Dark Soul

All of my life I believed I was a good person and giving soul.  A series of recent life lessons I should have learned from in the past have returned.  Apparently, I didn't learn the lessons.  It's not bad luck.  It's just the reality of not learning the lessons. The foundation of my soul was built  on tragedies and challenges of my past. Now that foundation is cracking as my soul seeks comfort, love and forgiveness from self.

"I do not feel calm when we are together."  How can that be when all I feel is only love when we are together?  At least that's the goal.   I feel the daggers of disgust jabbing at me, trying to break to my spirit.  Do I keep on fighting or give up? I no longer have the answers.

I thought if I were thin enough or pretty enough, someone would care enough to love and accept me entirely. Only to find, it is me who needs to accept that love is not forthcoming.

I take pictures of myself,  to see if other could see the hurt I'm feeling in my heart.  The reality is that I  see me.

Life's twists and turns

If I knew back in high school that my life would amount to this, what would I do differently?  This is the question I ask myself, along with other pertinent grounding questions frequently.  At this point, I believe I am the luckiest unlucky person in the world!  Or is it the unlukiest lucky person?  Let's delve into the first choice.  I'm reminded by people who love me that I indeed have a roof over my head, employment, food, and choices.  Is it wrong to want more?  In my eyes, anyone can have what I have and I didn't get here by luck.  It was hard work along with the great ability to heal quickly from the many stab wounds in my back from all those whose soul purpose in life is to see me fail.

So here I am.  What does tomorrow hold that I wasn't able to accomplish today?  Hope.

I hope I make it into the writer's room.  I hope he finds me (yes, there is someone I have my eye on).  And I pray I don't lose all intellect toiling through the mindless day to day existence.  I must admit graduate school was easy for me.  More education at this point would be a further waste of money.

Nancy.  What's it like on the other side?  Can you see through the crap?

My latest Challenge!!!

I've signed up for the Spartan Race - December 11th!!!!  Check out the videos on youtube!  Is it me or is there a ton of MUD involved in this race?

Time for a change

When you wake up consistently at 2am with tear stains on the side of your face and your mind just won't shutdown, that means its time for a change that I need to force it to happen.  I've tried without success to break into TV Writing.  With so many "friends" I didn't think it would be too hard.  Surprisingly, it's harder.  And that's okay because I have been fortunate enough to see karma in action!

I have a dream to I had a dream and DNA filled with Disappoinment

I'm  a very private person.  The persona you see online barely skims the surface of who I am and my journey.  I usually reveal bits of my life experiences through my television pilots.  Each character embodies some element of my reality.

I find it appropriate to write this on the eve of the weekend of Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech.  I'm home after another mile swim and no work.  Mississippi Burning is on Showtime.  I allow it to play in the background while I write.

I can't say my life up until this point has been easy.  From the day I was born, I have struggled.  I was a preemie and I had to fight to live.  I made it!  It seems my life has been one struggle/fight after another.  I triumph. I breathe.  Another struggle/challenge appears.  It got me to thinking.  Why?  Is it too much to ask for a longer period of solitude and fortune?  Is struggle part of my DNA?

Not so long ago,  my grandfather on my father's side was killed by a white man in a small town in Mississippi.  Shot dead in the street while my father, a child, watched.  He crawled over to his dead father and sat in the middle of the street in his blood trying to wake him.  I wonder.  Besides being black, what was the reason my grandfather was shot dead in the street?  This incident of hatred is part of my DNA.

With all that has happened to me, one would think I killed somebody!  I don't play the victim card.  Never have, never will.  I don't open up to people.  I don't gossip, I keep my emotions inside and I don;t allow myself to get close.  Distance is safe.  Love is elusive.

I have been disappointed and betrayed by so many people. Many times for no other reasons than jealousy or insecurity of others.  I am a very driven person.  Not lazy by any stretch of the imagination.  I usually accomplish many things I set out to do.   Truth be told, I wanted to be a profiler with the FBI.  I love investigative research.  When I failed at achieving that goal.  I had to find another goal.  Television writing fell into my lap.  I have yet to achieve this goal.  As of late, it seems that this too will be only a dream and not a reality.

And how was your week?

Interesting week: Day off of exercise since I've worked out 5 days straight and tomorrow is the big day, a trial run of the triathlon that happens in 35 days!!

I had a temp replace me at work for 3 days. She's a writer who wrote an episode of Everwood in 2006. So you know I picked her brain on how she got there. After she told me the usual, she then said with conviction that I will NEVER make it because the networks don't take pitches from new writers and my shows will never be made so I should give up. Is this true? Feel free to chime in all of my facebook "friends" that are working writers and producers.

Then a guy told me he loves me. When I politely acknowledged his feelings and was honest with him about mine, he quickly came back with "no one else will ever love you anyway, I was just being nice."

I made the switch to #Bulletproof coffee (coffee with butter) and I don't think I'll ever go back to Starbucks!

Thursday night's ride was a bit terrifying for me. All hills. I made it as far as I could before turning around to get back before it got dark. After my fall a month ago, I'm very shaky and slow. So what happens? As I was climbing the hill, a red car comes up behind me and the driver rolls down his window and honks his horn! Scared me, made me weave a little. My ass must attract the crazies because this is now the third time it has happened. There was no reason to honk or come that close to me. It was an open road.

So now, I'm up writing on my third pilot that will apparently never be read, or made for that matter. Looking forward to getting my nails done with Candace L. Punch.

And how was your week?

Triathlon Training

Well I'm seven weeks away from my first triathlon.  Today, I'm a bit exhausted mentally and physically.  I have no doubts I can do this, I just wish other parts of my life would come together.   I foolishly thought doing a triathlon would help alleviate the amount of stress I'm under, but not so.  While it didn't necessarily add more stress, I am not as confident as I should be.

I will get through this!!!  All I can do is take it one moment, one issue, one drama at a time.

Have a great day!

If you haven't already, please help me  help the Children's Hospital Los Angeles by donating today!!

http://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1155260&supId=437076581