.

Responsibility Break & Love...what is it?

Have you ever had one of those days where you would like to NOT be responsible for anything (of course, that is if you are of the rare few who actually do take responsibility for their actions)?

Well, today is that day for me. No matter how hard I try not to be in control or take charge - I now realize responsibility is part of my DNA. I do know I must step back from situations and let them unfold as they may. I'm really not in control, merely going through the motions...right?


And then there's love. I can honestly say, I have never been "in love." Sure I've been "in like" or "infatuated" but not really what the movies dictate as "in love." Can someone explain it to me as if I were a two year old - what does being "in love" feel like?

Many have told me Love is overrated. Some had told me it doesn't exist and it's merely a word. Few have told me that it absolutely is like it is in the movies and more.

I've asked a few of my friends who are mated, "did you know he/she was the one when you first met?" If I were to do the math, I'd say 75% absolutely knew, 20% didn't know and that 5% said it was just gas.

Relationship

I'm finally in one and it exceeds my expectations. Who knew? I'm learning how to trust, share, and play nice.

The Long Short Summer is Over!

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a bit but read me out first. As you all know the summer began with my pilot pitch to THAT TV studio. I completed my FRINGE spec, show ready but BAD ROBOT won't look at it (yep, I think it's the perfect ending but hey, who am I to think those things?) Then Oliver died. Then THAT TV studio took over my pilot idea and gave it to an overall dealer. Then I met a guy (no, not that FAMILY GUY) and we've been dating ever since. The good news is that I have yet to get up to sing KARAOKE.

And how was your summer?

Writers Write but we also Read!

Of course this is obvious. A funny thing happened the other day at the office (Starbucks). I was reading over a few articles I gathered from the internet trying to get ideas for my next television show. When I'm in the zone, I'm oblivious to those around me. I was reading "Two Approaches to Parsing the Heterogeneity of Psychopathy."

The line was pretty long, so much so that it was at my table and I didn't realize a guy was watching me read. I looked up and there he was. He gave me a look and I gave him the half-smile "I know who you are" look. The man turned pale, turned around, left the line and walked out of the store!

Smile.

The Value of Saying "I Love You" Often!

Family and friends should be told this often. Recently, I lost my friend Oliver. It was sudden. The last time I saw Oliver was June 2nd. We started our weekend morning breakfast ritual meetings again. We had a rift and did not speak to each other for a year. We got in touch with each other in May and things were almost back to normal. We had planned to meet two weeks later but it was to never happen.

Oliver and I had a friendship that was close and unique. From the moment we met in 2004, we knew we had something special. Twin souls together again. There were times we would just sit with each other and not say a word. This made us happy. We thought alike and were very much alike. We were not the type people who craved attention and constant contact from the outside world. We are both very private people and often times we would not let many people get too close. That's who we were and why our relationship worked - we trusted and loved each other...only.

Every girlfriend he had always got the same speech about me and if they couldn't handle it, they were gone. I thought it was hilarious but it was a sign of respect for her and deep love for me. Our families knew about each other but we were never able to get everyone together. My stepmother Mary told me before she died last year..."call Oliver." I finally heard her words a year later and it wasn't too late. Thank you for that Mary.

I am so happy the last time we spoke I hugged him and told him "I love you." He, and many folks have a hard time saying those three words - so they will say "love you." That isn't the same thing to me. When you add "I" then I know you mean it. Oliver, as usual said - "I know."

Say "I love you" to those you truly love often. Whether they say it back or not, just say it and know they know your feelings.

And Oliver, now that you're on the other side looking down, can you please find my mate?! I love you Oliver Bernshausen!

The Comedy of my Life Lately

I haven't forgotten about you. I've just been enjoying my freedom for a moment. It's actually nice to not have to rush somewhere. I can actually write something and not be interrupted with time.

Max and I are hanging in. We had a bit of a scare a couple of weeks ago but Max seems to be on the mend. Watching him grow older is a painful process. I cherish every moment I have with him. We've been together since the day he was born - sixteen years ago. I know that soon I will have to make that decision. He will let me know when he's ready.

Other news - I've started dating again. I feel like I need to go back to not dating again! Guys are a trip these days. I went out with an older guy - 50. I went in with no expectations. The goal was to meet a new friend. He happened to be a celebrity. Which if you don't know - dating celebrated people is slightly different than dating your average guy. We met at the restaurant. I wore a cute sundress. He hugged me and then it happened. My bra strap snapped! Okay, so my friends already know that as of late I've been having epic bra failure for the past few months. You don't want that to happen on a first date! Luckily I had a wrap and ended up wearing that for the entire date.

For the first half of the date it was all about how beautiful I was (strike one) and how old I am. He couldn't get over the fact that I was not 27 (I'm thinking this is what he's used to dating). He'll just have to deal with me being 30. Let's just say, I was happy to get out into the dating world again but I've got a long way to go.

Wine, wine and wine. I went out to lunch with a girlfriend last week. We went to a sushi bar. Most people know I have a two glass limit (if it's cheap wine - then one glass limit). I am an extreme lightweight - I just don't drink much and when I do, watch out. After two glasses I get really sick. Well, the wine kept coming and I kept on drinking. After three glasses, I had to call it quits. This was on a Friday afternoon. I was sick the entire weekend.

Starbucks adventure #501 - everyone knows this is one of my favorite places to write and as of late I've been trying to find different ones where I'm not known (less interruptions). Well I found one in LA. I walk in get my coffee and have a seat. Well, I'm wearing my Hulk t-shirt with my Wonder Woman chucks. A guy sits next to me and I swear he wouldn't stop staring at me. So, me being me, I say - "Hi." He says "So are you one of those women who I wouldn't like when they get angry?" I laugh because I thought it was a Hulk reference. He's not laughing. I say, "I don't get angry, I get even." The guy gets up and goes to the other end of the coffee shop. What did I say?

Change and that Leap of Faith

I noticed I didn't post anything for the month of April..sorry dear readers. It has been a busy month. My agent called and told me to finish my pilot...NOW.

Everyone in Hollywood waits impatiently for these types of calls. When they come, you act...no excuses. Wow - someone is interested in me!!! Of course they are...what's not to like about me? :)

I stayed up a few nights working on final connections trying to make my characters very well rounded and dropping a few hints leading into the second episode. Working on very little sleep, I resume with full force my temp job. Last week it hit me the day AFTER I turn in my pilot to my agent (she asked for it May 1st and I turned it in on April 25th) I can no longer work two full time jobs. It worked for many years beginning in college where I had 5 jobs and carried a full time class schedule.

After numerous calls to my mom, a tear or two with hysterical laughing (thinking I must be crazy), slight financial panic (especially after the past horrendous four years) I had to decide - be a temp with the only reward of a weekly check and more social interaction OR write full time and no weekly check. Hmmm...guaranteed funds or having a can of beans everyday?

Thursday Morning, I gave notice. Friday morning met me in a panic with my hair all over my head and my pajamas drenched in sweat, fearing I made the wrong decision. I managed to control my hair, showered and made it into the office. Things had changed. I could see clearly now that I've made a decision. The hard part is sticking with it. I made it through the day. I balanced my checkbook. I also went to Target and stocked up on beans.

Saturday an overwhelming sense of freedom came over me and my decision to pursue my desire to write was clear. I made the right decision.

Change is necessary and stepping out on faith shows determination in getting exactly what you want and more.

When was the last time you took a leap like this?

PS - I don't think my dog can handle me eating beans for much longer. He doesn't like the competition. :)

I made it THROUGH!

It has been a FOUR YEAR struggle and earlier this week that struggle ended. What happened you ask? I took my life back! I had been bogged down with the drama of loss and not remembering who I am and what I am capable of. Watch out world, the light is back!!! I've emerged from the fire a beacon of light, wiser than when I went in. I AM THAT I AM. I get it now. Watch out for great happenings, starting NOW!

What a Fool Believes

Everyone is gifted in some way. I have a few gifts and without revealing all, let's just say I was lead astray by my own volition. The path I stumbled upon was so off that now I kind of feel like Alice and that damn rabbit hole! Everyday I wake up asking these three questions:

1. How do I get out of this?
2. What was I thinking?
3. How can I be so stupid?

If ever there was a moment to take something back, or be granted a "do over" this would be one of those times. I must admit, I've never jammed myself up like this before. Unlike an investigation, I cannot retrace steps or move backwards in order to move forward to find the killer. There is no killer and I'm not writing a television drama. This is real life. This is now. "What's done cannot be undone" to borrow the phrase from Shakespeare's Lady Macbeth.

Maybe I should stop trying to answer those questions and continue to move forward, lay low - maybe no one will find out. I'm already filled with many secrets. As a writer, I've seen and done many things, enough to fill a lifetime; which is why I cannot believe I made such a foolish mistake. All I can do is wait for divine intervention to either move it forward or delete it completely.

Make it so number one!

I had to laugh...on the inside

Let's just get this out of the way right now...on this date, thirty...oh wait I work in the entertainment industry and we don't age nor do we give our age...a star was born! Yes I share my birthday with Glenn Close and Bruce Willis. So Happy Birthday all March 19th Genius Babies!!!

So I worked my first Con (WonderCon) on Saturday and actually had a great time! Sooooo many people dressed up and some looked absolutely fabulous. I had a great time even though I was working. I met some very cool people as well. As is the tradition for me, inevitably there is at least one incident that happens that throws me for a loop. This time is was two. On Friday, I had sent out a facebook request to a person I thought I knew. It turns out, same name different person. On Saturday, at the con, I met that person. We were both like, "huh?" First I wished him a happy birthday as it was on Friday and then I thanked him for the "add" on facebook. I couldn't have predicted that even with my super sharp psychic skills! The second odd happening, this guy comes up to me and tells me that my smile makes him happy and it has restored hope into his life then he proceeded to give me a hug. I, of course am looking for security and planning my escape from this portly guy who has crossed my personal space. He then wrote down every method of contact for him and begged me to be his friend on facebook and to call him. He needed me in his life. I pried myself loose, flashing that famous smile then stepping back. He started his life story. I heard "I want to be a comic book illustrator..." and then it hit me, I was wearing DC Comics credentials and he wants a job! Before that epiphany, I thought "why couldn't the man of my dreams greet me in that way?" Now the next time a man comes towards me with his arms out, I will stop smiling and RUN!

Nothing else to report on this day, I just thought I had to write something since it's such a special day.

Happy Day All!!

Go With Your Gut?

Gut Feelings...are they real or do we have gas?

I'd like to think I'm a smart cookie and for years I have used "gut feelings" when making important decisions like whether or not to buy something, meeting a guy, or working on an assignment. How many of you actually go with gut feelings? Are they really accurate? Why do we have them?

Recently, I not only had a huge GUT FEELING, I have the proverbial "slap in the face - wake me up - fall out of the bed" experience. I am one of those rare birds who uses both sides of her brain (stop laughing) my creative and analytical sides. Often there are times where the two cannot seem to meet half way and one MUST take over. Usually my creative side puts up a good fight! Analytical won...again. Could my analytical side be the one keeping me from love? After all, isn't love creative?

I did go with my gut and it lead nowhere but this blog post. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences. Life is all about learning lessons and experiencing new and great things. Sometimes logic has to take a back seat to creativity. This time I think I'll just wait it out and take a gas pill. I must admit, this gut feeling was insane (no logic whatsoever) yet I feel like it's not over yet. Maybe I should start making my last meal at 3pm instead of 4.

Who Says it Doesn't Come Back Around?

Yesterday something happened that both opened my eyes and hurt my heart. You know that deep hurt you feel, when no matter what you do (drink, smoke, apologize) it just won't go away; that is where I'm at this morning. I was told that I was HATED! People didn't like me because I was MEAN! What? A brave FRIEND told me yesterday. Someone met me yesterday and commented to her about how much I've changed and how I am actually very pleasant and nice.

Not a day goes by where I would ask God what I did "what did I do to deserve such a hard and difficult time?" I couldn't understand. I didn't kill anyone and to my knowledge I never purposely hurt anyone. In my mind, I've always been nice and honest with all who encounter me. Haha...ENCOUNTER. That word means to come upon or meet with, especially unexpectedly: to encounter a new situation. Little did I realize that for some, this same word meant a certain fear...to meet me. What? Me? The happy-go-lucky girl with the two dogs who meant the world to her? No, they must be mistaken. My solution, as it has always been is to write about it. For years (since 13) I've kept a private journal about everything I felt and everything that has happened in my life.

I will break it down into sections as not to forget anything.

How I was
I worked for a studio for many years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up to a position that was right on the precipice (I love that word) of being an executive (woohoo the BLUE BADGE). Then it happened. I made the mistake many make and rarely recover from and remain in the business...I was consumed with power and thought because I put in the years, blood, sweat and tears, I could do whatever and treat people however I wanted as long as I got my way. I was mean to people. I was laid off and sure my party was a standing room only event. I thought these people, my "friends" were sad to see me go. Oh but that wasn't the case - they were happy to see me go and just making sure it was real that I was really out of there! OUCH! I thought people "loved" me because I was the one who connected people. I was the queen of networking. If anyone needed anything (legal of course), they would call me. I had celebrities calling me for things. Wait...Celebrities? I was the one people could trust to get things done and to create opportunities by putting people together.

What I've been through
Since then I have not been able to get a permanent position and we are going on six years! But wait, do not feel sorry for me. It has taken these six years of HELL and hitting rock bottom to find the real ME; the ME I thought I was showing to the world. I was financially successful, whatever I wanted, I got. I gave to charity every month, I wrote checks, I got my hair done, I bought a new car every 3 years and I even bought a house. When I got laid off, the first two years were ones of blame and anger. No matter where I temped, you could always see the residue of of an unresolved hurt, a pain masked in blame, anger, and now shame. Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, let's just say, I lost my car, almost lost my home, my hair began to fall out, I look to charity for food, and the temp jobs are steady. I no longer have the "friends" I thought I had. Sure my facebook account displays an impressing 737 "friends," but in reality there are only five people close to me...yes, I wrote FIVE. That's it. Humbling right? Very. As far as the other 732 people, they were people I've met throughout my life but never really made the time to get to know. That's on me.

What I've learned and what I'm doing now
After being laid off I went back to school and got my masters. It turns out I'm not the idiot I thought I was. I'm actually very smart but didn't see that because I was consumed with my outwardly appearance and what I can take. Oh and for those analyzing this, Good Luck. I turned into many of the folks in this town. I lost me through the accumulation of THINGS. Because we all know it's THINGS that define who we are, right? Maybe I was an idiot? LOL! Though it all, I found myself again and through writing. I was fortunate enough to meet someone who introduced me to production and invited me to the set of a crime show. I was so impressed (and pissed that I spent so many years on the corporate side) that I asked him how do I get to where you are? He told me - WRITING. From that day, April 10, 2007 - I began my journey in writing for an audience. My very first script was horrible! He told me, with all of my life experience, I should be able to dig deeper and really tell a story. That did it. I dug deep and my second script brought about two things, 1. it made that guy stop talking to me and 2. got me an agent. Who knew?

I've calmed myself these days, mostly through writing and social media outlets. It was the stripping (ha, not that kind - the world is NOT ready for me to be a stripper) of me to my barest state that got me to where I am now...still temping. (LOL - yeah, I now have a sense of humor) But now I have a goal. I know who I am. More importantly, I know how to treat people. Sure, I still have that STRONG personality (that simply isn't going away, it is in my DNA) but it's not an aggression filled with anger (hate for self, etc) - more like filled with hope and understanding. The struggle is still here but going away. I do manage to eat everyday now. I have a car and I still have my house. I've learned extreme money management. I don't have the friendships I used to have but I am looking forward to making new ones and actually BEING a friend. Yes, my world is still protected - that will not change but I will be more considerate of others by not profiling (again - in my DNA) immediate actions and reacting differently...with patience. Sure, I know I still have a way to go - possibly a lifetime to get it right but today I feel better that I am finally on the write (tee hee) path.

My advice
For those out there who are like me, use my experiences as an example...one day you are on top and BAM just like that it is ALL taken away from you. Be nice (not stupid or gullible), help those who are willing to do the work. Be the example and not the problem and please, please, PLEASE stay away from the STEREOTYPE! I cannot stress that enough. People are out there who are willing and able to help you achieve your goals - they just don't want to help people who are mean and not worthy (because they're mean). Who knows, maybe now LOVE will be able to come into my life. Mean isn't sexy!

Have an inspired day!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @writerstewie or email me, comment, drink coffee - do whatever...just be nice to each other because it comes back around and it's usually WORSE (or better) than the original sin (good deed).

What's going on with me these days?

So many things have happened since my last post. There are so many things I would like to share but cannot right now. My heart is heavy with the loss of Whitney Houston. I didn't realize how much her voice and songs impacted much of the 90's for me. Her songs gave me hope that one day I would find that perfect love. Well here it is many years later and that perfect love hasn't found me, nor have I found him yet.

Writing

I have not been able to write much these days. I'm under a tremendous amount of stress and working on relieving that stress so that it doesn't kill me. Nothing is that serious. I have reached out to new people for help with my writing. I have taken my agent's advice and searched for a mentor - so far the two that I was interested in JJ Abrams and Seth MacFarlane are "out of my league" as my agent puts it. I disagree of course. I know that everyone had to start somewhere and I also know that everyone had help - no one did it on their own. I have successfully planted seeds of greatness in both camps - we shall see what happens.

I finally got notes back on my FBI pilot. Great, no EXCELLENT notes - so now I can move forward on that project. My second pilot is in development and I am creating the characters and forming the story. Both are great ideas and I would like to see them hit the small screen. I'm also considering writing a horror film at the request of a friend who thinks that is what I'm best at! I'm writing notes on something and will announce when the time is write (haha).

Friendships

I'm expanding my circle of friends and seeking out new people. A new concept for me. I figure in order for change to happen, I've got to let go of the old and open my heart to the new. That also will help with the mate thing, even though that is still way in the back of my mind. I have never been one of those women whose entire life revolves around a man - my parent's just didn't raise me that way. Plus, the two "I's" (Intelligence and Independence) seem to scare guys but I have hope it will attract the right guy. I did recently meet this one guy but that was only because he was at the gym working out with his shirt off and the sudden attraction to his six pack sent my heart racing. Of course at the time I was on the treadmill trying to break my 7:34 mile record...somehow it made me slow down and I did not break the record that day.

A friend called me to give me sound advice on meeting a man. "You need to date outside of your race." I said that I had not met any aliens but would welcome them if I was attracted to them. She laughed at me and said that she was serious. I told her that I was too. I told her there are no color lines as far as I'm concerned but I do have a list. I read her my list and twenty minutes later she told me that I would never find all of that. It wasn't that my list was long, I had to explain why I selected certain things. Needless to say, that friend has given up on me. The good news is that I haven't given up on myself.

Happy Fat Tuesday People!!!

Follow me on twitter @writerstewie

Good Neighbors, Good People!!

I am probably the luckiest person in the world...no, I'm not saying this because I want something from my neighbors...I am being very genuine. I'm proud of both sides - they are truly good parents! Not only are they raising very smart children, they are raising children who don't see a color line.

I went to a book signing this afternoon for a friend. I was the only black person there. It got me to thinking, I have a ton of friends and many are not black. Of those who are white, it is very possible that I am their ONLY black friend! I go to their homes and there are no other black people there.

I love my neighbors because 1. their children have in fact seen and played with other black, asian, hispanic children - so seeing someone outside of their ethnicity is not a shock. I cannot believe in this day and age the only exposure some children have to other races is what they are allowed to watch on television.

Does anyone else see a problem with that or is it just me?

Neighbors...you rock!!

Secrets to my Success and my rant about teasing the Obese!

In January everyone promises to change something about themselves. By the third week of January that promise is broken. I find that making promises like that solely based on the fact that it is the beginning of the year is a sure sign of failure. I am NOT saying that it doesn't work for some but for the majority of folks failure is a surety.

My secrets...

Whenever I start something or vocalize a goal, I start it at that moment. I begin planning out how my life will have to change to accommodate this new goal. I take it one moment at a time, not one pound at a time. If I sit and watch the scales, it frustrates me and I give up. But if I take it one moment at a time (workout to workout - correct food choice at a time) I am more successful.

Weight Loss

In 2000, after months of research, I decided to have a gastric bypass after failing at Weight Watchers and Nutri System. I dropped 114 pounds. Now 11 years later (October will be 12 years), I have managed to keep off 90 pounds and gaining 24 in 11 years (2.2 pounds gained per year)!

2011 I found SHAKEOLOGY (http://myshakeology.com/WriterStewie) and my life has once again changed. My yearly physical results - EXCELLENT. I am healthier today than I was 2 years ago! I've also dropped 10 pounds from last year (January to now). I am working out more, I begin each day with Shakeology and Coffee, I am dealing with the stress of my life in a better let destructive way by having a better outlook and not attaching myself to toxic situations (including people). My workouts range from a simple walk to an intense hip hop/insanity workout (http://beachbodycoach.com/WriterStewie).

Recently, one of my facebook friends posted a picture of a morbidly obese woman on his page. The comments of his friends were very hurtful. I used to be that woman. For those of you out there who think fat is funny, watch out because we eventually lose the weight and will come back and kick your arse for being cruel. Oh and it will come back to you ten-fold. So the next time you see someone who isn't your idea of beauty - keep your thoughts to yourself!

Writing

Last year I didn't write as much as the previous years - the death of my stepmother and one of my dogs, the challenge of friendships and the push to find a job took a great toll on my creativity. I did successfully get nominated for the FOX writing program but I didn't get selected. I did successfully rewrite my FBI pilot and started writing another pilot. Lastly, I did start another spec, this time for the show Fringe. I did my best to keep up with my blog! I guess looking back, I did do some writing.

So there you have it...I use Shakeology, Insanity, and I keep a positive outlook on everything in order to keep the stress level down. I no longer look for a single person to be a best friend (that's not logical for one person to be everything to me). I work as a temp and have embraced the fact that it is work. And, I am writing - whether its read or not, I will not stop. Keep writing and rely only on YOURSELF!! People will promise you the world and deliver nothing!

Happy Sunday!!

Day Two...

January 2nd and all is well. I'm up early on my day off and thinking about all of the possibilities for this new year.

Yearly resolutions are a thing of the past for me as I create and accomplish goals daily. So it seems to be silly to make a goal for the year when I accomplish 12 times as much!

My goal for this week:
Incorporate the biological imperative reasoning scene in my spec script.

Develop the character "Trixie" in my second pilot.

Run/Walk three more times this week.

Work on the "list" - these are the people in which I would like to align myself with (mentor)for writing.

Share one of my nutrition secrets - http://myshakeology.com/writerstewie

It's gonna be a great week!

Happy New Year! Live it day by day and week by week - that way you can accomplish anything.