Kicking you when you're down...

Why do people do that? When you're doing all you can, strugglin' tryin' to make it to another day, you've gotta let it go. I can't change people but I can change myself. Stay tuned for dramatic change ahead.

Depression sucks!

I hate it when it hits because I am rendered immobile and non-communicative. I feel like I have so much pressure and stress that I can't concentrate enough to write, I can't think clearly without blame, shame and negativity creeping in. I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. I must stop defining my existence by this struggle that is now three years old. It must end, it's got to, right?

Finding the strength to keep going...

I'm doing my best to hang on. It seems like when things are looking up something happens to negates that small ray of hope. I'm tired of the struggle and I know this must end. I admit, going through this you really find out who your friends are.

The Stats/The Dentist/Life

I find it hilarious that there are 15 IP addresses from Japan following Stewie's thoughts. It's amazing how the internet has given me popularity. OK, so 15 people...hey, it's better than zero.

Back from the dentist yesterday...prognosis...I have a cavity under my crown. I'm blessed to have found a dentist with a heart. Although they couldn't do anything for me because I had no money or insurance, they did do what they could to ease the pain in my tooth for no charge.

What I'm going through, I wouldn't wish on anyone. I miss the stability of what my life was. I miss a savings account. I miss knowing that whatever I wanted (within reason) could be gotten and I miss comfort. I am sleeping through the night but I believe that is the depression. I believe there are levels of stress and I must be in a stress pocket in which my conscious mind has shut down to the possibility of failure at the moment and is sustaining itself in a hold pattern based on the recent positive feedback these past two months have yielded. Or maybe subconsciously I'm tired of playing that broken record and have removed the record from my playlist.

I will get through this dear readers.

It just isn't funny anymore...but wait...

I was never laughing! I realize everyone is going through something but it seems I continue to go through something a lot! Besides the unfortunate usual friendship disappointments, I am now dealing with my teeth...again! This time I have no insurance and guess what, no money. It is absolutely crazy that I find myself in this predicament. I thought I was smart. I thought I could see all of the possible dramas coming, yet here I am sitting in pain, trying not to shed another tear.

Can someone tell me why all of this is happening to me? Even if I understood the reason why, would it help me get through it quicker?

Seriously Universe...STOP PICKING ON ME!!!!

Thank you.

TEN TEN TEN!!!

How could I not post anything today? I've been up and at it for a while this morning working on my pilot script. It takes a lot to create a show and I don't think people, the viewers realize it or care, as long as it's good and realistic!! One of my friends told me this morning after he read one of my scenes..."it made SAW look like a Nickelodeon!" Yes, I'm taking that as a compliment and for the record, I've never seen a Saw movie.

Back to my writing, and rewriting, and rewriting!!!

God's Confirmations!!!

I believe in signs and angels. I also believe in sharing with the world when a confirmation (sign) happens or a question/prayer has been answered. I'm on an assignment at a studio for the next three days (thank God). I am working in a new area surrounded by old friends. One such friend just walked in and introduced herself to me. We knew each other through the phone only, so I never knew what she looked like but I knew her name. Once we realized we knew each other, I noticed she was pregnant. Twin girls and she looks stunning! She's also a bit older and that was my confirmation to a question I had last night for God. Is it going to happen for me? Yes believe it or not I am getting older and I still don't have a mate but I do have faith that I will have everything I want. Meeting this person was my confirmation. She met her mate unexpectedly. She is pregnant. She is having twins. She is happy. I want all of that and more. I know without a doubt I will have those things and more.

Thank you God.

Busy Mind

Coming off of a busy weekend, my mind is restless needing to create and perfect. I feel it, do you? Something great is about to happen for me. I've been perfecting my pilot preparing it for the world to see. I've been perfecting my appearance, attitude and diet to prepare for my new life. I am truly excited about the day. I have been here at my favorite Starbucks since 5am. I caught up on my Dexter viewing and now I'm reading case studies to add twists and turns in my show. I'm very excited and blessed.

Thank you God.

Have a great day everyone.