What a Week!

I have not disappeared from the face of the earth, I am here hanging on to the last ounce of hope I can muster up. Let's start with what has happened recently:

1. Last Thursday I came up with what I thought was a great idea for a movie or a tv pilot. It came to me by my grandmother in a dream. I immediately wrote it down and sent it to my agent. It's been a week and I have yet to hear from her. I feel she may have given up on me, like the rest of the world, even like God, I hate to even admit that but this struggle I am going through and continue to hope for it to end, has lasted for a while - more specifically since Warner Bros. laid me off February 5, 2005. I have not been able to recover financially, I have not been able to experience true happiness and I have not been able to live debt-free. Oh how I miss that time where I wasn't scrounging for food and I could buy whatever I wanted and not worried about anything. Yes, I do feel like I am being continuously punished. Warner Bros. didn't have to lay me off. It was strictly political and I only have myself to blame. I can no longer blame the jealous bitches Carrie Frymer and Maye Lebby for my demise. If I would have only kissed their asses and pretended I was their slave - moi a slave to other assistants? At any rate, what is done is done and my voice has been silenced to that matter. KARMA.

2. Lack of funds - nothing really needs to be said here. I am doing all that I can that is legal to make things right. I am failing miserably.

3. Am I really a talented writer or not? I have people who love what I have to say and read the stories I tell, but I guess it is the important people who must like what I write. But wait, aren't my friends the important people?

4. Mary - Mary is in the hospital and I spoke with her yesterday. She is sounding well and I hope they will be able to fix what is wrong with her. I would love it if she were around and healthy until 100! If these are her last days, it saddens me because I no longer have the credit or money to fly back to Chicago to see her. I don't have money to put gas in my car or food in the refrigerator! God, why have I (a very nice person to all) fallen so far from grace?

5. The matter of the heart - there is no matter so I must not have a heart. Sure I know a ton of people but not one would want to have a loving relationship with me. I am a creative thinker. I question, I ask, I try, I fail and I succeed. I do? Even when I try (John), I am ignored - nice strike for my ego. It's like people think that I will want more than they have to give. They don't even give me a chance. Me letting go quickly doesn't help either.

6. Sherice. Losing friendships always bother me. She and I have had an acquaintance friendship for many years. She was the friend I could always rely on to go out and do spur of the moment things. I look back on our friendship and believe we were never really close. I guess in the beginning I shared something from my heart with her and she judged it - QUICKLY! Since then, I shut down and never really had deep conversations with her or shared anything that could be judged. I found myself just agreeing with her in order to get through the moment. That is not a friendship. So there is no reason to feel sad, but I do feel the loss. It's time to clean house and get rid of the people who suck the energy out of you and no longer matter in your life. It's a new season.

7. Temping. Ugh. I absolutely hate it but it is the only way I am making any money right now.

8. Gerald. Funny how people fall out of your life when they get money. He was afraid I was going to ask for his help. We are not that kind of friend and now we are not friends at all.

9. Boston University. They dropped me. No explanation, no nothing. I guess the job you have really does effect people's perception of your intellect. Funny how it didn't matter when they wanted my money and now that I have been educated by them and not giving them money - my day-to-day job does matter.

10. Gastric Bypass and Heartburn. On Saturday I thought I was having a heart attack! Now that I look back at the chain of events - I hadn't eaten much that day (I had no food and not gone grocery shopping yet). I MUST eat something every two hours. I had the opportunity to have food at my neighbors house that evening because they were having a party. So sad and pathetic that I have to find food that way. At any rate, the food I ate hit me like a ton on bricks because of not eating meals that day. Tell me again when this struggle is going to end?

11. Tons of people. I know tons of people, not one of them will help me find a job. Half of them know I have outgrown the role of slave secretary but without executive experience and the forever temping and the lack of nurturing the relationship; they cannot (or will not) help me. The other half - who knows. What am I, psychic?

That's all for now. I've got to get ready for my TEMP job!