Who Says it Doesn't Come Back Around?

Yesterday something happened that both opened my eyes and hurt my heart. You know that deep hurt you feel, when no matter what you do (drink, smoke, apologize) it just won't go away; that is where I'm at this morning. I was told that I was HATED! People didn't like me because I was MEAN! What? A brave FRIEND told me yesterday. Someone met me yesterday and commented to her about how much I've changed and how I am actually very pleasant and nice.

Not a day goes by where I would ask God what I did "what did I do to deserve such a hard and difficult time?" I couldn't understand. I didn't kill anyone and to my knowledge I never purposely hurt anyone. In my mind, I've always been nice and honest with all who encounter me. Haha...ENCOUNTER. That word means to come upon or meet with, especially unexpectedly: to encounter a new situation. Little did I realize that for some, this same word meant a certain fear...to meet me. What? Me? The happy-go-lucky girl with the two dogs who meant the world to her? No, they must be mistaken. My solution, as it has always been is to write about it. For years (since 13) I've kept a private journal about everything I felt and everything that has happened in my life.

I will break it down into sections as not to forget anything.

How I was
I worked for a studio for many years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up to a position that was right on the precipice (I love that word) of being an executive (woohoo the BLUE BADGE). Then it happened. I made the mistake many make and rarely recover from and remain in the business...I was consumed with power and thought because I put in the years, blood, sweat and tears, I could do whatever and treat people however I wanted as long as I got my way. I was mean to people. I was laid off and sure my party was a standing room only event. I thought these people, my "friends" were sad to see me go. Oh but that wasn't the case - they were happy to see me go and just making sure it was real that I was really out of there! OUCH! I thought people "loved" me because I was the one who connected people. I was the queen of networking. If anyone needed anything (legal of course), they would call me. I had celebrities calling me for things. Wait...Celebrities? I was the one people could trust to get things done and to create opportunities by putting people together.

What I've been through
Since then I have not been able to get a permanent position and we are going on six years! But wait, do not feel sorry for me. It has taken these six years of HELL and hitting rock bottom to find the real ME; the ME I thought I was showing to the world. I was financially successful, whatever I wanted, I got. I gave to charity every month, I wrote checks, I got my hair done, I bought a new car every 3 years and I even bought a house. When I got laid off, the first two years were ones of blame and anger. No matter where I temped, you could always see the residue of of an unresolved hurt, a pain masked in blame, anger, and now shame. Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, let's just say, I lost my car, almost lost my home, my hair began to fall out, I look to charity for food, and the temp jobs are steady. I no longer have the "friends" I thought I had. Sure my facebook account displays an impressing 737 "friends," but in reality there are only five people close to me...yes, I wrote FIVE. That's it. Humbling right? Very. As far as the other 732 people, they were people I've met throughout my life but never really made the time to get to know. That's on me.

What I've learned and what I'm doing now
After being laid off I went back to school and got my masters. It turns out I'm not the idiot I thought I was. I'm actually very smart but didn't see that because I was consumed with my outwardly appearance and what I can take. Oh and for those analyzing this, Good Luck. I turned into many of the folks in this town. I lost me through the accumulation of THINGS. Because we all know it's THINGS that define who we are, right? Maybe I was an idiot? LOL! Though it all, I found myself again and through writing. I was fortunate enough to meet someone who introduced me to production and invited me to the set of a crime show. I was so impressed (and pissed that I spent so many years on the corporate side) that I asked him how do I get to where you are? He told me - WRITING. From that day, April 10, 2007 - I began my journey in writing for an audience. My very first script was horrible! He told me, with all of my life experience, I should be able to dig deeper and really tell a story. That did it. I dug deep and my second script brought about two things, 1. it made that guy stop talking to me and 2. got me an agent. Who knew?

I've calmed myself these days, mostly through writing and social media outlets. It was the stripping (ha, not that kind - the world is NOT ready for me to be a stripper) of me to my barest state that got me to where I am now...still temping. (LOL - yeah, I now have a sense of humor) But now I have a goal. I know who I am. More importantly, I know how to treat people. Sure, I still have that STRONG personality (that simply isn't going away, it is in my DNA) but it's not an aggression filled with anger (hate for self, etc) - more like filled with hope and understanding. The struggle is still here but going away. I do manage to eat everyday now. I have a car and I still have my house. I've learned extreme money management. I don't have the friendships I used to have but I am looking forward to making new ones and actually BEING a friend. Yes, my world is still protected - that will not change but I will be more considerate of others by not profiling (again - in my DNA) immediate actions and reacting differently...with patience. Sure, I know I still have a way to go - possibly a lifetime to get it right but today I feel better that I am finally on the write (tee hee) path.

My advice
For those out there who are like me, use my experiences as an example...one day you are on top and BAM just like that it is ALL taken away from you. Be nice (not stupid or gullible), help those who are willing to do the work. Be the example and not the problem and please, please, PLEASE stay away from the STEREOTYPE! I cannot stress that enough. People are out there who are willing and able to help you achieve your goals - they just don't want to help people who are mean and not worthy (because they're mean). Who knows, maybe now LOVE will be able to come into my life. Mean isn't sexy!

Have an inspired day!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @writerstewie or email me, comment, drink coffee - do whatever...just be nice to each other because it comes back around and it's usually WORSE (or better) than the original sin (good deed).