Amazing

It's amazing how in one fell swoop your life and outlook on life can change. Bravo Joel Osteen, thank you for reconnecting me with God.

Getting Through This!!!!

When I tell you I am going through it, believe me – I AM GOING THROUGH IT! I have faith I will get through this because faith is ALL I HAVE. Temp jobs have all but stopped. This is the first year in my entire life where I have not been working as much. I have gone through every emotion, experienced many losses and found out who my friends really are. Amazingly, I have more than one…I have TWO! I am lucky.

This morning I cried like a baby. Mary had to go into a nursing facility last night and I, her step daughter could do nothing to help. Without income, I cannot fly to Chicago to help the person who has helped raise me in her time of need. I broke down on the phone with the mortgage company when they asked why I didn’t make a payment… I prefaced my response with – “this has been the worst year of my life. A good friend died, my credit was ruined, people with their own fears and insecurities have made my life a living hell (think WB Tech Ops!), my family thinks I’m a loser, and the friendships I thought I had do not exist. In the span of a year, I have lost almost everything that has taken many years to gain. And now that my family needs me, I cannot be there to help. As soon as I get a job, you will never have to call me again.” End of conversation. I wonder if he shed a tear. By the end of the phone call he told me that he would do all in his power to help me get through this (wow and that was a BofA rep).

I invited an old boss to the lot I was working on yesterday. It was great seeing him. I was so embarrassed that in all of these years (five), I have not grown career-wise. I was so ashamed about that and the fact I had no money to buy lunch. Thanks for allowing me to eat off of your plate!

Being unemployed and relying on people to take a vacation or get sick in order to work is not the living for me. I hate it but it is all I have right now. Why Boston University dumped me, I will never know. This is not the life for me and I have to change it, and that time to change is now. I don’t know how, but I do know I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! When my time comes to leave this Earth, do know I will not go defeated!!!

My next blog post will be GOOD NEWS!!!

Precious and The Color Purple

No, this is not the title of a new children's book, nor is it a comparative analysis of the two movies.

The movies depict black women at their lowest point and bring them to their somewhat happy ending. Here's the problem, in the middle before that happy ending (if there is one) is a long bout of depression, insecurity and hatred for ourselves.

I live and work in Los Angeles, yet I was born and raised in Chicago. I was having lunch with a friend of mine on Saturday and we had an interesting conversation about black folks here vs. black folks in the Midwest or the east (yes, we lumped the two together since their attitudes are similar). We wholeheartedly admitted it was harder and took longer to acclimate ourselves to the Los Angeles scene. Coming from Chicago, the "no non-sense" and "mean-what-you-say" town, we've found the black folks here (in Los Angeles, just in case I dropped you with that last sentence); out impression of the black folks here (some of them...can't generalize!) is that they "seem" to be cold, insecure,unforgiving and single. On the positive, other than the weather, black women here seem to be more health conscious.

The struggle for this black woman has not been an easy one. Having a black first lady has not eased what most of us still have to contend with and overcome on a daily basis. I have been through things that would make a weaker-willed person think twice about living (no offense to those not as strong as myself). I find everyday I am having to prove myself in one way or another. Where is my happy ending?

Why do we hate each other and ourselves so much? Black women are the most beautiful in the world (yep, I said it), yet our level of confidence is so low that we hurt ourselves and each other. Why?

FlashForward Backwards?

ABC has a real winner with FlashForward, a television show loosely based on the science fiction novel of the same title by Robert J. Sawyer. Sawyer created a futuristic world, 2009 in which on October 6, 2009 for 2 minutes and 47 seconds the entire human population blacks out and is given a glimpse of what their life will be like in six months. The show centers around FBI agents trying to piece together the world's flashforward experiences through a website they created called Mosaic in order to figure out who is behind this and what their goals are.

This is a stunning example of free will. Here is the catch, just because you see it, does it mean it will really play out that way? Is this show promoting creative visualization? Clearly realism is out of the picture, even though they tried. FBI agents are not that emotional or passionate, even though they are human, their years of training strips away emotion in order to carry out the thankless and difficult jobs ahead. Most law enforcers deal with the worst of society.

What's my point here? Who knows? I got distracted as usual with crap!! I just figured this was a good start to something interesting.

Inspired by Michael Jackson, talent by God

Day four and no work. Instead of being depressed and going over all of the issues in my life, I decided to go see Michael Jackson's This is it! Gerald has the week off and so we went together. It was nice to see him since we mostly chat on IM.

Michael Jackson was a true perfectionist whose instincts were so keen, it seemed he was psychic. I was so inspired to keep going for my dream and actually knowing it is going to happen for me. Writing is what I do. It allows me to say what I want, right or wrong. I do my best to research something to its very essence, then create a story on top of that.

Today, I began writing on my pilot. It felt so good not to be rushing somewhere or bored to tears on an assignment or working with an insecure person. I think when people see me, one of two things happen: they see what they could have done with their lives by going for their passion and not settling; or the look at me in disgust and pray they never end up like me a temp with no future and no history. What they don't realize is I am not responsible for the misery or joy in their lives and if they are looking to me for a solution, they need to find God.

Michael reminded me of myself with a dogged sense of perfection for every word I write. I feel I am the only one who goes nuts over a typo! I try to think of each word especially if I am angry with someone. I want to make sure they know exactly how they made me feel (how I allowed them to make me feel) and they will think again before trying to play that game on me. I am not a fighter per se, but I will let you know where I stand. Seeing Michael rehearsing and making each move perfect like a natural instinct, made me feel normal again. "This is it" this is my time to shine. I need to prove to myself that writing is my career and my passion.

I miss Michael and I wished I would have met him before he transitioned. I like to think in someway he is watching over me, pushing me to be the best me I can be. Of course that little voice in my head is me, although as of late it adds a "WooHoo" at the end of every triumphant choice of word, line, and scene.

Thanks Mike.