Goodbye 2009!

When I say it has been a hard and disappointing year, know that it's true! I am so looking forward to 2010. To all of my readers - Happy New Year!!!!!

A blink of an eye...

Here it is the morning before Christmas. Many folks are doing last minute shopping preparing for tomorrow. I'm in bed having coffee and watching Tomb Raider. Unlike many, I work up at 2am in a panic, wondering what to do and how I will muster up the courage to make it through another day without spiraling down that wicked path of negativity. Hope is all I have to show God that I am worthy of his blessings and deserving of help. Unlike Chase bank who last week decided not to give me a modification on my mortgage because they feel I am hiding money. Just when I thought I could see the light at the end of this dark tunnel, I now realize it was just my imagination. I am sick of this struggle. I am sick of mean and self-serving, scared people. I guess this is the end of my dreams of success. I've applied for more jobs this year than I have in my entire life. Today, right now, I cannot tell you what the future holds for me. All I know is I will give it my best even if I must live on the street.

Sure, Merry Christmas.

Invictus - the movie

Last night faith was restored to my soul through a movie. I like feel good movies. I like movies with a message. In these difficult times, I must continue to believe I will emerge victorious. NO matter how hard times may get for me, I must realize that God will never abandon me and God will deliver me. I recommend everyone seeing this movie. This movie is a heartfelt reminder of what Nelson Mandela went through emotionally for 27 years only to come through it as a saint.

THE POEM
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Amazing

It's amazing how in one fell swoop your life and outlook on life can change. Bravo Joel Osteen, thank you for reconnecting me with God.

Getting Through This!!!!

When I tell you I am going through it, believe me – I AM GOING THROUGH IT! I have faith I will get through this because faith is ALL I HAVE. Temp jobs have all but stopped. This is the first year in my entire life where I have not been working as much. I have gone through every emotion, experienced many losses and found out who my friends really are. Amazingly, I have more than one…I have TWO! I am lucky.

This morning I cried like a baby. Mary had to go into a nursing facility last night and I, her step daughter could do nothing to help. Without income, I cannot fly to Chicago to help the person who has helped raise me in her time of need. I broke down on the phone with the mortgage company when they asked why I didn’t make a payment… I prefaced my response with – “this has been the worst year of my life. A good friend died, my credit was ruined, people with their own fears and insecurities have made my life a living hell (think WB Tech Ops!), my family thinks I’m a loser, and the friendships I thought I had do not exist. In the span of a year, I have lost almost everything that has taken many years to gain. And now that my family needs me, I cannot be there to help. As soon as I get a job, you will never have to call me again.” End of conversation. I wonder if he shed a tear. By the end of the phone call he told me that he would do all in his power to help me get through this (wow and that was a BofA rep).

I invited an old boss to the lot I was working on yesterday. It was great seeing him. I was so embarrassed that in all of these years (five), I have not grown career-wise. I was so ashamed about that and the fact I had no money to buy lunch. Thanks for allowing me to eat off of your plate!

Being unemployed and relying on people to take a vacation or get sick in order to work is not the living for me. I hate it but it is all I have right now. Why Boston University dumped me, I will never know. This is not the life for me and I have to change it, and that time to change is now. I don’t know how, but I do know I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! When my time comes to leave this Earth, do know I will not go defeated!!!

My next blog post will be GOOD NEWS!!!

Precious and The Color Purple

No, this is not the title of a new children's book, nor is it a comparative analysis of the two movies.

The movies depict black women at their lowest point and bring them to their somewhat happy ending. Here's the problem, in the middle before that happy ending (if there is one) is a long bout of depression, insecurity and hatred for ourselves.

I live and work in Los Angeles, yet I was born and raised in Chicago. I was having lunch with a friend of mine on Saturday and we had an interesting conversation about black folks here vs. black folks in the Midwest or the east (yes, we lumped the two together since their attitudes are similar). We wholeheartedly admitted it was harder and took longer to acclimate ourselves to the Los Angeles scene. Coming from Chicago, the "no non-sense" and "mean-what-you-say" town, we've found the black folks here (in Los Angeles, just in case I dropped you with that last sentence); out impression of the black folks here (some of them...can't generalize!) is that they "seem" to be cold, insecure,unforgiving and single. On the positive, other than the weather, black women here seem to be more health conscious.

The struggle for this black woman has not been an easy one. Having a black first lady has not eased what most of us still have to contend with and overcome on a daily basis. I have been through things that would make a weaker-willed person think twice about living (no offense to those not as strong as myself). I find everyday I am having to prove myself in one way or another. Where is my happy ending?

Why do we hate each other and ourselves so much? Black women are the most beautiful in the world (yep, I said it), yet our level of confidence is so low that we hurt ourselves and each other. Why?

FlashForward Backwards?

ABC has a real winner with FlashForward, a television show loosely based on the science fiction novel of the same title by Robert J. Sawyer. Sawyer created a futuristic world, 2009 in which on October 6, 2009 for 2 minutes and 47 seconds the entire human population blacks out and is given a glimpse of what their life will be like in six months. The show centers around FBI agents trying to piece together the world's flashforward experiences through a website they created called Mosaic in order to figure out who is behind this and what their goals are.

This is a stunning example of free will. Here is the catch, just because you see it, does it mean it will really play out that way? Is this show promoting creative visualization? Clearly realism is out of the picture, even though they tried. FBI agents are not that emotional or passionate, even though they are human, their years of training strips away emotion in order to carry out the thankless and difficult jobs ahead. Most law enforcers deal with the worst of society.

What's my point here? Who knows? I got distracted as usual with crap!! I just figured this was a good start to something interesting.

Inspired by Michael Jackson, talent by God

Day four and no work. Instead of being depressed and going over all of the issues in my life, I decided to go see Michael Jackson's This is it! Gerald has the week off and so we went together. It was nice to see him since we mostly chat on IM.

Michael Jackson was a true perfectionist whose instincts were so keen, it seemed he was psychic. I was so inspired to keep going for my dream and actually knowing it is going to happen for me. Writing is what I do. It allows me to say what I want, right or wrong. I do my best to research something to its very essence, then create a story on top of that.

Today, I began writing on my pilot. It felt so good not to be rushing somewhere or bored to tears on an assignment or working with an insecure person. I think when people see me, one of two things happen: they see what they could have done with their lives by going for their passion and not settling; or the look at me in disgust and pray they never end up like me a temp with no future and no history. What they don't realize is I am not responsible for the misery or joy in their lives and if they are looking to me for a solution, they need to find God.

Michael reminded me of myself with a dogged sense of perfection for every word I write. I feel I am the only one who goes nuts over a typo! I try to think of each word especially if I am angry with someone. I want to make sure they know exactly how they made me feel (how I allowed them to make me feel) and they will think again before trying to play that game on me. I am not a fighter per se, but I will let you know where I stand. Seeing Michael rehearsing and making each move perfect like a natural instinct, made me feel normal again. "This is it" this is my time to shine. I need to prove to myself that writing is my career and my passion.

I miss Michael and I wished I would have met him before he transitioned. I like to think in someway he is watching over me, pushing me to be the best me I can be. Of course that little voice in my head is me, although as of late it adds a "WooHoo" at the end of every triumphant choice of word, line, and scene.

Thanks Mike.

Precious ME

I guess if I had grown up reading books by Sapphire, was raised in a depressed home environment and had an abusive father; I could of related more. Don't get me wrong, I do empathize with anyone, black or white that has to endure such atrocities. I am no better than anyone and I do not want you to take away from this that I am. I am simply stating that that was not my experience growing up. Of course too, I am not stating all was well. In Precious, I did see quite a few similarities in my own emotional upbringing. I can relate to being the fat daughter, the ugly girl, the dumb student. I, like many black girls longed to have the light skin and long hair. We kept our hair relaxed in hopes it would grow down to touch our shoulders and we could shake our heads and it would move from side to side. Oh yes, once that happened, I knew better days were ahead. Wrong!

I grew up in Hyde Park on the south side of Chicago. Back in the 80's the neighborhood was mixed. It was not a suburb where white folks only encountered black people on tv while watching the Jefferson's. I was surrounded by a loving but stern family, very intelligent friends and teachers who gave a damn. I remember Mr. Latman and Mr. Sherrill, Mr. Dora and Ms. Stein pushing me to my limits and allowing my tiny, shy, ugly and fat voice to come out. Thank you.

Back to the movie. Mo'Nique did a phenomenal and exceptional job! I would recommend everyone watch this movie. Precious represents all of us in one way or another. It is neither black or white but more of a universal truth that needs more exposure so we can heal the hurts and right the wrongs. You will learn something about yourself. You will change or at the very least think about change.

The director and the writer. As a writer it is always good to meet, and interesting to hear of the successful ones plight/fight to the respectable top. While Geoffrey Fletcher was inundated with other aspiring writers wanting to know how he made it, I asked what his inspiration was for the line "tv channels I never watched." We weren't allowed to take notes during this screening so the line is not exact. He gave pause, he noticed me and we struck up a conversation. Mr. Fletcher told me that it took him five months to write the screenplay adaptation - his first. He shared that it was like that, we get in a rut and only watch what we can understand, not venturing out to learn something new (my words not his). I always want to know the thought process and the "whys" of any behavior - I guess that's just my die hard and useless criminal justice background education. Fletcher did a good job by keeping true to author Sapphire's voice and skillfully added a hint of his own. He did well with his very first adaptation.

The director Lee Daniels. I love meeting people in person. It allows me to mentally understand who they really are by observing body language and how they answer questions (damn CJ mind). He admitted he wanted Helen Mirren to play the role Mariah Carey had. That right there should give you a glimpse of who he really is. I will let you guess. He also revealed he realized he was "racist" before making this movie. Now the white folks in the audience did gasp, but that isn't what he meant. He wasn't racist against white folks, he was racist against his own folks. He, like many confused black Americans have subscribed to the media portrayal of their own kind, exploiting the sad and the hopeless. That's not his fault. The fault is in "The American Dream" - another CJ reference. Daniels did a good job in bringing this tragic novel to the big screen.

Cowards make lousy employees. - House

House said it best in last nights rerun. That is how I will sum up my experience in the Tech Ops department at Warner Bros. That department needs some serious cleaning out. There are more miserable and insecure people in that one area than in the whole of Warner Bros. Youth and intellect scare them. My assignment was simple (although they told the agency it is a very hard assignment and we need someone really smart) basic data entry. A no brainer to me since I had experience in that area and I knew some of the people there. Monday. I walk in to an empty workspace. I sit and sit and sit, three hours later Ann (the woman I reported to) comes over and tells me that I will be doing a ton on data entry but she needs to print out the sheets for me. In the meantime do filing for another manager. Cool. Three huge stacks are plopped on my desk. The woman who plops them looks familiar but hey, as a temp, everyone seems familiar. Two hours later finished the digital file. Ann comes back and still has not printed out these lists I need to start working. I am a happy ray of sunshine in most gloomy places, for some that is a nice respite for others it is a threat. When the lists finally came to me (late Tuesday) I knocked them out in one hour! I then had to wait again for Ann to enter information on her part before I could move to the next task. Meanwhile, all of the filing was done (alpha'd, date ordered with labels and placed in the drawers!!!).

Thursday, more people from my past realize I am there and stop by my cubicle to say hi. Once again completed all tasks assigned. Ann's boss was in the office chatting with her when I stopped in to let her know I completed the task. Her boss asks her, not in these exact words - what do you do all day? Ann's response: I tweet! I tweet Lance Armstrong. Her boss - an extremely intelligent woman gives her a puzzled look in which Ann took as confusion as to what tweeting is, so she proceeded to explain to her twitter. All the while, I and another worker were standing there waiting for her to do her job.

Outcome: I was fired for being too social. I am still laughing at that.

What a Week!

I have not disappeared from the face of the earth, I am here hanging on to the last ounce of hope I can muster up. Let's start with what has happened recently:

1. Last Thursday I came up with what I thought was a great idea for a movie or a tv pilot. It came to me by my grandmother in a dream. I immediately wrote it down and sent it to my agent. It's been a week and I have yet to hear from her. I feel she may have given up on me, like the rest of the world, even like God, I hate to even admit that but this struggle I am going through and continue to hope for it to end, has lasted for a while - more specifically since Warner Bros. laid me off February 5, 2005. I have not been able to recover financially, I have not been able to experience true happiness and I have not been able to live debt-free. Oh how I miss that time where I wasn't scrounging for food and I could buy whatever I wanted and not worried about anything. Yes, I do feel like I am being continuously punished. Warner Bros. didn't have to lay me off. It was strictly political and I only have myself to blame. I can no longer blame the jealous bitches Carrie Frymer and Maye Lebby for my demise. If I would have only kissed their asses and pretended I was their slave - moi a slave to other assistants? At any rate, what is done is done and my voice has been silenced to that matter. KARMA.

2. Lack of funds - nothing really needs to be said here. I am doing all that I can that is legal to make things right. I am failing miserably.

3. Am I really a talented writer or not? I have people who love what I have to say and read the stories I tell, but I guess it is the important people who must like what I write. But wait, aren't my friends the important people?

4. Mary - Mary is in the hospital and I spoke with her yesterday. She is sounding well and I hope they will be able to fix what is wrong with her. I would love it if she were around and healthy until 100! If these are her last days, it saddens me because I no longer have the credit or money to fly back to Chicago to see her. I don't have money to put gas in my car or food in the refrigerator! God, why have I (a very nice person to all) fallen so far from grace?

5. The matter of the heart - there is no matter so I must not have a heart. Sure I know a ton of people but not one would want to have a loving relationship with me. I am a creative thinker. I question, I ask, I try, I fail and I succeed. I do? Even when I try (John), I am ignored - nice strike for my ego. It's like people think that I will want more than they have to give. They don't even give me a chance. Me letting go quickly doesn't help either.

6. Sherice. Losing friendships always bother me. She and I have had an acquaintance friendship for many years. She was the friend I could always rely on to go out and do spur of the moment things. I look back on our friendship and believe we were never really close. I guess in the beginning I shared something from my heart with her and she judged it - QUICKLY! Since then, I shut down and never really had deep conversations with her or shared anything that could be judged. I found myself just agreeing with her in order to get through the moment. That is not a friendship. So there is no reason to feel sad, but I do feel the loss. It's time to clean house and get rid of the people who suck the energy out of you and no longer matter in your life. It's a new season.

7. Temping. Ugh. I absolutely hate it but it is the only way I am making any money right now.

8. Gerald. Funny how people fall out of your life when they get money. He was afraid I was going to ask for his help. We are not that kind of friend and now we are not friends at all.

9. Boston University. They dropped me. No explanation, no nothing. I guess the job you have really does effect people's perception of your intellect. Funny how it didn't matter when they wanted my money and now that I have been educated by them and not giving them money - my day-to-day job does matter.

10. Gastric Bypass and Heartburn. On Saturday I thought I was having a heart attack! Now that I look back at the chain of events - I hadn't eaten much that day (I had no food and not gone grocery shopping yet). I MUST eat something every two hours. I had the opportunity to have food at my neighbors house that evening because they were having a party. So sad and pathetic that I have to find food that way. At any rate, the food I ate hit me like a ton on bricks because of not eating meals that day. Tell me again when this struggle is going to end?

11. Tons of people. I know tons of people, not one of them will help me find a job. Half of them know I have outgrown the role of slave secretary but without executive experience and the forever temping and the lack of nurturing the relationship; they cannot (or will not) help me. The other half - who knows. What am I, psychic?

That's all for now. I've got to get ready for my TEMP job!

Something interesting this way comes.

Do you ever get the feeling that something exciting is about to happen? Your stomach fills with butterflies and you have a general feeling of anxiousness. I am having that feeling today. I welcome it!!!

DEXTER spec - Dental Damned

Vacationing cops are disappearing with their body parts turning up in the belly of the alligators. Dexter is distracted as usual, but this time it isn't family it's the root canal. Does Dexter have a copycat when it comes to body disposal? Have cops become the new delicacy for the lock-jawed beasts?

GHOST WHISPERER Spec - My Death Will Heal Your Pain

Usually Melinda is successful in guiding lost souls into the light, but helping the family and friends resolve an unfinished matter. What if the living refuses the soul passage into the light? How long will your soul have to pay for a crime you committed on this side?

Where the wild things are is where children shouldn't be

A childhood book is transformed into a movie. Nothing is new there. But is this transformation adequate for young children? My sister and nephew went to the movie this weekend. She and two other families walked out 10 to 40 minutes in and got their money back.

Who has the right?

I find it interesting that people are so quick to judge and condemn without knowing the whole story. I also find it interesting that we, the collective "we" must bear our souls to prove we are indeed human and have struggled in order to have a voice.

After all these years to building strength to convince your mind that you are worthy no matter what your life experience.

Not all that glitters is gold and not all wounds heal completely. Forensically speaking there is always a trace of scar tissue left behind.

My unwillingness to bow to ignorance is costing me too much.

Angela's Ashes

Maybe it was divine intervention, but I needed to see this movie. I guess at the very least it took me away from my problems for the duration of the film. In my hard times, I admit I often asked God, "why me?" I quietly analyze the main characters, looking for an ounce of hope or understanding. That is so silly. I look for hope when I feel I have none. I've been good, I've held out hope, I pray, I've even asked for help. I think, "my life isn't as bad as Frankie McCourt." Actually, maybe it is? I'm about half way through the movie. I am quickly reminded that I am scrapping by, deciding whether or not to spend this weeks $20 on food or gas since I can't do both. Wondering which creditor to pay on time or a week late, or wondering if I will get a new assignment when this one ends next week. I decided to take my chance at the grocery store. I hoped there would be good sales on decent food instead of junk (which is cheaper than the food that is good for you). Today was my lucky day, Ralphs had a sale on decent food and I spent $17.47 leaving me with $2.53 for the week. The price of gas is $2.99 a gallon. I guess I will be staying home this weekend.

That's ok. Surely my hut can't stay on fire for much longer, right? Surely something great will happen for me this week, right?

I can relate to going hungry. I think about the daily struggles I face, and I laugh because no one knows. I play a game with myself and try to hide my hunger and my shame. To think this all started because two women felt threatened by my self confidence. Looking back, I would of course done things differently, maybe I should have kissed ass and laid low.

There is nothing I can do about it now. I still have hope, God. I am not giving up but I do think I will cry today.

Angela's Ashes..thanks for reminding me just how bad things can get. I pray they won't.

HOUSE spec - Polar Opposites - Logline

Porn brought them together and tore them apart. Now House and his team must figure out what else binds them in order to save their lives.

I loved researching and writing this script. Admittedly, it did take a while because I literally had to go to med school in order to understand everything. An interesting fact about me, seven years ago I assisted in an autopsy here in Los Angeles. I remember it as if it were yesterday, the smells, the sights and the people (dead and alive). I also remember the forensic pathologist praising me on my motivation and intellect and how I will make a great doctor one day. Once I told him I was there for research, he told me I should reconsider and become a doctor.

CSI:NY Spec - Facie ad Faciem

How far would you go to save the life of someone you loved, even if it was murder?

I loved researching and writing this script. It is absolutely fascinating what and how far people will go for the ones they love, never mind others have people they love.

Never Giving Up!

Recently I was told I had no talent, I had no voice...of course people are entitled to their own opinions whether they are right or wrong. By telling me that I can't only makes me try more. I am staying in faith, I know this is what I am supposed to be doing.

Praise for my agent!

I bet I am the only one in Hollywood who has an agent who gives homework. I love it and I love our relationship. She will soon see the fruits of her labor of taking this baby writer under her wing!

As a creative analytical person, I think it is vital to have people you trust in your corner. Everyone has their jobs to do and my job is to create. It is also my responsibility to be in constant gratitude for everything, good or bad.

Thank you my wonderful agent! Get ready for the ride!

Friendships

Thick or Thin friendships are supposed to last, right? Recently, a friendship in which I thought was solid ended. I do have my limits. A person should only be called a BITCH once, not three times. To me three times means this person has some deep-seated and harsh feelings about you that have never been resolved. I am not saying all friendships must be perfect, which means solid friendships will have their bumps and scrapes. But to call someone you have called a friend a BITCH more than once in one setting is very telling. You begin to look back on the relationship and if you're like me, you quickly end the relationship and not look back.