Angela's Ashes

Maybe it was divine intervention, but I needed to see this movie. I guess at the very least it took me away from my problems for the duration of the film. In my hard times, I admit I often asked God, "why me?" I quietly analyze the main characters, looking for an ounce of hope or understanding. That is so silly. I look for hope when I feel I have none. I've been good, I've held out hope, I pray, I've even asked for help. I think, "my life isn't as bad as Frankie McCourt." Actually, maybe it is? I'm about half way through the movie. I am quickly reminded that I am scrapping by, deciding whether or not to spend this weeks $20 on food or gas since I can't do both. Wondering which creditor to pay on time or a week late, or wondering if I will get a new assignment when this one ends next week. I decided to take my chance at the grocery store. I hoped there would be good sales on decent food instead of junk (which is cheaper than the food that is good for you). Today was my lucky day, Ralphs had a sale on decent food and I spent $17.47 leaving me with $2.53 for the week. The price of gas is $2.99 a gallon. I guess I will be staying home this weekend.

That's ok. Surely my hut can't stay on fire for much longer, right? Surely something great will happen for me this week, right?

I can relate to going hungry. I think about the daily struggles I face, and I laugh because no one knows. I play a game with myself and try to hide my hunger and my shame. To think this all started because two women felt threatened by my self confidence. Looking back, I would of course done things differently, maybe I should have kissed ass and laid low.

There is nothing I can do about it now. I still have hope, God. I am not giving up but I do think I will cry today.

Angela's Ashes..thanks for reminding me just how bad things can get. I pray they won't.