The Comedy of my Life Lately

I haven't forgotten about you. I've just been enjoying my freedom for a moment. It's actually nice to not have to rush somewhere. I can actually write something and not be interrupted with time.

Max and I are hanging in. We had a bit of a scare a couple of weeks ago but Max seems to be on the mend. Watching him grow older is a painful process. I cherish every moment I have with him. We've been together since the day he was born - sixteen years ago. I know that soon I will have to make that decision. He will let me know when he's ready.

Other news - I've started dating again. I feel like I need to go back to not dating again! Guys are a trip these days. I went out with an older guy - 50. I went in with no expectations. The goal was to meet a new friend. He happened to be a celebrity. Which if you don't know - dating celebrated people is slightly different than dating your average guy. We met at the restaurant. I wore a cute sundress. He hugged me and then it happened. My bra strap snapped! Okay, so my friends already know that as of late I've been having epic bra failure for the past few months. You don't want that to happen on a first date! Luckily I had a wrap and ended up wearing that for the entire date.

For the first half of the date it was all about how beautiful I was (strike one) and how old I am. He couldn't get over the fact that I was not 27 (I'm thinking this is what he's used to dating). He'll just have to deal with me being 30. Let's just say, I was happy to get out into the dating world again but I've got a long way to go.

Wine, wine and wine. I went out to lunch with a girlfriend last week. We went to a sushi bar. Most people know I have a two glass limit (if it's cheap wine - then one glass limit). I am an extreme lightweight - I just don't drink much and when I do, watch out. After two glasses I get really sick. Well, the wine kept coming and I kept on drinking. After three glasses, I had to call it quits. This was on a Friday afternoon. I was sick the entire weekend.

Starbucks adventure #501 - everyone knows this is one of my favorite places to write and as of late I've been trying to find different ones where I'm not known (less interruptions). Well I found one in LA. I walk in get my coffee and have a seat. Well, I'm wearing my Hulk t-shirt with my Wonder Woman chucks. A guy sits next to me and I swear he wouldn't stop staring at me. So, me being me, I say - "Hi." He says "So are you one of those women who I wouldn't like when they get angry?" I laugh because I thought it was a Hulk reference. He's not laughing. I say, "I don't get angry, I get even." The guy gets up and goes to the other end of the coffee shop. What did I say?

Change and that Leap of Faith

I noticed I didn't post anything for the month of April..sorry dear readers. It has been a busy month. My agent called and told me to finish my pilot...NOW.

Everyone in Hollywood waits impatiently for these types of calls. When they come, you act...no excuses. Wow - someone is interested in me!!! Of course they are...what's not to like about me? :)

I stayed up a few nights working on final connections trying to make my characters very well rounded and dropping a few hints leading into the second episode. Working on very little sleep, I resume with full force my temp job. Last week it hit me the day AFTER I turn in my pilot to my agent (she asked for it May 1st and I turned it in on April 25th) I can no longer work two full time jobs. It worked for many years beginning in college where I had 5 jobs and carried a full time class schedule.

After numerous calls to my mom, a tear or two with hysterical laughing (thinking I must be crazy), slight financial panic (especially after the past horrendous four years) I had to decide - be a temp with the only reward of a weekly check and more social interaction OR write full time and no weekly check. Hmmm...guaranteed funds or having a can of beans everyday?

Thursday Morning, I gave notice. Friday morning met me in a panic with my hair all over my head and my pajamas drenched in sweat, fearing I made the wrong decision. I managed to control my hair, showered and made it into the office. Things had changed. I could see clearly now that I've made a decision. The hard part is sticking with it. I made it through the day. I balanced my checkbook. I also went to Target and stocked up on beans.

Saturday an overwhelming sense of freedom came over me and my decision to pursue my desire to write was clear. I made the right decision.

Change is necessary and stepping out on faith shows determination in getting exactly what you want and more.

When was the last time you took a leap like this?

PS - I don't think my dog can handle me eating beans for much longer. He doesn't like the competition. :)

I made it THROUGH!

It has been a FOUR YEAR struggle and earlier this week that struggle ended. What happened you ask? I took my life back! I had been bogged down with the drama of loss and not remembering who I am and what I am capable of. Watch out world, the light is back!!! I've emerged from the fire a beacon of light, wiser than when I went in. I AM THAT I AM. I get it now. Watch out for great happenings, starting NOW!

What a Fool Believes

Everyone is gifted in some way. I have a few gifts and without revealing all, let's just say I was lead astray by my own volition. The path I stumbled upon was so off that now I kind of feel like Alice and that damn rabbit hole! Everyday I wake up asking these three questions:

1. How do I get out of this?
2. What was I thinking?
3. How can I be so stupid?

If ever there was a moment to take something back, or be granted a "do over" this would be one of those times. I must admit, I've never jammed myself up like this before. Unlike an investigation, I cannot retrace steps or move backwards in order to move forward to find the killer. There is no killer and I'm not writing a television drama. This is real life. This is now. "What's done cannot be undone" to borrow the phrase from Shakespeare's Lady Macbeth.

Maybe I should stop trying to answer those questions and continue to move forward, lay low - maybe no one will find out. I'm already filled with many secrets. As a writer, I've seen and done many things, enough to fill a lifetime; which is why I cannot believe I made such a foolish mistake. All I can do is wait for divine intervention to either move it forward or delete it completely.

Make it so number one!

I had to laugh...on the inside

Let's just get this out of the way right now...on this date, thirty...oh wait I work in the entertainment industry and we don't age nor do we give our age...a star was born! Yes I share my birthday with Glenn Close and Bruce Willis. So Happy Birthday all March 19th Genius Babies!!!

So I worked my first Con (WonderCon) on Saturday and actually had a great time! Sooooo many people dressed up and some looked absolutely fabulous. I had a great time even though I was working. I met some very cool people as well. As is the tradition for me, inevitably there is at least one incident that happens that throws me for a loop. This time is was two. On Friday, I had sent out a facebook request to a person I thought I knew. It turns out, same name different person. On Saturday, at the con, I met that person. We were both like, "huh?" First I wished him a happy birthday as it was on Friday and then I thanked him for the "add" on facebook. I couldn't have predicted that even with my super sharp psychic skills! The second odd happening, this guy comes up to me and tells me that my smile makes him happy and it has restored hope into his life then he proceeded to give me a hug. I, of course am looking for security and planning my escape from this portly guy who has crossed my personal space. He then wrote down every method of contact for him and begged me to be his friend on facebook and to call him. He needed me in his life. I pried myself loose, flashing that famous smile then stepping back. He started his life story. I heard "I want to be a comic book illustrator..." and then it hit me, I was wearing DC Comics credentials and he wants a job! Before that epiphany, I thought "why couldn't the man of my dreams greet me in that way?" Now the next time a man comes towards me with his arms out, I will stop smiling and RUN!

Nothing else to report on this day, I just thought I had to write something since it's such a special day.

Happy Day All!!

Go With Your Gut?

Gut Feelings...are they real or do we have gas?

I'd like to think I'm a smart cookie and for years I have used "gut feelings" when making important decisions like whether or not to buy something, meeting a guy, or working on an assignment. How many of you actually go with gut feelings? Are they really accurate? Why do we have them?

Recently, I not only had a huge GUT FEELING, I have the proverbial "slap in the face - wake me up - fall out of the bed" experience. I am one of those rare birds who uses both sides of her brain (stop laughing) my creative and analytical sides. Often there are times where the two cannot seem to meet half way and one MUST take over. Usually my creative side puts up a good fight! Analytical won...again. Could my analytical side be the one keeping me from love? After all, isn't love creative?

I did go with my gut and it lead nowhere but this blog post. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences. Life is all about learning lessons and experiencing new and great things. Sometimes logic has to take a back seat to creativity. This time I think I'll just wait it out and take a gas pill. I must admit, this gut feeling was insane (no logic whatsoever) yet I feel like it's not over yet. Maybe I should start making my last meal at 3pm instead of 4.

Who Says it Doesn't Come Back Around?

Yesterday something happened that both opened my eyes and hurt my heart. You know that deep hurt you feel, when no matter what you do (drink, smoke, apologize) it just won't go away; that is where I'm at this morning. I was told that I was HATED! People didn't like me because I was MEAN! What? A brave FRIEND told me yesterday. Someone met me yesterday and commented to her about how much I've changed and how I am actually very pleasant and nice.

Not a day goes by where I would ask God what I did "what did I do to deserve such a hard and difficult time?" I couldn't understand. I didn't kill anyone and to my knowledge I never purposely hurt anyone. In my mind, I've always been nice and honest with all who encounter me. Haha...ENCOUNTER. That word means to come upon or meet with, especially unexpectedly: to encounter a new situation. Little did I realize that for some, this same word meant a certain fear...to meet me. What? Me? The happy-go-lucky girl with the two dogs who meant the world to her? No, they must be mistaken. My solution, as it has always been is to write about it. For years (since 13) I've kept a private journal about everything I felt and everything that has happened in my life.

I will break it down into sections as not to forget anything.

How I was
I worked for a studio for many years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up to a position that was right on the precipice (I love that word) of being an executive (woohoo the BLUE BADGE). Then it happened. I made the mistake many make and rarely recover from and remain in the business...I was consumed with power and thought because I put in the years, blood, sweat and tears, I could do whatever and treat people however I wanted as long as I got my way. I was mean to people. I was laid off and sure my party was a standing room only event. I thought these people, my "friends" were sad to see me go. Oh but that wasn't the case - they were happy to see me go and just making sure it was real that I was really out of there! OUCH! I thought people "loved" me because I was the one who connected people. I was the queen of networking. If anyone needed anything (legal of course), they would call me. I had celebrities calling me for things. Wait...Celebrities? I was the one people could trust to get things done and to create opportunities by putting people together.

What I've been through
Since then I have not been able to get a permanent position and we are going on six years! But wait, do not feel sorry for me. It has taken these six years of HELL and hitting rock bottom to find the real ME; the ME I thought I was showing to the world. I was financially successful, whatever I wanted, I got. I gave to charity every month, I wrote checks, I got my hair done, I bought a new car every 3 years and I even bought a house. When I got laid off, the first two years were ones of blame and anger. No matter where I temped, you could always see the residue of of an unresolved hurt, a pain masked in blame, anger, and now shame. Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, let's just say, I lost my car, almost lost my home, my hair began to fall out, I look to charity for food, and the temp jobs are steady. I no longer have the "friends" I thought I had. Sure my facebook account displays an impressing 737 "friends," but in reality there are only five people close to me...yes, I wrote FIVE. That's it. Humbling right? Very. As far as the other 732 people, they were people I've met throughout my life but never really made the time to get to know. That's on me.

What I've learned and what I'm doing now
After being laid off I went back to school and got my masters. It turns out I'm not the idiot I thought I was. I'm actually very smart but didn't see that because I was consumed with my outwardly appearance and what I can take. Oh and for those analyzing this, Good Luck. I turned into many of the folks in this town. I lost me through the accumulation of THINGS. Because we all know it's THINGS that define who we are, right? Maybe I was an idiot? LOL! Though it all, I found myself again and through writing. I was fortunate enough to meet someone who introduced me to production and invited me to the set of a crime show. I was so impressed (and pissed that I spent so many years on the corporate side) that I asked him how do I get to where you are? He told me - WRITING. From that day, April 10, 2007 - I began my journey in writing for an audience. My very first script was horrible! He told me, with all of my life experience, I should be able to dig deeper and really tell a story. That did it. I dug deep and my second script brought about two things, 1. it made that guy stop talking to me and 2. got me an agent. Who knew?

I've calmed myself these days, mostly through writing and social media outlets. It was the stripping (ha, not that kind - the world is NOT ready for me to be a stripper) of me to my barest state that got me to where I am now...still temping. (LOL - yeah, I now have a sense of humor) But now I have a goal. I know who I am. More importantly, I know how to treat people. Sure, I still have that STRONG personality (that simply isn't going away, it is in my DNA) but it's not an aggression filled with anger (hate for self, etc) - more like filled with hope and understanding. The struggle is still here but going away. I do manage to eat everyday now. I have a car and I still have my house. I've learned extreme money management. I don't have the friendships I used to have but I am looking forward to making new ones and actually BEING a friend. Yes, my world is still protected - that will not change but I will be more considerate of others by not profiling (again - in my DNA) immediate actions and reacting differently...with patience. Sure, I know I still have a way to go - possibly a lifetime to get it right but today I feel better that I am finally on the write (tee hee) path.

My advice
For those out there who are like me, use my experiences as an example...one day you are on top and BAM just like that it is ALL taken away from you. Be nice (not stupid or gullible), help those who are willing to do the work. Be the example and not the problem and please, please, PLEASE stay away from the STEREOTYPE! I cannot stress that enough. People are out there who are willing and able to help you achieve your goals - they just don't want to help people who are mean and not worthy (because they're mean). Who knows, maybe now LOVE will be able to come into my life. Mean isn't sexy!

Have an inspired day!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @writerstewie or email me, comment, drink coffee - do whatever...just be nice to each other because it comes back around and it's usually WORSE (or better) than the original sin (good deed).