Who Says it Doesn't Come Back Around?

Yesterday something happened that both opened my eyes and hurt my heart. You know that deep hurt you feel, when no matter what you do (drink, smoke, apologize) it just won't go away; that is where I'm at this morning. I was told that I was HATED! People didn't like me because I was MEAN! What? A brave FRIEND told me yesterday. Someone met me yesterday and commented to her about how much I've changed and how I am actually very pleasant and nice.

Not a day goes by where I would ask God what I did "what did I do to deserve such a hard and difficult time?" I couldn't understand. I didn't kill anyone and to my knowledge I never purposely hurt anyone. In my mind, I've always been nice and honest with all who encounter me. Haha...ENCOUNTER. That word means to come upon or meet with, especially unexpectedly: to encounter a new situation. Little did I realize that for some, this same word meant a certain fear...to meet me. What? Me? The happy-go-lucky girl with the two dogs who meant the world to her? No, they must be mistaken. My solution, as it has always been is to write about it. For years (since 13) I've kept a private journal about everything I felt and everything that has happened in my life.

I will break it down into sections as not to forget anything.

How I was
I worked for a studio for many years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up to a position that was right on the precipice (I love that word) of being an executive (woohoo the BLUE BADGE). Then it happened. I made the mistake many make and rarely recover from and remain in the business...I was consumed with power and thought because I put in the years, blood, sweat and tears, I could do whatever and treat people however I wanted as long as I got my way. I was mean to people. I was laid off and sure my party was a standing room only event. I thought these people, my "friends" were sad to see me go. Oh but that wasn't the case - they were happy to see me go and just making sure it was real that I was really out of there! OUCH! I thought people "loved" me because I was the one who connected people. I was the queen of networking. If anyone needed anything (legal of course), they would call me. I had celebrities calling me for things. Wait...Celebrities? I was the one people could trust to get things done and to create opportunities by putting people together.

What I've been through
Since then I have not been able to get a permanent position and we are going on six years! But wait, do not feel sorry for me. It has taken these six years of HELL and hitting rock bottom to find the real ME; the ME I thought I was showing to the world. I was financially successful, whatever I wanted, I got. I gave to charity every month, I wrote checks, I got my hair done, I bought a new car every 3 years and I even bought a house. When I got laid off, the first two years were ones of blame and anger. No matter where I temped, you could always see the residue of of an unresolved hurt, a pain masked in blame, anger, and now shame. Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, let's just say, I lost my car, almost lost my home, my hair began to fall out, I look to charity for food, and the temp jobs are steady. I no longer have the "friends" I thought I had. Sure my facebook account displays an impressing 737 "friends," but in reality there are only five people close to me...yes, I wrote FIVE. That's it. Humbling right? Very. As far as the other 732 people, they were people I've met throughout my life but never really made the time to get to know. That's on me.

What I've learned and what I'm doing now
After being laid off I went back to school and got my masters. It turns out I'm not the idiot I thought I was. I'm actually very smart but didn't see that because I was consumed with my outwardly appearance and what I can take. Oh and for those analyzing this, Good Luck. I turned into many of the folks in this town. I lost me through the accumulation of THINGS. Because we all know it's THINGS that define who we are, right? Maybe I was an idiot? LOL! Though it all, I found myself again and through writing. I was fortunate enough to meet someone who introduced me to production and invited me to the set of a crime show. I was so impressed (and pissed that I spent so many years on the corporate side) that I asked him how do I get to where you are? He told me - WRITING. From that day, April 10, 2007 - I began my journey in writing for an audience. My very first script was horrible! He told me, with all of my life experience, I should be able to dig deeper and really tell a story. That did it. I dug deep and my second script brought about two things, 1. it made that guy stop talking to me and 2. got me an agent. Who knew?

I've calmed myself these days, mostly through writing and social media outlets. It was the stripping (ha, not that kind - the world is NOT ready for me to be a stripper) of me to my barest state that got me to where I am now...still temping. (LOL - yeah, I now have a sense of humor) But now I have a goal. I know who I am. More importantly, I know how to treat people. Sure, I still have that STRONG personality (that simply isn't going away, it is in my DNA) but it's not an aggression filled with anger (hate for self, etc) - more like filled with hope and understanding. The struggle is still here but going away. I do manage to eat everyday now. I have a car and I still have my house. I've learned extreme money management. I don't have the friendships I used to have but I am looking forward to making new ones and actually BEING a friend. Yes, my world is still protected - that will not change but I will be more considerate of others by not profiling (again - in my DNA) immediate actions and reacting differently...with patience. Sure, I know I still have a way to go - possibly a lifetime to get it right but today I feel better that I am finally on the write (tee hee) path.

My advice
For those out there who are like me, use my experiences as an example...one day you are on top and BAM just like that it is ALL taken away from you. Be nice (not stupid or gullible), help those who are willing to do the work. Be the example and not the problem and please, please, PLEASE stay away from the STEREOTYPE! I cannot stress that enough. People are out there who are willing and able to help you achieve your goals - they just don't want to help people who are mean and not worthy (because they're mean). Who knows, maybe now LOVE will be able to come into my life. Mean isn't sexy!

Have an inspired day!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @writerstewie or email me, comment, drink coffee - do whatever...just be nice to each other because it comes back around and it's usually WORSE (or better) than the original sin (good deed).

What's going on with me these days?

So many things have happened since my last post. There are so many things I would like to share but cannot right now. My heart is heavy with the loss of Whitney Houston. I didn't realize how much her voice and songs impacted much of the 90's for me. Her songs gave me hope that one day I would find that perfect love. Well here it is many years later and that perfect love hasn't found me, nor have I found him yet.

Writing

I have not been able to write much these days. I'm under a tremendous amount of stress and working on relieving that stress so that it doesn't kill me. Nothing is that serious. I have reached out to new people for help with my writing. I have taken my agent's advice and searched for a mentor - so far the two that I was interested in JJ Abrams and Seth MacFarlane are "out of my league" as my agent puts it. I disagree of course. I know that everyone had to start somewhere and I also know that everyone had help - no one did it on their own. I have successfully planted seeds of greatness in both camps - we shall see what happens.

I finally got notes back on my FBI pilot. Great, no EXCELLENT notes - so now I can move forward on that project. My second pilot is in development and I am creating the characters and forming the story. Both are great ideas and I would like to see them hit the small screen. I'm also considering writing a horror film at the request of a friend who thinks that is what I'm best at! I'm writing notes on something and will announce when the time is write (haha).

Friendships

I'm expanding my circle of friends and seeking out new people. A new concept for me. I figure in order for change to happen, I've got to let go of the old and open my heart to the new. That also will help with the mate thing, even though that is still way in the back of my mind. I have never been one of those women whose entire life revolves around a man - my parent's just didn't raise me that way. Plus, the two "I's" (Intelligence and Independence) seem to scare guys but I have hope it will attract the right guy. I did recently meet this one guy but that was only because he was at the gym working out with his shirt off and the sudden attraction to his six pack sent my heart racing. Of course at the time I was on the treadmill trying to break my 7:34 mile record...somehow it made me slow down and I did not break the record that day.

A friend called me to give me sound advice on meeting a man. "You need to date outside of your race." I said that I had not met any aliens but would welcome them if I was attracted to them. She laughed at me and said that she was serious. I told her that I was too. I told her there are no color lines as far as I'm concerned but I do have a list. I read her my list and twenty minutes later she told me that I would never find all of that. It wasn't that my list was long, I had to explain why I selected certain things. Needless to say, that friend has given up on me. The good news is that I haven't given up on myself.

Happy Fat Tuesday People!!!

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