Someone once said...

Someone once said to me "I don't look forward to spending time with you..." it's funny how certain life moments stay with you long after the event has passed. When I was a child, I was told that I was ugly yet as an adult many people compliment my beauty.

I've studied human behavior for a very long time. And I know that all words and actions stem from something and are meant to DO something. In my quiet calm moments, past hurts come in to remind me that I am not perfect and to look at my situation at this moment. It's amazing how it focuses on what I don't have or haven't accomplished. Usually, I disregard the old programming, past hurts and find something positive to think about myself in order to stop the recording. Why is it when things are going well or not going bad, old hurts sneak in to ruin the mood?

I am a single black woman who, for all intents and purposes has never experienced love (not in the sense where it is mutual). To some that is shocking since it appears I have many friends. Facebook has created the illusion and delusion of "friends" therefore supposedly raising my own self importance. Ha! Let me clarify, I have love - my wonderful family and until recently, the love I received from my dogs (yes, I still believe dogs are better than people).

Theoretically, I understood the concept of love for someone who is not family or a dog. I understood that it would be a give and take undertaking. Sure, I was capable of sharing whilst in the sandbox as a child but what does it mean to love someone unconditionally and share without expectation (yeah, I know I repeated myself)?

In my quiet moments when my thoughts don't go to past wrongs, I think about how people treat each other. In public, I observe all type of relationships then creatively make up the back story in my mind. I like doing that - it's called the "creative process." I wonder how many times I am right but most of the time never utter a word to anyone.

What do you do to erase the old programming but not lose the lesson?

Stay awesome.

Goodbye 2012

I tried posting this for the past two days but the system was down. Here is what I posted on Facebook.

2012 What a year it was for me. It had it's ups and downs and for me, sadly mostly down but I managed to make it through. Most of you already know I lost my last dog Max in November and I miss him everyday. I lost my friend and hairapist Pamula James last week. We were able to have one last session the Saturday before.

Oliver Bernshausen, my friend and the one guy in the world who understood me and loved me unconditionally died in July.

Thank you Dobie Gillis, Robin Baker and Jim Chadwick for helping me clear out Oliver's house.

Both Oliver and Pam were 44. If knowing both of them has taught me anything about life is to go out and LIVE it! Go after your dreams and take a chance on love.

Some of you know, I did fall in love last year as well. What most of you don't know was it was my very first time! For once I wasn't selfish with my heart. I was willing to learn and grow with another person. Sadly, that ended too. Love doesn't work when the other person doesn't love you back.

Then there's my writing. After working on it for a few years now, I finally thought I was making a name for myself. I got in and pitched my show to a studio. Since I don't really have an agent to get in and follow up and fight for me (while I'm temping to make ends meet), my project was, or rather the title and the theme of my project was taken. I'd like to thank Nancy Hamilton, Nan Diacovo, Chrissy Thompson, Barb Becka, Robin Roccaro Damski and Candace L. Punch for reading my pilot over and over without complaining. I thank them for keeping me motivated when II felt none.

Let's not forget the struggles I had at the beginning of the year. All I can say is being sued...twice is not a pleasant experience. Mind you it wasn't for something I did, it was for something I didn't do. Happily, all of the is behind me and I ended up whole and on top.

Many wonder why I haven't had much to say lately on Facebook, or anywhere else, I figure if you have nothing nice to post, then why post?

My health is good and so is my immediate family. I miss Mary very much. She was always able to talk me "off the bridge" and trust me, last year was a doozie.

My sister, Jelahn Stewart is my best friend in the world. As time passes (I don't want too admit I'm getting older), I find her wisdom, love and laughter to be something I cannot do without. I love you dear sister.

2013 will be a better year for me personally. As Joel would say, "I've come through the fire and all that fire did was burn the binds that kept me from the promise."

This year I would like to make real friends AND to be a real friend to others.

Happy Holidays!

It has been a year! So many things have happened good and bad. We made it!

Happiness and...

why doesn't it last? With all I've been through, you would think happiness could last longer than a few moments. I now understand the saying, "enjoy it while it lasts!"

So, I know its been a while. What have I been up to?

I am no longer in a relationship and back to single. I've tried to figure out the reason for such a short and now seemingly waste of emotion and time. The reason has yet to reveal itself. I'd rather have no relationship than to deal with the wrong person. Now I look back at the experience with bitterness and not willing to try again.

I'm still writing but without representation, I feel empty and without hope. Yet, I still continue to write. I think now writing is a quiet comfort never to be seen.

I'm still temping and happy to be working.

My dog Max is on his last leg and I will have to put him down soon. A new level of loneliness on the horizon.

Generally, I try to find the happiness in every moment but usually that happiness quickly fades.

Looking forward to my next happy moment.

Responsibility Break & Love...what is it?

Have you ever had one of those days where you would like to NOT be responsible for anything (of course, that is if you are of the rare few who actually do take responsibility for their actions)?

Well, today is that day for me. No matter how hard I try not to be in control or take charge - I now realize responsibility is part of my DNA. I do know I must step back from situations and let them unfold as they may. I'm really not in control, merely going through the motions...right?


And then there's love. I can honestly say, I have never been "in love." Sure I've been "in like" or "infatuated" but not really what the movies dictate as "in love." Can someone explain it to me as if I were a two year old - what does being "in love" feel like?

Many have told me Love is overrated. Some had told me it doesn't exist and it's merely a word. Few have told me that it absolutely is like it is in the movies and more.

I've asked a few of my friends who are mated, "did you know he/she was the one when you first met?" If I were to do the math, I'd say 75% absolutely knew, 20% didn't know and that 5% said it was just gas.

Relationship

I'm finally in one and it exceeds my expectations. Who knew? I'm learning how to trust, share, and play nice.

The Long Short Summer is Over!

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a bit but read me out first. As you all know the summer began with my pilot pitch to THAT TV studio. I completed my FRINGE spec, show ready but BAD ROBOT won't look at it (yep, I think it's the perfect ending but hey, who am I to think those things?) Then Oliver died. Then THAT TV studio took over my pilot idea and gave it to an overall dealer. Then I met a guy (no, not that FAMILY GUY) and we've been dating ever since. The good news is that I have yet to get up to sing KARAOKE.

And how was your summer?