For Colored Girls...

One word...POWERFUL! I finally got to see this movie today. I could identify with each female character and I swear I met each male character! I wonder what black men must think of Tyler Perry exposing the ugly that us black women know exist. Now wait, before y'all attack. I am in no way saying that all black men are like the characters portrayed in the movie. I know guys like this in every race.

This movie made me take pause and reflect on my own relationship, or rather lack there of. My mind was flooded with questions and next steps on how to avoid the pitfalls portrayed in the movie without starving myself of affection and most importantly love.

I haven't found the answers yet. But when I do, rest assured, I will blog about it!

Grateful...

I'm grateful for the real friends I have and the ones I have yet to meet. The key to good solid friendships is to be there when they need you the most and when they don't.

I'm grateful that one person opened their heart to me, therefore prompting me to open my heart to them.

I'm grateful that my family loves me no matter what and are always in my corner.

I'm grateful that I keep trying until I succeed. It's who I am and giving up is not part of my makeup.

I'm grateful I can do my own hair. I know...random but true.

I'm grateful to be in great health.

I'm grateful to have been able to keep 100 pounds off my body for ten years now.

I'm grateful for my life.

Thank you God.

For a while now...

I've wanted to write what I'm really feeling and going through but I stopped myself because I didn't want to seem negative and without hope but...the following things have been on my mind about this past year:

1. Friendships - A true friend should be just that and not contingent upon how much money you make. I let go of that one friend whom I thought would be with me forever because he understood me and genuinely cared about me. Only to find I was kidding myself and I was the driving force in that relationship. Finally when I needed him the most, he turned his back on me. He immediately lumped me in the same category of all the women who failed him in his life. I am the same person he rejected years ago as a love interest because I was too fat, yet embraced his spirit and intellect and formed a friendship instead.

2. Work - I have seen more back stabbing than usual even as a temp. People are doing all they can to make sure they keep their jobs whether or not they are happy at them or not. My recent experience has lead me to just do the job and go home. I am not there to make friends. You don't really have friends in Hollywood anyway. We are all here to use one another to advance our careers. A friend is someone who comes out and tells you their intent upfront and not pretend to care only to drop you when they have gotten what they wanted. Amazingly, I know or have been introduced to many people who could employ me, yet they are silent. Do they know something I don't?

3. Writing - I'm still writing, if not everyday then every other day. I am determined and highly motivated to succeed and succeed well. I think about all of the people I know who could ease this struggle a bit and are not giving me the time of day. That motivates me to succeed even more.

4. The Struggle - It is still here. Recently I was saddened by the lack of invites for Thanksgiving dinner. One person, of all the people I know actually thought about me for a moment. She was a stranger who has seen my struggle. Thanks Jill for thinking about me. I guess this means I shouldn't care about others. On the flip side, it's hard for people to open their hearts for fear of attachment or commitment. People have families and closer friends to care about. That must be it. There isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not thinking about others and trying to figure out ways to bring them closer to their own happiness. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I care?

Why do I care? It's in my nature to care. I am changing, for the better and I know some will not like it, but I have to do what's best for me. That is where we are in this society...selfishness and greed. But wait, they've been here since the beginning of time! I'm not saying I will become greedy and selfish. What I am saying is that I will take care of those who never left my side no matter what the circumstance. I also know and have experienced that you reap what you sew and what goes up must come down and lastly you live by the sword you die by it.

Happy Holidays!

I feel...

I should write something since so much has happened since my last post. The bad news is that insecure people never change and continue to seemingly hold me back as I strive to be better than what society expects.

Things must change for the positive for me.

The good news...I will write that when it happens.

Fear and Uncertainty

You ever have one of those days where you're just afraid, afraid that everything is going to come crashing down on you after you've done your best to keep it together? I'm having one of those days. This morning I had to grovel for a job...yet again. I'm grateful to have gotten the interview but would feel better getting the job. If one thing unemployment and this economy has shown me is humility. Every day I battle with myself to hold on to an ounce of the self-confidence I once had before my life took such a cruel and unforgiving turn for the worse. I've experienced loss before but not at this magnitude. And the people...the one thing Los Angeles does and does very well is let you know that you are never as good as you seem and the people you meet are not ever really your friends. In my twenty years here I can still count on one hand the amount of people I consider friends. Here in LA you don't really have friends in the traditional sense, you have acquaintances who get you from one situation to another. No one but the very few really has your back.

I hope I can turn my life around. That would really be nice because I'm tired of living in this uncertainty and with this fear that wakes me up in the middle of the night in a panic. God, please...thank you.