Monday, December 28, 2020

Peloton Changed My Life During COVID-19

My Bike was delivered on 2/1/20. It was the best decision I've made all year and the best investment in me! I've always wanted one but the price kept me away. Back in January, things were finally going well for me. I'd just gotten back from a lovely trip with my family and I had steady work. It would be a sacrifice financially but I ordered it on January 24th.

And this is what I've accomplished:


Yes, that's right. 206 rides!!

I am proud of myself and I've got a small group of followers watching my progress. A few have even taken the plunge and purchased the bike after seeing how much fun I'm having.

Let me back up - FUN. This type of fun is hard work. A lot of sweat and yelling along with a ton of HILLS!

I did it and continue to do it. It was the best investment in myself I've made this year.

#onepeloton @onepeloton




Saturday, June 20, 2020

Being Visible In Hollywood

I’m a writer. I’ve been writing since high school with my own column in the school newspaper “Ask Lisa.”  All of my life, I’ve had a passion for the law and federal law enforcement from  the complexities of the criminal justice system and its ever reaching arm into society to policy change and reform. My passions have led me on very interesting and unusual journeys. One journey was as an intern in two prisons using research and analytical methods by conducting interviews with prisoners.  Another journey had me assisting in an autopsy on a murder victim which lead to what I thought was the last leg of my journey, admission into the FBI Academy to become a behavior profiler. I attended Boston University and received my Master’s in Criminal Justice and wrote a white paper about the body part trade scandal at UCLA. You’d think that’d be enough to get me a staff writer job on any procedural television show in Hollywood. Nope. Not yet. Not quite. First, they have to see me.

How I started…

I started in entertainment as a celebrity personal assistant. One day I went to Hermes to pick up my boss’ dress for the Oscars. I got to the store and the saleswoman refused to give me her dress. She didn’t believe I worked for the celebrity. She told me to get out of the store. I left, found a pay phone, and called the celebrity. Not five minutes later, the store manager came out and asked me to come back in. He profusely apologized, handed me the dress, and then had the salesperson apologize to me.. He then told the salesperson to gather her things and she was fired on the spot. The manager came back to me and told me to select one item from the store. The whole ordeal was enough so my head wasn’t into shopping at that moment, so I asked for a Hermes garment bag. I still have that bag to this day.

Meeting with a showrunner

I recently had an informational video meeting with a showrunner of a major network television show. In an informational meeting you hope that the showrunner will like you and consider hiring you for a staffing writing job on their show. When I got the opportunity to meet with the showrunner, I was excited and never thought the meeting would result in questioning my skills and how I thought about myself.   
During our thirty minute call, the show runner was so impressed with me that by the end of our conversation he apologized. “For what?,” I thought to myself. He apologized because he had literally just hired two writers for his show. And if he hadn’t hired them, there would have been room for me. In his after meeting email to me he wrote, “With all these credits and your impressive background, how you haven’t been scooped up on a show by now is insane.” If he would have known about me a week ago, I could have had the opportunity. He would have hired me based on my experiences alone. This conversation reminded me to continue to believe in and fight for myself. I’ve had a few informational meetings but haven’t been staffed yet. Nonetheless, I continue to forge ahead. I’ve written 4 pilots and am working on a fifth.

Being visible…

Why did I share this? I don’t know. I guess I wanted you to know about the lack of visibility for black writers in Hollywood. Being visible is a major wall—one that I’ve been trying to climb or break through for the past 12 years. When do I give up? Will the dream ever become a reality?
Lisa Stewart
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Lisa Stewart
Lisa R. Stewart is a TV writer who has a Master’s degree in Criminal Justice from Boston University and a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Criminal Justice from Arizona State University. She’s completed 4 pilots and is working on her fifth. A Chicago native, she currently resides in Los Angeles.
 



https://blacktvfilmcrew.com/news/in-my-view-being-visible-in-hollywood-by-lisa-r-stewart/


Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Visibility in Hollywood


I started in entertainment as a celebrity personal assistant. I went to Hermes to pick up her dress for the Oscars. I got to the store and the saleswoman refused to give me her dress. She didn't believe I worked for the celebrity. She told me to get out of the store. I left, found a pay phone, called the celebrity. Not five minutes later, the store manager came out and asked me to come back in. He profusely apologized, handed me the dress, then had the salesperson apologize to me. He then told the salesperson to gather her things and she was fired on the spot. The manager then told me to select one item from the store. They didn't have anything I liked so I asked for a Hermes garment bag. I still have that bag to this day.

On Monday I had an informational with a showrunner. He was so impressed with me and told me that he had literally last week hired two writers for the show. In his email to me yesterday, "With all these credits and your impressive background, how you haven't been scooped up on a show by now is insane." If he would have known about me a week ago, I could have had the opportunity. He would have hired me based on my experiences alone.

Why did I share this? I don't know. I guess I wanted you to know that the lack of visibility opportunities, even though I know a lot of people, is a major wall; one that I've been trying to climb or break for the past 12 years.

When do I give up? Will the dream ever become a reality?


Black filmmakers and executives get honest about their experiences in Hollywood

A photo grid of 23 entertainment industry leaders interviewed about George Floyd, race and Hollywood
Filmmakers and entertainment industry professionals interviewed about George Floyd, race and Hollywood. Top, from left: Robin Thede, Will Packer, Melina Matsoukas, Jelani Johnson, Ava DuVernay, John Ridley, Deirdra Govan and Jermaine Johnson. Middle row: George Tillman Jr., Cynthia Erivo, Tendo Nagenda, Jeff Clanagan, Lorrie Bartlett, Datari Turner and Ashley Holland. Bottom: Lena Waithe, Rob Edwards, Tina Perry, Brandon Lawrence, Kasi Lemmons, DeVon Franklin, Nina Shaw and Darrell D. Miller.
(Los Angeles Times; Gillian; MACRO Management; Deirdra Govan; Nick Branch Photography; George Tillman Jr.; Tendo Nagenda; Datari Turner; WME; AMPAS; Tina Perry; CAA; Greg Gorman; Getty Images; DSMTFL; Darrell D. Miller.)

After George Floyd’s killing in the custody of Minneapolis police last month, Hollywood entertainment companies sent out a flurry of statements supporting the Black Lives Matter movement’s fight against police brutality and systemic racism.

Studios, music labels and streaming services promised donations to antiracist nonprofits and declared their commitment to diversity. Internal memos called for reflection on the industry’s poor record of inclusion and diversity.

Still, the entertainment industry’s long history of failures when it comes to race continues to weigh on the minds of many of the Black filmmakers, executives and others interviewed by The Times. Many note the stark absence of Black executives in studios’ ranks. The Writers Guild of America West’s Committee of Black Writers on Friday published an open letter to studios demanding that actions follow words.

The Times interviewed nearly two dozen Black entertainment industry professionals, spanning directors, producers, writers, designers, agents and executives. They discussed systemic racism in Hollywood, what needs to change and their frustration with years of talk and little action.

“This conversation needed to happen for a long time about racism and race in our industry,” said Cynthia Erivo, the actor, singer and songwriter who was nominated for two Oscars for 2019’s “Harriet.” “It feels like for the first time people are listening.”

How the attention to racism and police brutality is challenging Hollywood


Will Packer, producer, “Girls Trip,” “Night School”: I, like many people in the business, have been contacted by my white colleagues and peers, reaching out to say, “Where do we go from here?” I welcome that. We’ve been here and felt this before. For many of us, it’s a generational anger and a generational exhaustion. But at the same time, there is something different this time. I didn’t get this volume of calls around Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown or Eric Garner.

Ava DuVernay, director, “When They See Us,” “Selma”: You have certain people who are really reaching in, in a way that’s active and progressive, and you have folks that are going through the motions. And in this moment, there are no more motions. That kind of empty exercise is being duly noted by me and others.

Kasi Lemmonsdirector, writer, “Harriet,” “Eve’s Bayou”: I’ve had some time to think about these diversity reports that came out last year. Looking back 12 to 13 years, the numbers are so bleak especially in terms of what I am doing: writing and directing — and especially for directors of color and underrepresented women, they made less than 1% of the studio movies. That gave me pause. Because you expect or hope what seems obvious in an industry that deals with aspirations and inspiration, it feels like a perfect place for us to be our better selves.

DeVon Franklin, chief executive, Franklin Entertainment: How can what happened to Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, or so many other countless Black men and women who’ve lost their lives, happen? Because there’s a dehumanization. That dehumanization is by no means completely at the doorstep of Hollywood. However, when you see the persistent images that Hollywood portrays of Black men and women in demeaning positions, being violent and so forth, it contributes to the dehumanization.

What actions can create meaningful change in the entertainment industry?


Darrell D. Miller, lawyer, entertainment department Chair, Fox Rothschild: What Hollywood can do, I think, is to actually act upon some of the changes that have literally been talked about for years: Bring more images, more voices, more talent, more producers in the rooms to create content more representative of our society.

John Ridley, screenwriter, “12 Years a Slave”: This is not charity, it’s not do-good work. These are amazing individuals. The talent is here, the will is here, the moment is definitely here, and I just get tired when people of good hearts and right minds say, “I’m going to donate.” But what are you doing? In terms of staffing showrunners, did you even interview a person of color for that position, or did you hire them because they were someone’s friend?

Lorrie Bartlett, co-head of talent department, partner and board member, ICM Partners: First of all, it’s [about] educating people and shining a light on unconscious bias, antiracism and antihate. It’s not enough to say, “Oh, but I’m not a racist.” There needs to be a real sense of understanding, by omission and silence contributing to a problem that exists. That is the first step.

Nina Shaw, a founding partner of Del Shaw Moonves Tanaka Finkelstein & Lezcano: There are lots of people asking me what I think they should do. My response is the same: You, as white people, should speak to each other. I want you to take ownership, I don’t want you to ask me what you should do. It’s always the same: Treat it like it really mattered to you. Every bonus now should be based on how diversity has been achieved.

Ashley Holland, agent, WME: Clients can demand this type of representation incorporated into their teams. If a powerful actor or director has someone trying to sign you, you can say you’re not interested in signing if there’s not a Black or brown person or woman on the team. If clients don’t make these kinds of demands, people don’t think it’s required.

Jeff Clanagan, chief executive, Codeblack Films: You can recruit at certain colleges. Try recruiting at the HBCUs (historically Black colleges and universities). This conversation has to stay relevant in the same way that the #MeToo movement stayed relevant.

Melina Matsoukas, director, “Queen & Slim”: I want to make these stories on my sets. But the burden of diversity shouldn’t just be on Black filmmakers, it should be on everyone. Do you ask your white counterparts to open their sets and demand that they hire people of color on sets or the writers room? Is that happening?

The problem of white gatekeepers


Robin Thede, creator and star, “A Black Lady Sketch Show”: We don’t want a handout, we want to do the work. There’s a reason why you have an Ava DuVernay and an Issa Rae and a Lena Waithe, who are performing at a super high level. These people have worked their asses off. So no one is asking for the studios to just greenlight everything Black. That’s going to be awful. We want to be vetted just like everyone else. The problem is, Hollywood doesn’t see us.

Lemmons: I have witnessed people overlooking young Black people, just not seeing them. If there’s not a Black person in the room, or a women or indigenous person, are they seeing talent? Or are they seeing talent that looks like them?

Ridley: There are times when you have to explain to people in the room who are not of color why is it important that this goes into the story or that it be told this way.

Rob Edwards, screenwriter, “The Princess and the Frog,” “Treasure Planet”: Hollywood is a grim microcosm of larger society. I’ve been in this industry for 35 years. I’m not getting meetings to write a white project. I’m only called in to write about a sharecropper or a black baseball player. My dad’s a doctor. I share very little with that sharecropper experience, but I fear I’ll never be able to write about my own experiences because it never registers on any list of accepted Black narratives.

Datari Turner, independent film producer, “Uncorked”: We had a Black president of the United States before we had a Black person running a major studio in Hollywood. Tyler Perry has built an incredible business, an inspiring, big studio, but he still has to go through Viacom and Lionsgate to distribute his movies and TV that are run by white people. You have to have Black people run a studio. If we had a Black person running a studio, they would make more movies according to their tastes and how they grew up.

Profiling in the industry


Miller: I went to my first Vanity Fair Oscar party, and after going through five checkpoints I walked in and finally got to the door, and I was told the chauffeurs are around the corner. I’ve come to Hollywood and I’m at the top of my game. But I haven’t escaped the external reality.

Deirdra Govan, costume designer: I went into a high-end store, I was shopping for an A-list celebrity for a studio show. We had an account with the store. I spent $50,000, but from start to finish I was profiled and questioned. When I went to pick up the clothes, I was sequestered by security with the receipt in my hand. It was humiliating. The celebrity called the president of the store to say how inappropriate the behavior was.

Lena Waithe, creator, “The Chi”; writer, “Queen & Slim”: In our workplace, we’ve got to be nice to people, we’ve got to have dinner with them and sit next to them at premieres, you know what I’m saying? It is a truly traumatic thing for a lot of Black artists because you’re constantly having to rub shoulders with your oppressors.

The burden on Black executives and creators

Thede: The burden on Black people right now is to not only continue to fight the good fight, but also to educate people who want to join the movement. It’s a good thing, but it adds to the level of exhaustion. That’s why there was that moment of, “Check in on your Black friends.”

Jermaine Johnson, manager 3 Arts Entertainment: I do think that people, especially white people in positions of power, need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable; it is monumentally important to the change we need to make. At the top, so long as equality feels like oppression, then we need a reality check for ourselves.

Packer: I have to be successful, I’ve got to make sure I do my Kevin Hart comedies, I’ve got to make sure I’m respected and maintain relationships, and I also have to try to use my position and my power to tell stories that otherwise no one else would tell. If I don’t do any one of those well, I might be hurting the next Will Packer that comes through.

George Tillman Jr., director, “The Hate U Give”: When I go to pitch at different studios, if you have an African American lead, you’re going to get less money. You’ve got to jump up and down to convince them that this is something that’s universal.

The problem of how police are portrayed


Turner: Hollywood creates imagery for the world. Look on social media; you will see comments that 99% of cops are good, the majority cops do not do this. … A lot of this is because Hollywood has made more cop shows in the last 60 years than any other genre of film. “NCIS,” “Law & Order,” “SWAT,” the list goes on and on. The cops are always portrayed as heroes.

Jermaine Johnson: As long as they get the man, it doesn’t matter what civil rights they trample along the way. It’s always a point of frustration for me. Turn on any procedural and see that they cut corners, break rules, but as long as they get a guilty verdict it doesn’t matter how many people they interrogated illegally.

Jelani Johnson, partner, Macro Management: On some level Hollywood has always acknowledged the corrupt nature of police. Films like “Serpico,” “The Departed” and “Training Day” show how police can be corrupt but, always offer a “good cop” as a positive counterpart to the bad ones. Inversely, if you look at the relationship that black writers and directors have with police, you’ll find a much different story; a story more reflective of our community’s true relationship with the police.

Telling authentic stories

Tillman: The first scene in [“The Hate U Give”] is a scene I experienced when I was a kid growing up in the late ‘70s, where my parents and relatives were always telling me, “How do you conduct yourself around a police officer, how do you conduct yourself when you’re out of your neighborhoods?” That’s something my father was taught, he was teaching me in the ‘70s and ‘80s, and I’m teaching my son in 2020.

Waithe: “Queen & Slim,” for obvious reasons, feels extremely relevant right now. But the truth is, it was relevant then, and it was relevant 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 100 years ago. We’re artists who are showing you what it is like for a Black person to encounter a police officer, and oftentimes, it can end in death.

How to fix Hollywood’s pipeline problem? Do diversity programs help?


Tina Perry, president, OWN: I think it starts even earlier, with figuring out how to tell high school students what this industry is, what opportunities exist and the types of jobs that are available. I’ve had interns come to us from L.A. and South L.A., and they didn’t know all the potential ways they could work in the industry. There’s something about the exposure at an early age that’s really important.

Franklin: No studio would outsource their film slate to human resources. So the idea that most diversity initiatives are run through human resource departments is one of the reasons why they don’t work.

Jermaine Johnson: At a very basic level ... we need to pay interns. People of color can’t afford to do unpaid internships. I applaud some diversity programs for their aspirations, but there’s tokenism in them. Sometimes they are just press releases on how they are performing diversity. If you are doing it right, you don’t need to tell us every six months.

Tendo Nagenda, vice president, original film, Netflix: If you’re someone who’s college educated, you’ve probably gone into a lot of debt, so if you’re someone making $30,000, $25,000 a year working 80 hours a week, it’s not really a sustainable thing, especially if you’re coming from a family with financial hardship. I amassed an extreme amount of debt to invest in my career in the hopes that at the end of the rainbow, I would be able to pay it off.

Holland: I was the beneficiary of the 1.0 version of agency calls to address diversity. I was an intern during the second class at CAA when they switched over from friends’ [kids] as interns to a mechanism for recruiting and 50% had to be diverse. I’m the product of [diversity and inclusion] initiatives. Does that mean everyone is getting everything right? No.

Final thoughts


DuVernay: What I’ve found is the folks on the ground doing the work are not getting the influx of money from studios, networks and agencies, because those checks are going to the [high profile, legacy social justice organizations] you know. That tells me it’s performative. Performance doesn’t fix systems and structures. I don’t think it’s coming from a place of malice, it’s coming from a place of ignorance. People just don’t know what to do.

Erivo: The work people are doing right now happening across the world is kind of incredible for me. It’s really heartening because I don’t think we can effect the change needed if it’s not happening the world over. Again, the more we speak about this, the more stories we can tell, the more people can’t deny it’s happening.

Brandon Lawrence, agent, Creative Artists Agency: Going back to the prior days when we were taking it on the chin, frankly that is not going to fly anymore with executives in this business and beyond entertainment. People are tired of having to justify culture in the context of making money. When I think about America, I think culture is one of the biggest exports and Black culture is at the epicenter. It’s smart business to include Black people in the decision-making process.

Matsoukas: Racism in Hollywood is a pandemic born from over a century of erasure, segregation, white nepotism, redlining, the rewriting of history and pushing false narratives, cultural looting, and ostracism. The only way forward is to dismantle these practices within these institutions in an effort to bring true diversity to the entertainment and media industry.


Monday, February 26, 2018

I Pitched My TV Show to God and...

He said, "I'm Listening.  Keep talking.  Keep trying.  Be patient.  I'm making a way."

Why is it when you're down, people take that opportunity to crap on you instead of lifting you up?

Be still and know that I am God.


Monday, February 12, 2018

Outside Looking In: Living on the Fringe of a Promise

Everyone has a purpose in life.  Sometimes it takes an entire lifetime to figure out what it is and like some, that purpose is evident the day they were born.

I've been writing all of my life for myself.  I was a shy child that turned into a vocal teenager that transformed into a strong purposeful adult.

Facebook has allowed me to reach out to those outside of my purview and reconnect with those who knew me as that shy child or vocal teenager.

I am at the stage in my life where purpose and promise must meet.  I can feel it.  I can see it.  I am living it but not fully.

I started writing at the advice of my teachers in school.  At nine years old, I had experienced so much life and they felt I should share that experience and newly found knowledge with the rest of the class; just stop talking during class!

I was shy but vocal when needed.  I'm still that way.  I put great thought into my words and reflect on my actions and possible outcomes.  I like to know the ending before I begin.  That is not always possible.

Everyday I write, I am fulfilling the promise.


 

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Remembering my Father

Today I cried like a baby watching the movie "Taking Chance."  I've seen that movie a dozen times and there is one scene that gets me crying every single time - it is when they are driving PFC Phelps body to the funeral home.  As a truck passes the SUV, the truck driver removes his hat and turns on his headlights.  Then cars that follow the SUV one by one slow down and turn on their headlights.

Why I cry?

1. It is the Universal time where EVERYONE shows respect to someone they don't know without question.
2. It reminds me of the day of my father's funeral.  Although I was just a child, the memory of me being an observer, watching everyone follow the limousine in their cars with the headlights on.  His funeral procession was miles long. Once inside the funeral home, people came from everywhere to give their condolences.  I remember it was standing room only.  I remember being brave and not crying, mainly because I was still numb.  I had just seen him in the nursing home days before and we thought he was getting better.  I remember once we were at the gravesite, it began to rain. 

When I got home, I wrote my first poem "When it rains, a funeral is going on."  Miss Dora gave me an "A."  She, Mr. Latman, and Mr. Osada encouraged me to write,  they all agreed that I had something to say, probably because I was always talking in class!

I miss my father everyday.  I often wonder if he is proud of me even though I've done nothing with my life.  I never married.  I never had children.  I never had a career.  Somehow, I believe my father would love me no matter.  He was a great guy.

I miss you JBS.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Two Lies, Two Friends, Two Days

As a writer, it's difficult to stay out of your own head.  It is for me because I am always there.  So from time to time I will reach out to friends to get away from the endless loop running in my mind.

I reached out to a "friend" just wanting to be apart of society and she shut me down!  It's not as dramatic as it sounds.  Her excuse for not wanting me to attend her super bowl party was that it was only for "family."

I spent all day Saturday working on my latest pilot.  I felt I was making some headway because the flow was continuous, an unending stream of scenes and plots hitting the page.  At the end of the day I sent it to a "friend" as she wanted to read it.  Twenty minutes later, she said it was really good and I had improved.

Friend one didn't want me to attend because my ex was going to be there.  That's the thing about friendships gained while dating someone.  The friends are placed in an awkward position when the relationship ends.  I would rather the friend tell me that "Jim's going to be there and I don't think it's a good idea for you to come."  I would rather hear that than a lie.

Friend two read the first two pages and said that she liked the fact that I wove historical speeches in my story.  That would have been a solid comment if I hadn't already done that before in the last 40 drafts!

Two Lies, Two Friends, Two Days.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Outside Looking In

Working on my pilot while keeping tabs on the people I know who are doing well.  Most days their success motivates me even more to stick with my own dreams of one day joining the two exclusive clubs.  Today, while watching The Chi, I found an email correspondence between Ms. Waithe and I from 2016.  It hit hard with the realization of how long and how hard I've worked to make it in this industry, to be no closer than I was ten years ago.  I look back at the many distractions that have happened that needed to be dealt with at the time.  I cannot blame life for happening and I almost pat myself on the back for getting through it.

As I see those I know personally make it in the room, I realize their struggles were the same as mine.  If they made it through, then I know I can.  I keep asking myself the same questions, who helped them get to where they are and who will help me?  Maybe I need to ask different questions and move on with my life?

Today is not the day to give up on my dreams but I will do this, wake up and make my dreams a reality.  I keep writing. 

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Girls Trip, a Reminder of What Never Was

I saw the movie last night and I loved it, yet it left me sad.  Sure it was funny.  I loved the cast, the jokes, and even the location.

 So why so sad?

I don't have close friendships like that.  I went to, at that time a predominately white college (Arizona State University) and the few black folks there were very standoffish and mean.  I was born and raised in Chicago.  I grew up with all types of people living on the south side in Hyde Park.  I had several friends and quite a few black girlfriends.

Once I went to college, everything changed.  I learned to be alone.  The few black men there were all into white women.  I struggled to find myself, so I put everything I had into school and making money.  I had five jobs in school.  I was in debt because I spent money in the hopes that would attract the friendships I lacked.  Many of the women I was around all came from rich families.  For the most part they ended up at ASU because their grades, nor their parent's money would get them anywhere else.  I tried to keep up with them.

I joined the black student union.  I attended one meeting.  Not one person spoke to me.  I even tried to join the only black sorority (at the time they weren't housed on campus or sorority row - hence all white school, all white rules.) and I didn't have a car.  I walked around moving from clique to clique waiting for a chance to connect.  That connection never came.

I was a swimmer.  I was the only black swimmer on the ASU team (male and female).  I only hung out with the athletes including the football players.  I endured the endless jokes from the coach about me getting a tan, watermelon and fried chicken.  I was young and alone, so I laughed them off and went on my way.  After a year, the loneliness and the jokes took its toll on me and I quit.  My grades slipped and I became more and more detached from any resemblance of community.  The black men hated me and the white men only wanted to sleep with me.

I graduated and moved to Los Angeles hoping to find friendships like I had in Chicago.  Here I am twenty years later and I still don't have those friendships.  I gave up years ago.  I find comfort in being an individual yet I get angry at myself for not trying harder to trust and allow people in my closed world.

Maybe a friendship like theirs in the movie could still happen for me.  Somewhere in my being I still have hope.  Lord knows I love to have a good time and laugh.  #FlossyPosse #GirlsTrip

Monday, July 24, 2017

The 5 Year Break Up

Why is it so hard to let go of a relationship?  Granted this last one was indeed different.  One would think I actually fell in love with this one.  Did I fall in love or did I fall in love with the idea of it?  Then you come to your senses and realize love was never there in the first place.  It was a meaningless waste of emotion.

This will be the last time I writer about it as five years is a long enough amount of time to long for someone.  Maybe it wasn't a longing but a sense of familiarity and laziness.  The dating landscape is rife with deceit.  Older guys trying to recapture a youth long gone and younger guys looking for game points on their leaderboards.  It really makes one not want to be bothered.  I find I spend most of my time out and about with friends, when I'm not writing of course.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Some things happen that I cannot figure out.  Maybe it's not for me to figure out.  I realize I am a piece of this puzzle called life.  I just want to figure out where my piece fits.  We all have our moments of complete clarity on where and what we're doing here.

Yesterday I prayed for a godless person.  Godless doesn't mean soulless.  I prayed for strength for him entirely.  I hope he finds the person he seeks.  I hope he finds that movie quality love.  I devoted my prayer entirely to him.

Turning the sign on the door.  CLOSED.  I no longer fear the other sign.  OUT OF BUSINESS.  I'm looking forward to it.  I would much rather have the career I want and comfort than opening my heart again.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Today I forgave myself...

Today I forgave myself for loving someone who hated me.  His heart was closed to me.  I couldn't see it.  All I saw was the soul of this person.  Therefore I punished myself.  That was wrong.  I should have forgiven myself and appreciated the experience.  Of course I could think of other experiences I would have rather had.  But as you know we cannot change the past, only our future.

Today I forgave myself for the job I must do in order to survive.  I may not be where I want to be at the moment but I do know I will get there.  No one in this town gets anywhere without help.  My time hasn't passed.  It will come.

Today I forgave myself for not smiling more and I began to smile again.

From this moment I will take it one day at a time to find my joy again and keep it alive.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Making the Switch

I've decided to switch to a plant-based diet.  After a year of workouts, triathlon, and a spartan race, I need to do more.  After all of that work, I didn't lose that much weight.  Today, I'm finally making the switch!  I'm excited and very motivated.

I'm starting to workout again.  I'd love to have a trainer, but I'll settle for a workout partner.  The picture below was taken today (7/15/17).  I can do better.  I think moving to a plant-based diet will help with me loving me more.


Sunday, July 9, 2017

Reasons Why?

Sometimes I, no wait...  I always try to solve this puzzle called life.  I  believe everything, good and bad, happens for a reason.  I am always trying to figure out why, instead of letting the situation  be and allowing things to happen without reason, I try to figure out the lesson to be learned in every moment.  I think in "If Then" statements, knowing full well that I cannot do anything to change the past.  I cannot, nor would I want to.  But I can change my present and slightly alter my future.

For example, IF I would have not placed an ad on a dating site in 2008, THEN I would have never met and gotten to know OLIVER BERNSHAUSEN, a great friend; loyal, trustworthy, and confident to the end.  I would not be missing him on the anniversary of his death, July 10, 2012.  Moments happen.  People come in and out of our lives, some stay longer than others.

At this very moment, I am trying to detach a bond that should have never happened.  In a brief moment of complete weakness, I created and forced a bond.  Now I must break it.  It doesn't nurture my soul.

Do you ever find that certain things keep happening to you and you can't figure out why?  Think about the meaning of insanity, then take a different approach is my first thought.  My second thought is to figure out why.  I've been at my current state four times in my life.  Every time I am taken to the brink of failure then something happens to save me from total destruction but not without much work and clawing my way out to set things right.

Why do I feel the need to always know the reasons why things happen, especially since it is clear I am not learning from my past mistakes (lessons)?

Message for today:  Let it be by letting it go.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Are You A Fringe Friend?

I tend to be a Fringe Friend.  I'm trusted enough to SEE the inner circle but not quite on the invite list.  Yet, I am that person EVERYONE goes to when they NEED something, namely a job or a shoulder to cry on.

Red Mink Stole

Somewhere in my childhood I remember.  It was dark yet it was morning.  Red lights were flashing and my body was whizzing by blurs of bodies standing around, staring.  I wanted very much to see what it was that everyone was looking at.  In that moment, I broke away from the arms that were taking me away.  I rushed over to see  and there it was...

And there it was.  The thing that everyone was looking at. Hanging from the broken driver's side window.

A Red Mink Stole.

Or according to my young eyes, it was an animal that was hit by the car as my mom pulled into the driveway.  It wasn't.  Nothing was as it seemed.

Reality.

It was the WHITE mink stole my mother kept in the closet.  The one I would stroke and wear when she wasn't home.

Bullets shattered the entire driver's side including the window.  The door was opened and there was blood everywhere and hanging from the opened door's window was that formerly white mink stole turned red and filled with holes.

Then I remembered.  It wasn't a mink stole at all.  It was a fur coat filled with bullet holes.

I Thought You'd Be Proud and I Was Wrong

I thought you'd be proud to find that I am the type of woman who has worked hard much of her life to achieve all I have and the things I've done.
I was wrong.

I thought you'd be proud to stand besides me in moments of joy, and behind me when I had to be strong, and in front of me to protect me when I don't have the strength to protect myself.
I was wrong.

I thought you'd be proud to hold me up when my strength wavered.
I was wrong.

I thought you'd be proud of my honestly and complete transparency.
I was wrong.

I though you'd be proud to find someone you could trust and be real with.
I was wrong.

I thought you were the one and I was wrong.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Why so much hate towards Black Women?

Black men don't want us and white men only want to have sex with us.  We are beautiful, smart and strong.  Will somebody be honest and tell me why all the hate please?

Malcolm X said it best:

The most disrespected person in America is the black woman.
The most unprotected person in America is the black woman.
The most neglected person in America is the black woman.

Beyonce brought his speech back to life from her Lemonade album last year.

If I am strong and confident it's misconstrued as angry.  If I am smart, it is being seen as wanting to be white.

Let's have a conversation.

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