For a while now...

I've wanted to write what I'm really feeling and going through but I stopped myself because I didn't want to seem negative and without hope but...the following things have been on my mind about this past year:

1. Friendships - A true friend should be just that and not contingent upon how much money you make. I let go of that one friend whom I thought would be with me forever because he understood me and genuinely cared about me. Only to find I was kidding myself and I was the driving force in that relationship. Finally when I needed him the most, he turned his back on me. He immediately lumped me in the same category of all the women who failed him in his life. I am the same person he rejected years ago as a love interest because I was too fat, yet embraced his spirit and intellect and formed a friendship instead.

2. Work - I have seen more back stabbing than usual even as a temp. People are doing all they can to make sure they keep their jobs whether or not they are happy at them or not. My recent experience has lead me to just do the job and go home. I am not there to make friends. You don't really have friends in Hollywood anyway. We are all here to use one another to advance our careers. A friend is someone who comes out and tells you their intent upfront and not pretend to care only to drop you when they have gotten what they wanted. Amazingly, I know or have been introduced to many people who could employ me, yet they are silent. Do they know something I don't?

3. Writing - I'm still writing, if not everyday then every other day. I am determined and highly motivated to succeed and succeed well. I think about all of the people I know who could ease this struggle a bit and are not giving me the time of day. That motivates me to succeed even more.

4. The Struggle - It is still here. Recently I was saddened by the lack of invites for Thanksgiving dinner. One person, of all the people I know actually thought about me for a moment. She was a stranger who has seen my struggle. Thanks Jill for thinking about me. I guess this means I shouldn't care about others. On the flip side, it's hard for people to open their hearts for fear of attachment or commitment. People have families and closer friends to care about. That must be it. There isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not thinking about others and trying to figure out ways to bring them closer to their own happiness. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I care?

Why do I care? It's in my nature to care. I am changing, for the better and I know some will not like it, but I have to do what's best for me. That is where we are in this society...selfishness and greed. But wait, they've been here since the beginning of time! I'm not saying I will become greedy and selfish. What I am saying is that I will take care of those who never left my side no matter what the circumstance. I also know and have experienced that you reap what you sew and what goes up must come down and lastly you live by the sword you die by it.

Happy Holidays!