Loving someone incapable of Loving again

People who have been beat down by past relationships find it hard to love again, not thoroughly. They hold onto pieces of a past that no longer exists, carrying it with them into their future. How do you love someone like this? In my opinion, the only way to love someone so hurt and broken by their past is to love them unconditionally - without expectation.

I've done this recently. Admittedly, it's not easy. It's especially hard when you are able to see beyond the hardened shell the person has erected. I'm not special. I just see beyond what appears before my eyes.

Love unconditionally - no expectations of that love ever being returned or restored in that person for you.

The Universe Has Jokes too!

I thought some people were Ha Ha funny, it seems the Universe has jokes as well. Doing all I can to move forward, yet it seems I keep getting sucked back into the madness!!! What's the plan, man?

Happy, the new state of mind

I love meeting people, especially people I've met through Facebook. Today, I met a friend of Oliver's, now my friend. We spent a good portion of time reminiscing about our friend. I have good friends. Everyone has something. Everyone goes through something. It's how you react to their situation that makes the difference. I've learned throughout the years to keep calm. After going over the events of the last year, of which most of it's a blur, I came out ahead. All I know is I did the best I could to help my friend and his family. I also fell in and out of love for the first time in my life. I accomplished amazing things, just in the past two months alone; and I am blessed with awesome family and friends who were with me every step of the way.

I love it when people comment on some of the pictures I post. I posted one last year where so many people sent messages of congratulations and you look so happy...finally. Now, I am just happy for no reason. I'm good to everyone I encounter. I've learned to not overreact (zero to a hundred), and I let may things go. My life has changed for the better. Thank you.

Mustard, Relish, and Ketchup

Sometimes those three things are all you need to make you happy. What? How? When you're coming out of a serious funk where nothing seemed to go right and you're hanging by a thread, your only refuge...mustard, relish, and ketchup can save the day and restore the hope.

When I was a child, I used to eat mustard, relish, and ketchup sandwiches. Ewww, you think. Not so. They were my favorite next to popcorn! I had them in a time in my life where I was innocent, young, safe, and most importantly loved. I loved those sandwiches. When things seem out of my hands, the one thing I can always rely on...mustard, relish, and ketchup sandwiches.

Faux-Friendships

I had coffee with a dear friend this morning. It's nice catching up with friends you've been out of touch with for a while. I realized something. I keep a limited amount of people I call friends - I can actually count them on one hand, and amazingly only two of them are on facebook. We spoke about friendships in this faux-friend town. Real friendships are rare. Most people like to call themselves friends because they want something. At first I was sad that I had so few friends who cared about me, but after our conversation this morning, I realized how lucky I am to have more than the average amount of true friends! The statistic in ones lifetime is to have 2 true friends. I have five, and I haven't lived a lifetime. I am a good friend to many, yet the reciprocal is not true. People in Los Angeles are used that, those of us who've been here for a while. The new folks to Los Angeles undergo a total culture shock! Everyone is selfish to a certain extent, but here in LA it's almost criminal (if not) how selfish people are. This really is the town of "unworthy egos." Everyone wants to be heard, yet very few listen. I am no longer sad about only having 5 true friends. In fact, I am no longer sad about anything these days. I've very happy with the woman I am becoming. I've let go of the girl of the past. Thanks to those five.

Next Challenge starts in four days!!!! But there's more...

In Four days I will start my 30-day Arms Challenge. I've also decided to add another challenge and that is to take two weekends a month and go somewhere either alone or with someone. I love Santa Barbara, Temecula, San Diego, and Joshua Tree. Anyone want to join me? Here is sit having coffee in Santa Barbara on this beautiful and crisp morning posting from my ipad. I felt the need to get away and so after Trader Joe's this morning, I just kept going!

The arms challenge:

Have an awesome day everyone!!!

It's August and a Great Time for Change

I'm excited about moving on from my seemingly endless temp status to a permanent job outside of the entertainment industry! Kinda scary.

The weather has been perfect for hiking. So I put this group together and everyone has backed out! So I went to facebook to find more friends and sadly, those who live close don't feel their in shape enough to hike. Who knew I actually graduated from an inactive sedentary shlub to an active on-the-go woman!! Ya know what? I Love it!!!

I'm excited about the Breaking Bad marathon I'm holding on Sunday. It seems appropriate in celebration of my new job and position at...oh wait, I shouldn't say just yet.

Have a great weekend!!

Relationships Rant

Lately I've been thinking about relationships. Maybe it's because I'm doing more research. I'm currently reading a book called "The Johns: Sex for sale and the men who buy it." This is off the heels of a book I finished called "Girls Like Us." I'm doing research on my novel and both television pilots.

Anyway, reading all of what's going on under our noses (for those who are not in the life) got me to thinking about relationships in general. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs state we all have five basic needs, one of them is love/belonging (friendship, family, and sexual intimacy).

A friend asked me last week, what happened to me that I am so unwilling to allow love to happen? Of course, I think to myself, does something always have to happen by opting for a life of solitude? Without getting into the entire conversation, the end result was me outright refusing to allow myself to fall again. My thinking: I tried it, I put myself out there. It didn't work. I move forward. The experience was such that, I'm not really “wanting” to put myself out there again, not for a while. In fact, I'm still processing the experience since it was totally unexpected! I have more important things to accomplish in my life than to want a guy to like me, right?

In a conversation with a guy last night, who seems to be smitten by the fact I am not in a relationship and was fine with it, I realized Maslow was right in his assessment of basic needs. This guy believed lack of communication was the reason for his relationship breakdown. Yet, through all of this, he still found the time to hit on me wanting to start something new. His not so subtle hints of sex and relationships didn’t fool or motivate me to investigate further. The conversation ended with the ball in my court to contact him if we want to be friends.

Then I see women, like this morning with such low self-esteem wearing skin-tight, low cut and short dress ( temp at that on a new assignment) with red high heels in a legal department seeking attention (or maybe she likes dressing that way - I don't want to seem envious, I've got my own hotness going on). Maybe she REALLY needs a job? Or maybe she didn’t get to do laundry this weekend and all the clothes she had left were her party clothes? I think to myself, was I ever like that? Not really. I have a healthy awareness of self that I am happy with me. Of course I grew up in a house of love. I never felt the need to impress someone, relationship-wise that is.

Watching #FirstComesLove last night (a documentary featured on HBO) made me see yet another side to relationships. For the first time I was able to see what many men complain about in women. Nina Davenport's overwhelming need to be accepted by her father was very annoying. On one hand you see this seemingly strong and determined woman setting out to have a child on her on. And on the other, you see her vying for her father's acceptance and affection. At one point I thought, forget it! The man is set in his ways and forcing him to accept/approve/love you at this stage will do no good. You've now brought in a new life into the world and your full attention should be on this baby. Teach him to love and show him the love you feel you're lacking from your father. Then there is the "I want a baby and want everyone else to help me raise it" attitude. I think it's wonderful that women want to have a child but at the same time, look at your situation. Can you afford a child? Are you prepared to raise a child alone? Nina assumed everyone, including the father (even though she told him he wasn't responsible for the child in any way), was Gung-ho about helping her beyond the birth. She was seriously disappointed when her friends backed off and left her. Even the boyfriend, who seemed to want to be in their life and was somewhat cool with the child ended up leaving, Yep, there was much we didn't see. Of course this was about a single woman having a baby and not about relationships, right?

Have I really become that hardened? Do I really think relationships are so simple? Why are women so desperate to be defined by a man? Or a baby? Was Maslow right? Relationships are complicated no matter how simple you may want them to be. There is always some underlying stuff that eventually surfaces.

I better get another dog.

TODAY!!

After listening to Joel Osteen's inspiring message this morning, I've decided to make this a day of giving compliments (more than usual). The few friends I have already know how much they mean to me. I feel its important to continuously, yet genuinely let people know how you feel about them or their actions IN A POSITIVE WAY! I'm not saying lie to them but pick out something positive about a person and let them know you see the good in them.

Try it. Reach out to someone you haven't connected with in a while and tell them something good. Leave it at that and don't explain, complain, or detain.

Happy Sunday!

What's New?

I'm still working out and on day 21 of my AB Challenge. I'm actually doing it and having a good time! I feel stronger and focused. I've realized something, I'm an excellent motivator. Once I decide on something, I do it. It's very rare that I back out or give up on anything, even people.

I started journaling again, writing about events that happened since the last time I wrote in it (11/11) - so over a year of events to write about. After seeing it all written out, its crazy but things are getting better, I'm getting better. Change is happening, one failed moment at a time. Ironically things are a little up in the air right now meaning they could go either way. It's hard not to focus on the negative since it's so easy.

Today I will not allow negativity to take over my thoughts and I will not do zero to one-hundred thinking. I will also stop being so hard on myself. One day at a time.

Solid

Yesterday was an interesting day. I had three virtual conversations with friends. Very truthful and enlightening. I can let go now. I always could let go but I held on because I believed it gave me protection and to a certain extend...comfort. What is it I'm letting go of? ANGER. I knew and wanted this day to come for so long. It has ruined so many relationships. Not anymore.

Genovevo Salinas v. Texas

Have you read this case? You should.

http://scarinciattorney.com/supreme-court-reconsiders-the-right-to-remain-silent-salinas-v-texas/

Let's discuss!

Things I do...

To make myself feel better and relax:

1. I exercise! I challenge myself to make it to the next level. I've been blessed with great genes and health. I'm slowly transitioning to a vegetarian but I will have a steak once in a while. I drink tons of water depending on the temp assignment I'm on. Sadly, some assignments don't allow me to leave the desk to go to the bathroom more than a couple of times a day (yeah, I'll get to that later).

2. I treat myself to my favorite food. For me it varies and 99% of the time its something healthy. Today it was Menchies!! Other times its Olive Oil popcorn, blueberries, almonds, and apples. I rarely eat ice cream. Sometimes I will have fattening potato chips and a Hershey bar. I don't deny myself anything but at the same time, I don't eat that much.

3. I pop in my favorite DVD, and since I have over 3,000 of them, I'm good. If nothing catches my fancy, I will go to a movie.

4. I have a glass of wine - usually white, but I will drink red on occasion.

5. I pick up a book (kindle).

I know many of you must be surprised that writing is not among this list. I write for a living and I do it daily in some form. To relax, I don't write.

6. I go for a walk.

7. If I really need to get away, I either go to Santa Barbara or Palomar.

8. I go to a museum.

Too Proud

Have you ever been proud of an accomplishment, bragged about it and then later that accomplishment disappears? It's like I'm afraid to be too happy because at any moment something crappy will happen to ruin it. That's how I've been feeling as of late.

It Comes Around...

So why am I not doing the happy dance? Recently, a few people who have been very awful to me personally have fallen upon public ridicule and misfortune. I dreamed of this day for years (yes it's been that long of a wait for karma to happen) yet there was no happy dance in me, nor was there even sorrow for them. These people are getting what they deserve and oh so much more...these are very cruel people. Honestly, I feel nothing. The dreams that have sustained me for all these years have finally come to pass and it was no more eventful than me clipping my toe nails while watching television.

The bottom line is, it will come back. The key - when it does, treat it as any other day. The comfort should be in the knowing they will get theirs, not the reveling in it!

Your Chance to Share...

Share what, you ask? Your thoughts about ME!! Okay, I know you think this is me wanting my ego stroked, but no it is not. I want to know your thoughts. You ever hear ICE CUBE's "You better check yo self before you wreck yo self" phrase from his ever popular song Check Yo Self? I swear I need to have that as my ringtone, alarm, and doorbell!

For the past few years, life has been a bit of a challenge and opportunities/connections I used to have are no longer there or rather available to me. So I've decided to do some in depth soul searching and try to figure out why.

Your response is anonymous and there is no need to be polite or nice. Start by answering the following questions then add your own comments.

Thanks!

1. Do you consider yourself a true friend of mine?

2. Are we still friends?

3. How long have we known each other?

4. Have I ever done something to piss you off? If so, what was the underlying reason?

5. How do you honestly feel about me as a person? Friend? Co-worker? Lover? (Only respond if you have ever been in these categories and not a wishful thinking situation.)

6. If I were to change, would you be surprised or think that I cannot change?

7. Further comments (good or bad).

30 Days Later...

I've decided to wait a week before I begin my 30 day AB challenge. It was hard to get up this morning! Mentally my body knew it didn't have to workout today so it stayed in bed. Funny, I kinda miss the elliptical. I had gotten into a routine and now I must get into another routine. I will resume the elliptical next week four days a week maximum for a while. I know I can do it.

As far as my body...I'm a little stiff, but feeling fine. I haven't dropped any weight but I expect that is because I never gave my body down time to recover. This is why I'm taking the week off.

All in all, I'm glad I did the 30 day challenge and looking forward to the next.

Now, back to writing!!!

I DID IT!! ZERO TO ONE-HUNDRED!!

30 days straight
30 workouts
30 minutes each
No less than 3 miles and the maximum mileage was 6!

Why did I do this?

Because I needed the challenge. When I feel my life is stagnant, I need something POSITIVE to shake it up! All who know me, know I'm a natural motivator. Some people say I have an "all or nothing" mentality (zero to 100) - and you know what? I do. I go after what I want and I always will have the satisfaction of saying and knowing, I TRIED!!! My grandfather, who passed away at 96 told me - ALWAYS TRY because you don't want to get to my age and have regrets or the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's." Trying and succeeding is part of my DNA make up, along with great genes, a sharp tongue, a warm smile, a great heart, impatience, intellect, and a great spirit. For those who bother to get to know me will see that and more.

I look back on some of the things I've done and think "WOW Lisa, you're pretty damned awesome - even through the struggles, the rejections, and the pain - you are a child of God and that will never change!"

Happy Monday!!

Reasons NOT to Give Up!!

Before you take the title out of reference - not giving up on my dream turning into a reality of being a working television writer!

1. I'm healthy
Today is day 26 of my 30 day 30 minute a day challenge!

2. I have a place to live
By the grace of God, I have a roof over my head even with the various challenges that have crossed my path!

3. I have food and water
I manage to keep food on my table even when the money is not there.

4. I have 3 true friends
They love me no matter what is happening in their lives or mine. They call to check on me. They listen and encourage.

5. I'm working
It may be temp work but it keeps a roof over my head and my belly full (AB Challenge starts next week!).

I've come so close a few times now and each time motivates me to keep going. I know I'm in the right place and it's all about timing and relationships.

Stay in faith and not allow the bitterness to touch your soul. I've had so many people make so many promises - don't rely on the promise of others, rely on your own part in this play. Be the best person you can be and the right people will cross your path.

Never give up on yourself!

What I love About Me?

I was born with determination. I was a preemie, so from the first breath I had to fight to take another and another and, well you get the point. Having to work so hard to live from the beginning has instilled a great amount of strength, determination, and will. I've always gone after what I've wanted and for the most part I've gotten everything and more.

Recently, I challenged myself to workout for 30 minutes a day for 30 days...Today is day 24 and I went 4.8 miles on my elliptical. I used to run until my doctor took me off running and put me on the elliptical stating it will be better for my knees - and it has been. Without realizing it, food became my comfort for oh so many years ago. This once 3.5 pound preemie ballooned up to 300 pounds. And I never realized it until people started telling me I was FAT! And we all know FAT makes you UGLY...silly notion I see that now, but back then (13 years ago) I held onto that belief and working in the entertainment industry was not helping my self-esteem one bit. Mostly everyone around me was SKINNY. My determination and will to NOT become a type 2 diabetic kicked in and now 150 later (from size 28 to a 10 - shooting for an 8), healthy, happy, and yes BEAUTIFUL (that never changed)!

Last year I fell in love for the first time. Even though the relationship didn't last, I'm still happy that I was able to open my heart and trust someone completely. When you've studied criminal profiling for so long...wait for it....here it comes..."He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche I wasn't becoming a monster but I did allow the many cases I've read and studied over the years about the cruelties people have done to each other that I completely shut my world off to anyone.

Now, my biggest goal to date...to become a television writer! After surviving preemieship, getting back on my feet after a long bout of unemployment, and throwing away 150 pounds, THIS has been a DOOZY of a challenge! In television, in the entertainment industry period, it is ALL in who you know. I know a lot of people but I also know that you MUST have something when you get there or you DISAPPOINT those people! With all of my rejections and misses, I continue to perfect my skills. I write in some form everyday. I also read a lot.

I'm a good person. I treat others with respect and compassion (depending on how they come at me). I manage to help others without letting them in my world completely. I am compassionate and caring but also very strong and determined. And that is what I love about me. :)

EIGHT MORE DAYS!!!

Twenty-two days ago I challenged myself to do 30 minutes of cardio a day! In eight days I will have accomplished my goal. The next goal is 30 days of ABS!

Thank you Shakeology for the nutrition!!





What are you challenging yourself to do?

There's a difference between...

Waiting for something to happen and making things happen. I choose to do both, sometimes making things happen pushes it too far and the results are not what you wanted. On the other hand, waiting for things to happen might make you too late. So put it out there and wait. We all get the messages on when to act, just make sure you act!!

I've been working on something for a while and thus far it has yielded no results other than frustration and dead ends. So okay, technically those are results, just not the results I want. Today, I shall do something different.

Challenges!

I've been on a challenge kick.

- Last week (after a weeks notice) I completed TWO drama scripts (that means they were at least 60 pages)to submit to various writing programs for next year. I enjoy writing dramas, to me they are much easier than writing comedy. I find myself funny but that doesn't mean others will.

I'm very excited about the two pilots I'm working on. Both are still in research mode with one actually on paper.

- After hearing about a friend's story about poor health and the doctor giving him a scare, I decided to challenge myself to do 30 minutes of cardio a day for 30 days! I'm proud to announce today is day 19 five miles on my elliptical!! The next challenge is the 30 day ABS!


- Join me! And as an extra added bonus - if you purchase SHAKEOLOGY through me for a six month home direct (cheaper) then I will give you a month free!! http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/writerstewie Soooo many people ask me my secret to youthful looks, great attitude, and tons of energy. Of course genes, but SHAKEOLOGY,, water, movement, and healthy eating are key ingredients! Shakeology will help you turn your eating habits around and feel better.

Follow me on twitter: @writerstewie


What are you challenging yourself to do? Have you started? What's holding you back? Feel free to post here or send me an email. I'm happy to help (even though I do hold a masters in the behavioral sciences, I am not a psychologist!).

Have an awesome day!!!

April 2013

It's been a very busy slow month! Slow work-wise yet busy writing, attending seminars, reading books, and the mandatory networking!

Life is so funny and interesting. Sometimes the lessons we think we need to learn are actually not the lessons we need to learn. They are the lessons we need to share in order to help someone else learn.

Finding my JOY!

I've been in a sad place for over four years now. Sure there have been some happy moments but nothing to sustain my joy. It began when I was laid off my job. Suddenly a plethora of emotions, issues and unexpected drama began. I admit, I was spoiled in my position for eight years. I had gotten used to the personalities and the politics. I knew the game and the players and they knew me. And in one fell swoop it was gone. I had savings and I thought I had friends to sustain me through what I thought would be a brief blip in my life. Wow, what a BLIP! I've encountered more backstabbing, outright cruelty and insecurity in people than I have in my entire life. I was used to being around strong, smart, and sure individuals. Now all I seem to encounter are very insecure and not so smart people, downright sneaky types that hang their futures by being cruel to others.

How can I find my joy in a world like this? The other day, here in Burbank, I saw a billboard in all caps and big letters, "SUICIDE: Know the signs!" Wow, as a society is this where we are? I believe people are tired of the blatant cruelty being bestowed on others.

I will find my joy. I just need direction. I'm in auto-mode, which sadly is survival mode yet I am NOT cruel, backstabby or insecure. I tend to internalize which incidentally is why I have a blog...to get things out, share my thoughts. I used to find joy in simple things, nature, my dogs, my friends, chocolate.

What brings you joy?

In the story

I sat down to write at my favorite writing spot this morning. Have you ever been so wrapped up in your story that it feels like it's happening? That has never happened to me. Usually I know it's a story but I was so into it, I was actually there in the moment. In this particular scene we are in a park early in the morning looking for body parts. I could actually feel the cold air and the warmth of the coffee cup in my hand as I spoke with the detective. I need to finish the story.

My Day!

Today I am devoting all of the day to myself which means I will do what I want. How does this differ from any other day? Today, I will not concern myself with others issues - internally or externally. As most have noticed, I've reverted back to my natural hair and am going back to pure and raw food eating habits. I will not worry about anything today, or allow anyone to dampen my mood with theirs.

Today, I am loving and accepting me. My heart and soul have been heavy and unfulfilled as of late due to external torments in which I had chosen to take on. Today, that ends. I am free. I am free to feel, love, hope, and dream again. I am accepting all that God has placed on my path and beyond. I am grateful for all experiences good and bad to date because somehow they have allowed me to get to this point. I will STOP trying to figure out WHY/WHY NOT and move forward. I will stop looking to the past for answers.

I will let people be. I will continue to be me. I love me.

We still have choices...

Recently a group of people tried to steal my joy. After the shock wore off, I got angry then out of the blue yesterday three people reached out to me to share their exact same experience with me. They asked me how I deal with it when rejection happens. Never let someone steal your joy amd realize the situation was beyond your control. The only thing we can contol is how we REACT to the situation. My advice to them - let it go, never forget, and realize something better is coming in for you. Oh and DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Of course, in the line of work we do, how can you not take rejection personally? I reminded them, it is our reaction to the rejection which will lead to or hender our chances for future work. The only consolace was to not forget what was done to you and by whom and to know that it can happen at any time. In this industry is is a 98% guarantee you will run into those people again. Somehow that was very thereputic for me and for them.

Choose to let it go but don't forget the people and how they made you feel.

Happy Thursday! :)

"With understanding comes new perspective." John Gray

So I'm reading a book called "Venus on fire Mars on Ice: Hormonal Balance...the key to Life Love and Energy" by John Gray, Ph.D. - I came across the above quote which rang true to my thought process. I think I was born with an inate understanding of people because I profiling personalities comes so easy to me. I can usually figure out a person before they even open their mouths. I can tell in their writing and actions whether or not they are being truthful or have something to hide. Without realizing it, I use my talent/skill on every temp assignment I have. I quickly assess the personality of the people I'm working for then adjust my own in order to complete the assignment.

In most cases, I make new faux friends and in a very few, I don't. This skill is needed in order to rely on temping as your only source of income. Life isn't complicated, people make their lives complicated.

Which brings me to the title of this post, "with understanding comes new perspective." Through the years of temping, I have learned to alleviate much stress and worry by understanding the people I come in contact. I take a moment and try to understand why they reacted a certain way towards me then I pause before responding.

Human behavior is indeed fascinating. Instead of judging someone off the bat, take a moment and put yourself in their shoes then proceed. If they're hostile and unbending in their poor attitude, move on - walk away. Ninety percent of the time I understand why people react to me in a certain way. The other ten percent is a mystery.

Change your perspective, drop your fears and give someone one chance, then move on.

Dreams of the Past

For the past few nights I've had some of the strangest dreams of people who have passed on. In my dreams, I'm attending their funerals again. I am always with my family and we are always on some type of adventure. I'm not up on dream interpretation, but I do know that death means change. I've been waiting for change to happen. Somehow the past keeps popping up and in some cases it isn't pleasant. I'm reminded of how cruel people have been to me, for no other reason than their own insecurities. Somehow, I seem to threaten people without saying a word. I've decided to turn this newly recognized superpower into my latest pilot. This should be a quick and easy script to write since I've had the misfortune to meet people who feel threatened by me.

Do you unknowingly intimidate people? How do you deal with it? How WOULD you deal with it if there were no repercussions? On the flip, are you a person who purposely intimidates people? What are your insecurities? How does it make you feel to purposely attempt to ruin someone's life?

Everything Happens for a Reason!

Especially when it is something good. I do my best to be good to everyone even though some are not good to me. I cannot control others feelings about me and don't really care why they have an issue with me. I must keep moving on and remaining happy and positive no matter what. ISB's are part of life and the best way to deal with them is to succeed...especially against all odds.

Smiling and waiting for more good to happen!

Happy Friday!

Enemies on Facebook

I have many people on facebook and unlike many folks - I know 98% of my "friends" on facebook. Most people I met through work. Of the 98%, 10% are sworn enemies - defined as people who have done something to hurt me. When you work in the entertainment industry, you are bound to inadvertently step on toes. Not everyone will like you for whatever reason. I've lasted as long as I have because I don't care what people think about me anymore and being in entertainment, friendships are fluid.

Why allow enemies on your facebook page, you ask? Many reasons! Forgiveness is one. Not how it's described in the bible, though. Never forget what someone has done to you because there is a 75% chance they will do it again if given an opportunity. We all must continue to live our lives and cannot allow someone's temporary (because once they feel they've gotten what they wanted and the stress level decreases they are in a better mood) mood (brought on be a plethora of things, insecurity being number one) steal our joy and crush our dreams. Keep going and it is almost a certainty that your paths will cross again. When they do, smile. Holding onto the hurt, anger, and disappointment is not worth it.

So, allow an enemy to be a facebook friend. Just never forget what they've done to you. In some cases, hurts can be healed and forgiven.

Same old thing

Being a writer and working a fulltime job that has nothing to do with writing has become more and more of a challenge these days. I've been a temp for eight years now and I admit it's getting old. I've seen and done more things as a temp than many have done as a permanent employee yet, I hang on week to week.

This year is gonna be different. Of course I say that every year and each year is basically the same. The difference? I have four solid show ideas and amazingly am working on all of them. In the past my focus was just on the one. My first show has changed so much that I don't even recognize it anymore! All four shows are different, which is why I can write on all of them at the same time.

Another difference is that I experienced real love for the first time! Sounds exciting but wait...there's an unhappy ending. I know some of you say, "oh that's what love is about." I disagree. Love is not about heartbreak but of two souls coming together sharing their life experiences up to now.

Another difference is also I've begun this year with a solid grasp of where I am going. I've decided to make solid decisions instead of fluid one that never come to pass because they blend into the mundane everyday survival mode. This year I will think outside of the box and quite simply stop worrying. The past eight years has been all about worrying, especially about things I cannot control.


This year I will:

- Become a fulltime paid television writer.
- Complete and pitch all four of my pilots.
- Get a literary agent.
- Find love (or it will find me) from someone who isn't emotionally deficient.
- Nurture and cherish all of my friendships.
- Move on with my life and be happy no matter what!

Let the excitement begin!

I don't know about other writers but for me, my inspiration comes at the oddest and sometimes inconvenient times! My latest epiphany came this morning at 4 o'clock. If this were a weekend it would be no problem but because I have a full forty and have to be at work by 9, it made getting up at six and out the door by 630 a little challenging.

Most people know I write in the mornings before work at my local Starbucks. This morning was no different with the exception of "inspiration overload!" I was working on TWO pilots, now with this mornings brilliance, I am now working on THREE! I usually like to finish what I start before starting something else but then I thought about it, I usually read more than one book at a time why not write more than one thing at a time?

I'm super excited! After a relaxingly rough weekend this excitement couldn't have come at a better time! I wonder what 4am tomorrow will offer?

Have an exceedingly exciting day!

Working on a new Pilot...

Although I am still working on my first pilot, I have started developing characters for my second pilot. I like to pride myself with being innovative and a responsible writer. Sure, anyone can write stuff for human consumption; I try to write something that will leave you guessing or make you think. It seems these days, that's what's missing in television and in life period. We don't use our brains enough. Instant gratification is the ticket. Rush to the end to find out who the killer is and maybe learn a bit why the killer killed. Do people really get that lesson or is it the end results their after?

Love at first sight or nothing else?

So I was sort of seeing this guy for the past six months or so and something just wasn't right. He wouldn't fully commit to the relationship. Finally he came clean and simply said "I don't have the same feelings for you that you have for me."

All of us have been there and that led me thinking about relationships. This person was hurt before and if the stars didn't align just right there was no hope. I've seen that when men get hurt the first few times, they tend to hold all future relationships or potential relationships responsible for their past hurts. Women on the other hand seem to be more forgiving. They will let a man cheat on them and still take them back.

Okay, before you all get your feathers ruffled...I'm generalizing and I know that ALL men are not horrible, neither are ALL women desperate.

Does love at first sight have to happen before you acquire feelings for another person? I admit that at first glance, he was nothing I would ever seek out. He's older, damaged, of average intellect and a wide range of things that would normally send me walking on a different path. But then we started handing out, having conversation and laughing together. It turns out his exterior may not have been what I sought, but internally - mentally he was damn near perfect.

I am no prize, but then again, I'm in no contest. I think people should only live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is and not try being psychic and need to know where a relationship is going. You may just be surprised where things can go when you live in the moment.

Questions:

Does love at first sight have to be present in order to have a good relationship?

Should people hold future relationships accountable for their past mistakes?

Does lightning strike in the same place more than once?

Have we moved into the age where just like technology, if you don't get it right off the bat, you give up? what happened to getting/growing to know someone entirely before passing judgement?

Why do men give up so easily?

Why do women keep trying?

Someone once said...

Someone once said to me "I don't look forward to spending time with you..." it's funny how certain life moments stay with you long after the event has passed. When I was a child, I was told that I was ugly yet as an adult many people compliment my beauty.

I've studied human behavior for a very long time. And I know that all words and actions stem from something and are meant to DO something. In my quiet calm moments, past hurts come in to remind me that I am not perfect and to look at my situation at this moment. It's amazing how it focuses on what I don't have or haven't accomplished. Usually, I disregard the old programming, past hurts and find something positive to think about myself in order to stop the recording. Why is it when things are going well or not going bad, old hurts sneak in to ruin the mood?

I am a single black woman who, for all intents and purposes has never experienced love (not in the sense where it is mutual). To some that is shocking since it appears I have many friends. Facebook has created the illusion and delusion of "friends" therefore supposedly raising my own self importance. Ha! Let me clarify, I have love - my wonderful family and until recently, the love I received from my dogs (yes, I still believe dogs are better than people).

Theoretically, I understood the concept of love for someone who is not family or a dog. I understood that it would be a give and take undertaking. Sure, I was capable of sharing whilst in the sandbox as a child but what does it mean to love someone unconditionally and share without expectation (yeah, I know I repeated myself)?

In my quiet moments when my thoughts don't go to past wrongs, I think about how people treat each other. In public, I observe all type of relationships then creatively make up the back story in my mind. I like doing that - it's called the "creative process." I wonder how many times I am right but most of the time never utter a word to anyone.

What do you do to erase the old programming but not lose the lesson?

Stay awesome.

Goodbye 2012

I tried posting this for the past two days but the system was down. Here is what I posted on Facebook.

2012 What a year it was for me. It had it's ups and downs and for me, sadly mostly down but I managed to make it through. Most of you already know I lost my last dog Max in November and I miss him everyday. I lost my friend and hairapist Pamula James last week. We were able to have one last session the Saturday before.

Oliver Bernshausen, my friend and the one guy in the world who understood me and loved me unconditionally died in July.

Thank you Dobie Gillis, Robin Baker and Jim Chadwick for helping me clear out Oliver's house.

Both Oliver and Pam were 44. If knowing both of them has taught me anything about life is to go out and LIVE it! Go after your dreams and take a chance on love.

Some of you know, I did fall in love last year as well. What most of you don't know was it was my very first time! For once I wasn't selfish with my heart. I was willing to learn and grow with another person. Sadly, that ended too. Love doesn't work when the other person doesn't love you back.

Then there's my writing. After working on it for a few years now, I finally thought I was making a name for myself. I got in and pitched my show to a studio. Since I don't really have an agent to get in and follow up and fight for me (while I'm temping to make ends meet), my project was, or rather the title and the theme of my project was taken. I'd like to thank Nancy Hamilton, Nan Diacovo, Chrissy Thompson, Barb Becka, Robin Roccaro Damski and Candace L. Punch for reading my pilot over and over without complaining. I thank them for keeping me motivated when II felt none.

Let's not forget the struggles I had at the beginning of the year. All I can say is being sued...twice is not a pleasant experience. Mind you it wasn't for something I did, it was for something I didn't do. Happily, all of the is behind me and I ended up whole and on top.

Many wonder why I haven't had much to say lately on Facebook, or anywhere else, I figure if you have nothing nice to post, then why post?

My health is good and so is my immediate family. I miss Mary very much. She was always able to talk me "off the bridge" and trust me, last year was a doozie.

My sister, Jelahn Stewart is my best friend in the world. As time passes (I don't want too admit I'm getting older), I find her wisdom, love and laughter to be something I cannot do without. I love you dear sister.

2013 will be a better year for me personally. As Joel would say, "I've come through the fire and all that fire did was burn the binds that kept me from the promise."

This year I would like to make real friends AND to be a real friend to others.