I have a dream to I had a dream and DNA filled with Disappoinment

I'm  a very private person.  The persona you see online barely skims the surface of who I am and my journey.  I usually reveal bits of my life experiences through my television pilots.  Each character embodies some element of my reality.

I find it appropriate to write this on the eve of the weekend of Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech.  I'm home after another mile swim and no work.  Mississippi Burning is on Showtime.  I allow it to play in the background while I write.

I can't say my life up until this point has been easy.  From the day I was born, I have struggled.  I was a preemie and I had to fight to live.  I made it!  It seems my life has been one struggle/fight after another.  I triumph. I breathe.  Another struggle/challenge appears.  It got me to thinking.  Why?  Is it too much to ask for a longer period of solitude and fortune?  Is struggle part of my DNA?

Not so long ago,  my grandfather on my father's side was killed by a white man in a small town in Mississippi.  Shot dead in the street while my father, a child, watched.  He crawled over to his dead father and sat in the middle of the street in his blood trying to wake him.  I wonder.  Besides being black, what was the reason my grandfather was shot dead in the street?  This incident of hatred is part of my DNA.

With all that has happened to me, one would think I killed somebody!  I don't play the victim card.  Never have, never will.  I don't open up to people.  I don't gossip, I keep my emotions inside and I don;t allow myself to get close.  Distance is safe.  Love is elusive.

I have been disappointed and betrayed by so many people. Many times for no other reasons than jealousy or insecurity of others.  I am a very driven person.  Not lazy by any stretch of the imagination.  I usually accomplish many things I set out to do.   Truth be told, I wanted to be a profiler with the FBI.  I love investigative research.  When I failed at achieving that goal.  I had to find another goal.  Television writing fell into my lap.  I have yet to achieve this goal.  As of late, it seems that this too will be only a dream and not a reality.